Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Thanks for the 3pm offer which I turned down. I get that things come up, but I'm not ready to forgive you.

Well jeez. That went better than I expected. What a nice surprise. Glad I went. Phew.

So, it turns out that you aren't accredited by a professional body and you didn't complete your qualification. Now there's a turn-up for the books. Jesus frigging wept, therapy with you gets messier and uglier with every week that passes. I guess your grey boundaries and inappropriate emotional investment make a lot more sense now. I am such a loser for sticking with something toxic.

I learned how to do this with you, that has led me straight into falling in love. This learning to be honest about who I am and what I want, and to want to be with somebody who is profoundly honest in return. I think I used to blame my spouse for not being honest with me, about all sorts of things, both big and small, but I wasn't honest either. How different this is, how happy I am that just telling the truth as it is for me leads to this kind of connection, this kind of happiness, this kind of relationship.

I think it’s different. That you don’t answer me as quickly anymore. I’m not okay with that. Of course I can’t tell you this...

Y'know reading this I think maybe this is what L was talking about, when she asked me if I could take my relationship with her into my other relationships. That I've started doing with my h at long last. Thanks for helping me really understand what she was saying.

I'm happy for you. I think it's especially hard to do this truthy thing in an existing relationship; you deserve a lot of credit. It seems easier to me to break this kind of pattern in a new relationship.

I think I had a good marriage in a lot of ways, but not in this most important piece. Being with someone who is inspiring in her honesty with me has encouraged me to push past my fear of being afraid of telling the truth. And I realize what I've been missing in relationships and it is just pretty awesome.

Dear T: I think I'm going to relapse with SH. I'm sorry. I feel it in me. Like in my bones. I don't think I can shrug this off. Kit

Dear former T: I miss you!

I just want to come home...please

T, you hit the attachment nerve. I don’t know if it was intentional or not but you hit it. I said I would appreciate a reply to my email but I didn’t say you had to and I know if I need a reply for sure I have to call. You have shown me connection in a way only you have been able to do. Now I want it and you control it. That’s why it isn’t safe to want. Now you have control over me. Now you can take it away. Now you can hurt me. Now I’m sad and scared. If you don’t read my email until just before session or you don’t reply I know you will expect a rupture between us... you’re not getting one. I hope you dont walk on egg shells about this, that would hurt me more. This sucks. My anxiety is crazy. Pdoc Friday. I know you are unsure about her too. You don’t like Pdocs you don’t understand she is like you, she doesn’t like Pdocs either and she isn’t a pill pusher... but she can help take the edge off the anxiety and help me sleep... but more importantly she can be there for me when you are out of town.
Hugs

Why did I offer to eat with you. I dislike eating with people. Ugh. I hope you like it and I hope that wife is right that nuking it will be ok/helpful. I hope you like it enough to eat it. I know you said I could change my mind, that would be just as weird as bringing the food.

I miss you. I want to feel connected to you.

I passed radio, now just sports left for this week.

I dreamt that the BBC wanted to interview you because you're a contestant on a cooking show.

P.s YAY- Free session!

Dear T,

Ugh, why do you have to be sick today? It was bad enough you had a conference last week.

-Butterfly

We need to discuss that hug next week. D@mn.

I don’t know if I can do this.

Dear T,
So...I think sharing the song and the discussion that came after actually made me feel more connected to you. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing?
Love,
LT

Thank you for holding steady for me today. Not sure whether it was a coincidence that you were wiping your eye as I allowed myself to describe Chris as my 'best friend'.

This is more "Dear T: I really need to tell you something but I can't". Today marks two weeks since our last session and I still feel awful. I can't tell if its because of how much I miss you now, or how much I know I will in a few months time. Our break became unbearable, but this time it's not a break.

T who isn't my T,
Thank you. I don't really know how to thank you without making it awkward.
I think you know that I know what you were doing. I know you very intentionally chose to disclose that; I don't think I can remember you ever disclosing something like that in a meeting before. I really appreciate it that you did it for my sake.
And it really did make me realize just how differently I feel when it's someone else.
I'm sorry your childhood was like that. I hope you know you're a good person.

Duh, now I realize why I've been thinking about you so much. Your bday is tomorrow!! Being off work for the past couple-3 weeks I'd lost track of the date! Haha. Well, happy birthday tomorrow.

Dear T: I evaluate relationships, even the oh-so-casual ones, so differently now that I understand them better. I don't want to be around anyone who lies to me, tries to use me, is unkind or takes potshots at me, or who bores me and acts like a victim. Like zero tolerance. I am proud of the kind of parent I am and the kind of partner and friend I have become. The people who don't measure up just don't matter. I'm just kind of done with all the superficial and the lack of reflection and those who seem to enjoy antagonizing or putting me down.

Dear T: The other thing I'm really in touch with today is how much of a wreck the world is, and it hasn't changed in the 25 years I've been doing this work. I wish the people I work with didn't have to go through such pain, the violence at home and in the community and at school and at work, then the abuse of power in the systems supposedly designed to help. Sometimes I think that my participation in the System is just a farce, as the monster is going to chew up people and spit them out, pretending because I'm their advocate, this is all somehow fair. And it is not fair. Not at all. Not one single teeny bit.

I know you've been treating me with kindness and understanding but I still feel scared when I'm in session.