Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Dear T...

Gosh, it's getting so much harder as the would be 2 year gets closer and closer. Sadly you don't even have a clue that it's near. You had no clue when my 1 year even was. Sigh... hopefully you find times you still stop and laugh thinking about something related to me. Hopefully you haven't lost your memory that much.

and feel strangely calm for the first time in weeks. I can’t tell if this is good or bad.

Dear T,
I wish you were available for contact after certain hours. I completely understand that boundary. And most of the time, I imagine it's better for me that you have it. But right now, I wish you didn't. I wish I could call or text or something. I think this might be a very long night...
Love,
LT

I don't feel safe with you. I don't know how you're going to react anymore. You were annoyed with me and I could feel it.

Thank you for pulling what I needed to say out of me yesterday. I wouldn't have wanted it to take another six months. Currently listening to high-energy music to charge myself up for the day.

See you Thursday.

I don't know how I feel.

I have so much to tell you on Monday. An hour will never be enough. Also, I'm making some serious changes how we do things starting in the fall, so hopefully you're on board.

T, when we hugged yesterday something different happened... not bad, not wrong just different... now I am wondering if it was on purpose. I know when we talked about something similar I got really scared and you asked if I wanted you to stop, I said yes and you did stop. Then yesterday it felt like you were testing... testing if I felt safe enough with you? Testing to see if I was OK experiencing it, just not talking about it? But thenI know your head was spinning from our session so am I making too much over a silly accident? You are way too careful for accidents. IDK.
I liked sitting in your spot. I know it confused you because you expected me to sit in my spot and H to sit in your spot while you sat somewhere totally different. Do you know I couldn’t let H be in your spot? Do you know how much that would have hurt me? I really liked being in your spot. The view is SO different. Like totally different experience. I know at first you wouldn’t have let me sit here for so many reasons... but don’t be surprised now if I ask to switch chairs for some conversations. The view is symbolic. Everything about your office has purpose doesn’t it? God I love you. And I know why you need that spot too and it makes me feel good and safer knowing you need that spot. I totally didn’t understand it until I sat there... a session in your shoes?
I need to sew more stuff for you. Can you be OK with that? I know I will need them in our future work. I need the sewing practice and I need to know what I make will be valued... but making it is the important thing to me, I don’t want to keep them... I was shocked to find out that you brought the one I left with you to that other place... I didn’t know you had been to that other place since I had made it. Now it feels like I have in some way already been to that other place, like they already know me... I am not sure what to think. Please make space for that talk Monday.
I have a metaphor in my head right now for where we are at... but it is too intimate, too personal and I can’t share it. Maybe we can talk about why I can’t share it. IDK if I am embarrassed, ashamed, scared... the metaphor is perfect for where we are right now but... like many of my metaphors it is deep and detailed and intimate with multiple layers of meaning. I don’t feel safe anywhere with it.
Ok... running away now
Omers

I'm still hurt and upset with you
But I just remembered the conversation from before things got heavy yesterday
And the idea of you riding a motorcycle made me smile before I remembered that I'm supposed to be mad at you right now.
As hilarious as it would be, I'm glad you have a stronger sense of self preservation than I do.
Even the sports car convertible surprised me. I would have thought you'd drive a Prius or something. You're probably the only person in the world who listens to NPR in a car like that.

Grr. I'm supposed to be angry with you, not feeling this stupid warm affectionate feeling

P.S. Speaking of sense of self preservation, I still haven't mentioned that I quit smoking a few weeks ago. You'd be annoyingly pleased about it. I don't want to let you think you talked me into it, because that's not why.

Thank you for seeing me today.

Thank you for letting me stay even after the mixup with your other client. I would have left, it is their slot. Thank you for checking on them and choosing me. It helps me feel like you get it better than I thought.

Worried about the weekend.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

Dear T,
Doing considerably better today. Monday still seems kind of far away though. Especially as I'm pretty sure you're out of town this weekend. So you seem further away. And would be less available, too.
Love,
LT

I relate to this so much. Although for me, I'm not sure if I've been talked into things or not. Therapy can be such a mind****.

Oddly enough, shaking my head still doesn't make any of this go away.

There are some good choices I've been talked into by him for sure, and that makes it worse. I also hate telling him that I did something he'd been trying to get me to do (like a CBT exercise) and that he was right and it did help. I usually start off with "don't gloat, but..." or "you're not allowed to be happy about this..."

This was mostly an embarrassing story involving a bug bomb mishap. I work with much more hazardous stuff at work all the time, but I managed to screw up with a grocery store product. Anyway, my lungs were not happy, so I temporarily switched to vaping and then discovered that I didn't really mind it and they make much smaller and simpler ones than when I tried it years ago.

Thank you for calling me back today. I really didnt think you would since I texted you yesterday. I really do understand you dont always check you phone. Thank you for reassuring me it is okay to message you. I know 5he last 10 months has been a little challenging ss we navigate our new therapeutic relationship. You have been amazing through it all. I dint know where zi would be without you.

That wasn't so bad. So relieved things are normal again.

T, so much to do. I know you want to get back to EMDR, I want to do relaxation... then there is all the crazy stuff I want to talk to you about. I don’t like how needy I am but now I wonder if I am needy because they ARE needs and maybe that’s why you haven’t shut me down or been mean yet. I don’t know. Everything seems too slow. I really want 2x/wk but I think you honestly don’t have that much availability. *sigh*
And I really do think you are pretty amaizing... but that doesn’t mean I won’t tell you if you screw up.

Two days 'til Chris' anniversary...shoulders burning.

I long for you and miss you. It makes me cry.

My demons don't usually come to work with me, but they did today. Fitting, considering the time of year.

Hi T, haven't missed you much lately. Feel pretty good about our relationship. Haven't googled you, this is my first dear T post for a while. Dont feel like emailing you. Is this a little taster of secure attachment??

I’m hoping my doctor will want to switch me to every 6 months instead of every 3 months. It’s not that I don’t trust him. Well maybe I do have slight trust issues. It’s just that there’s not much he can do for me that doesn’t involve me gaining massive amounts of weight. Also if I switch to every 6 months there will be less of chance with a problem with the Xanax. So far he hasn’t had an issue with it, but I do worry sometimes that he will start to have an issue.

I hit 18 months. I'd feel weird telling you though. I think I might have mentioned a year to you?

I suppose this also means it's been 18 months since I joined the lab, since my PI took a chance on me when he made the offer. You never saw me anxious 24/7, terrified I'd lose everything if I couldn't find a lab. I already had that security and a place I belonged when you met me.

I never really talked to you about it much, so it feels like it's not part of our work; I appreciate that you've respected that I don't want or need you involved.

But maybe I'd like a bit of pride? It's something you've kind of gotten to take for granted I guess.
My PI knows though. I have a new keychain (he does NA, and apparently they have keychains instead of chips?). And I think for this that's what matters to me. In my mind this was between me and him from the beginning, long before he had any idea I'd ever even had a problem.
Maybe that's a good thing. I have parts of my recovery that are completely independent of you. Even when you "abandoned" me and I was sabotaging every other aspect of my recovery, I didn't even once consider drinking.

Maybe I won't mention it to you.

Dear T,
I just told my H I decided to have another drink tonight. His response? "Just don't call your therapist." WTF? I've never called you drunk, and have only called you once in a year and a half. And I'm definitely not drunk right now (my last drink was like 2 hours ago). (I know, that's what someone drunk would say, but I know myself.) So, what's that all about?
Love,
LT