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  #1  
Old Dec 06, 2007, 07:22 PM
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suppose you walked into your T's office, during a rough period in your life, and after a few minutes you were either near tears, or crying softly...

suppose the cause of the distress is known to you both so there isn't any mystery

what exaclty would your T do or say? i want to know, as precise as possible... tell me the exact words you think they would say, what would they do, what tone they would use...

describe to me the scene... please, i need to know.

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  #2  
Old Dec 06, 2007, 08:10 PM
smiley1984 smiley1984 is offline
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t would probably just sit and wait for me to talk first. but i wouldn't so after a while she'd prob say something to try get me to talk by acknowledging it's been a tough time, if i could update her on what's happened about it since last session.

or she knows once i'm upset she'll get nothing so she'd distract me by talking about something else completely and come back to it when i'm a bit calmer.

it sounds like you are upset with your t's response. how would you have ideally wanted t to respond?
  #3  
Old Dec 06, 2007, 08:13 PM
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"I hate to see you suffering so."

"Will you let me help you get through this?"

Demeanor is calm, caring, compassionate; gentle smiles thrown in. i need to know... please repsond
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  #4  
Old Dec 06, 2007, 08:50 PM
pinksoil
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In a really soft voice he would say, "What's going on." He wouldn't say it like a question, though-- more like a statement.

He would lean forward a bit.

And then he would let me cry. He would have the saddest look in his eyes, but he wouldn't say anything-- we would share in the non-verbals of my sadness-- and he would just give me time to experience my feelings. He would be looking at me intensely the whole time.

Then he would want to bring me into the present so that he can join me. Even though we both know what the distress is about, there is always more to explore. So after a certain period of time in sharing in the non-verbals, he would say, "Look at me" and point at his eyes.

And then we would begin to talk.
  #5  
Old Dec 06, 2007, 09:08 PM
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tulips30 tulips30 is offline
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My T would uncross his legs, sit forward a little and quietly say "do you feel you can tell me what you are thinking & feeling right now at this moment?"

Then he would give me a few moments and if I didn't answer, he would say " the last time we spoke (blank) was happening, has something happened since then? His eyes would look more & more concerned. Then he would say my name a couple of times to make sure I was present. Sometimes I disassociate and he makes sure I'm present by softly saying my name till I look him in the eye.

Your question and the way you have asked it are making me feel concerned about you. i need to know... please repsond

tulips
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  #6  
Old Dec 06, 2007, 09:48 PM
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MissCharlotte MissCharlotte is offline
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Hi Mz,

I just can't respond to your request for "exactly" because T's' response would depend on the problem, the day, where I was in my therapy, etc., etc., etc.,

But, I would not assume that T knew why I was crying unless i told him right then and there because even though I might think he knew, there could be any number of things going on at that moment.

Peace

i need to know... please repsond i need to know... please repsond i need to know... please repsond
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  #7  
Old Dec 06, 2007, 10:55 PM
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she would lean in. her face showing the most sympathy any face ever has. she would either say, "what are the tears for. what are you thinking about thats making you emotional." or, more likely, she would just sit with me. not take her eyes off me for one second. let me experience the pain. and she would watch intently. she'd wait for me to speak. if i didn't, she would say something. i'm not sure what kind of statement she would make right then because i've never cried infront of her before, although i wish i could. i have this feeling though when i'm with her thats numb. i feel the sadness, but i'm overwhelmed by being with her because i love her presence. plus when theres silence she sits and stares at me until i speak. all i can think about is the force of her eyes on me so i can't just cry on the spot. its weird.
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  #8  
Old Dec 06, 2007, 11:14 PM
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i am unhappy yes. hurt yes. not knowing how to process.
  #9  
Old Dec 06, 2007, 11:18 PM
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My T would let me cry and he would make these sympathetic non-verbal noises. I love how he does that. He would say to let the tears come and sit with me while I cried. He would lean forward in his chair, look deeply at me, and project empathy. And feel the pain with me. After I had cried a while, he might ask, "can you tell me what this is about?" He would not assume he knew what it was about. If I couldn't verbalize, he might say things like, "I sense that you have been deeply hurt," or stuff like that. If his statements don't mesh with what I am feeling, I can just shake my head, but he usually gets it. Based on lots of experience working together and trusting him, I can usually get to the point where I can tell him what the matter is, but it can take some time, depending on the hurt.

