Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

If any other T had said something like that I would have wanted to punch them in the face. Just so you know.
You only get away with it because your smile makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Don't push your luck though.

Also, thanks for the hug. You knew I needed it even though I never would have asked.

You didn't actually say I can never see you again.

I have two sides of me and they are destroying me. My brain feels so strained. I don't know what to say because really, nothing matters. This is extremely painful.

Especially because the 11th will be one year since... that really really really ****** day
And I know you're allowed to take a week off. And I know it's not abandoning me. And I know you have no idea what day that was last year.
I don't even want to admit that I checked my old calendar.
Your name on all the Fridays after that was angrily scribbled out in black marker.
I had to see that reminder on my calendar for the next two months.

And maybe I just also want to establish that I'm not okay going a week without you.
But talking to you about this preemptively on Friday would seem like a guilt trip. You're going to try to convince me to not do it. It's not going to work. And then I'll feel guilty for having burdened you with that knowledge. And pathetic for being so needy.
Maybe I should only tell you after if at all.

I really hate May. It brings out the most crazy emotions over you. Good thing t3 isn't seeing me regularly, poor guy would be getting the brunt of the negative ones. At any rate, we are getting close to 5 months of being apart. Seems insane. I still miss you every single day

Dear T,
Scared about seeing you in an hour...
Love you (which is part of the problem),

LT

I'm tempted to send you an email saying that I'm sorry, but I'm not going to.

I wanted to talk about something else and feel like today was taken up with our miscommunication drama and I'm feeling a bit cheated.Why do I have to pay for this one and missing sessions when you don't ?

But it's the waiting bit that's always the hardest. Waiting for you to be there for me and not having anyone there.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I felt heard and understood. And the thing you said about deserving more love because of my mental health issues, not less (as I'd always believed), really resonated with me.
Love,
LT

You're right that there's something that I'm not saying. The problem is that I have no idea how to put words to it.

I'm sorry about today. I'm sorry I'm a mess. I am sorry that I am so broken.

That sucked for me. Apparently I still suck at therapy. Being vulnerable just makes me angry.

I want to tell you that I'm having surgery tomorrow. But I can't just call you again and not come back to therapy. It doesn't work that way.

Pay attention!
No! Leave me alone!

T, I put some more of the puzzle together about you today and Im scared. I started off scared anyway but I am getting more afraid of you. I worked on the latest T is out of town project. I got the hard part done... now to do the bulky work and finishing. I planned on bringing this one to session to use with you but wanted to keep it. I wanted to use it when I was needing you or missing you... but H doesn’t want it in the house and he says it matches your office... well duh it matches the office it is to remind me of you when you are away. I think I know why you won’t talk to me about going to the inpatient place I want to go to... but we need to come up with something. I need more support. I have to work tomorrow and I don’t want to. At least the other two people I am working with won’t notice if I am slacking.
I miss you

Ok, T I sent a few emails... not bad for me, kinda a normal week not a you’re gone week... I know you are super busy now that I figured out what you are up to... so I know I told you I would call in anything that needed your attention before your return, and I clearly marked the subject line of each email as Not Urgent Can Wait... but I think maybe I lied.

I know that I ran away. I know that I have more work to do. I'm terrified of my feelings for you. I don't know what to do.

I am not dealing with this vacation very well, or at all. This has been a horrific year. I am dealing with some very intense anger, bewilderment., helplessness, hopelessness. self hatred. You very articulately got the point across that you are "just" my therapist. Are you planning on being gone a lot more time? I need to know because I can't take this. I'm sitting here in agony and you're off sailing the high seas totally unaffected.

I can't help how I am reacting. I just want to be numb, or really, nonexistent. I don't care about my future, if I will be in pain forever, if you stay or leave.

You are unaffected while I am struggling. This is how I feel. AT this point, if you want me gone or if you don't care, it doesn't matter. I desperately want to lose consciousness of reality. I am overwhelmed with unwanted affect. I am overwhelmed with my unwanted state of consciousness. I'm just decimated.

I can't do this.

Nevermind....

One step at a time artie. When you're ready to go back you will.

,

Hang in there BCM. I have to work today so I won’t be on much but you can PM if you need and I will try to check when I get off work.

I'm afraid I am not going to wake up after surgery and I'm never going to see you or my son ever again

I hate this right now.
It just makes me more angry, but there is no place for the anger to go.
I have to try not to cry right now b/c that's a very bad idea.
And why will the faucet not stop dripping in this room?

Forensic exam tomorrow at 11am.

I give up R because it hurts too much.