Jello, I hope you are OK. i need to know... please repsond
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  #10  
Old Dec 07, 2007, 12:11 PM
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I think it would depend on who was out. I have little alters - if they were the ones out crying I think she'd sit next to them and just be with them asking if they wanted to share or just sit there with her. She'd say she understands how tough it is, and apologize for the pain that was coming through. She'd let them lean into her and be held.
If I were the one crying I have no idea what she'd do. I never have cried or been near crying in front of her. I have cried on the phone and she is very empathetic and helps me pull through it.
  #11  
Old Dec 07, 2007, 12:24 PM
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Perna Perna is offline
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I think it would depend on if this scenario had happened before and what the results then had been. If I had done this before, the earlier outcomes might be recalled; if it was a new response, my T couldn't know what I was upset about if I hadn't been discussing it. I usually keep talking though, through my tears, keep explaining and thinking things through.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i am unhappy yes. hurt yes. not knowing how to process.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Look "beyond" the unhappiness and hurt, to the actual subject under discussion. Put the feelings aside as they're just markers to tell us where to dig for the gold.
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  #12  
Old Dec 07, 2007, 01:47 PM
anneke06 anneke06 is offline
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She would speak very softly, but directly to me and say, "Talk to me...." She would also ask if I wanted her to sit with me or hold me. She would pass me tissues and let me take the time I needed to feel the feelings and get the tears out. If I kept crying through all of this, she would murmer supportive things, like "let it go" or "let it out" or "I know how much it hurts"...all depending upon the situation. When I would look up, she would be looking at me compassionately, probably nodding a bit as if to say, "it's ok...this is a safe thing to do here."
  #13  
Old Dec 07, 2007, 02:51 PM
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ok.. a different direction.. same thing though...

in this scenario, you have yet to ever cry in front of T:

large, looming life issues.. overwhelming. These are being discussed.. during that you are on the verge of tears, very obviously so. You can barely see through the tears that are there but haven't fallen. It's an effort to keep yourself together.

would your T let that be? would he/she allow you to keep it back and prevent yourself from crying?

or

would he/she say or ask things which would gently nudge you over that emotional edge which would bring tears flowing?

is it better to completely let a client come to the point of crying entirely of their own choice, regardless? or is it better to induce the tears that are all but flowing?

in a moment of intense pain, should a T reach out to bridge that gap? or wait for the client to complete the gap themselves?

no sunrise, tulips... i am not ok. thank you for asking
  #14  
Old Dec 07, 2007, 03:26 PM
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lauren_helene lauren_helene is offline
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My guess is that he would be concerned and ask 'what's going on' or something like that. If I didn't speak after his question, he would give me a few seconds/minutes.

Eventually though, he'd drag it out of me because I don't know how to be quiet for long.

I'm sorry if you are in pain over something your T said or didn't say...
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  #15  
Old Dec 07, 2007, 04:59 PM
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tulips30 tulips30 is offline
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Mz jello......I usually don't come online during the day, but you have been on my mind since last nite. I wanted to see if you had come back & if you were ok.

Your questions are hard to answer cause we are all so different as are our T's. But, for your own reasons you need some answers to them. I can feel that.

I am a crier by nature. I cry when very moved, angry or hurt. Sometimes I cry just cause I'm over-tired. I guess I qualify as a cry-baby.

However, if I was on the verge and welled up. My t would wait paiently for me. He NEVER forces anything on me. UNLESS he fears for my safey. Even then, he doesn't push, but sits even more forward in his chair. I know when his voice gets to the point that I can hardly hear it, he is feeling very concerned. This makes me listen more closely. Maybe that's the point. Whenever he feels that something HE has said has made me feel worse or more upset, he says " I am just guessing here. I could be wrong. Am I in the wrong place? Can you help me?"

Does this help at all? I really want to help you right now. I am feeling a little frustrated cause you seem to be tied in a little ball hurting very much and I am not sure if I am answering the right question.

i need to know... please repsond i need to know... please repsond i need to know... please repsond

tulips
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  #16  
Old Dec 07, 2007, 05:43 PM
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Mine would say something that hit the nail on the head, I would start crying and he would absolutely know that he got it right. He would say, well looks like you are in this marriage by yourself. I would cry, because it's true. Words that are true make me cry. What about you?
  #17  
Old Dec 07, 2007, 05:45 PM
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Other scenario, yes he would keep talking until something made me cry...then he would know he had engaged me.... because it's so important to get those feelings out...so important.
  #18  
Old Dec 08, 2007, 02:22 AM
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so confused. He is in a tough place with me. He has to trust himself and what he knows he does best. i am easily driven away. Pull and i may break loose and run away forever. Stand and wait and you might be waiting alone as i run anyway. What is best?
  #19  
Old Dec 08, 2007, 03:47 PM
freewill
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response to first question......

My... T.... is very quiet spoken all of the time...

he would say.. " I can see you are having a really hard time with this... I am so sorry.... let's see if there is something that we can do to help make it better. I know this is very painful.... let's see if talking about it.. will help..."

then... if I can't talk...

he always has a very caring face... one that shows that he is right there with you.... (some of the T's I have had.. I have felt like they are thinking about their dinner plans)....

he says"..... sometimes... things are just too painful.. and crying is good... it helps to release some of the pain"...

then... he waits awhile... and you can actually see him thinking... of another approach..

this alone makes me feel better... cause he cares enough not to give up on trying to help me...

then " he will bring up the issue himself... and say XYZ.... is the reason you are hurting.. and lets take a look at it"..
  #20  
Old Dec 08, 2007, 03:53 PM
freewill
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He would say " I can see that you are almost crying.. you know it is ok and safe to cry here.... I wonder what is that is bringing you to the point of tears... please lets talk about it... I want to help"
  #21  
Old Dec 08, 2007, 04:30 PM
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i have to learn to trust that he knows what he is doing. i always second guess him. i dont know how to trust someone.
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