Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

T,
I need you. I've gotten really low, depressed. I'm not in crisis but I'm worried. I'm not happy at work, I'm not happy at home. This is really stressing me out and I'm on break... Imagine what with school will look like.

I miss you today. 18 more days.

I've been so productive today. Until now, with thoughts of you clouding my brain. It feels so all or nothing sometimes. I'm still trying to decide how to move forward from here.

Yeah, I think I want to come see you next week. But just a one-off. I have some questions. And will likely call you on Monday. But maybe not.

I wish I could have met you in the middle on Thursday and found that moment of connection. It hurts so much right now that I wasn't able to. I wish we could talk tomorrow.

T-

It really means a lot to me that you are keeping in touch with me when I am feeling so awful.

-c

I need you right now. May is always excruciatingly painful for me plus in next week it will be a year since I have seen you...I still cant believe you are gone. I have been extremely triggered the last few weeks but I have been holding it together' not using excessive alcohol or SH. It has been hard though. I did not need to have tonight happen. Finding out niece has a good chance of having cancer, then kiddo needing to be checked in the Er was too much for me. He was in the Er you worked I could help to wish I could text you for comfort. It brought back so many memories. Now other son is angry because our plans were in his mind ruined..when they didnt need to be. I think there is more going on in his head than he is telling us.

I don't understand how you totally misunderstand when before you have always asked to clarify but you just took those words and made an ethical escape route and I wasn't true I did not want to quit in fact I came with new energy but your incessant babbling about me seeing other Ts just pissed me off.

I am afraid that you not wanting to work with me anymore means I am fundamentally not a nice person.

I'm scared that you'll be disgusted if I talk about feeling a connection with you
the idea of a connection with me is disgusting
I'm not worthy. I'm icky. I'm gross. I'm disgusting.
It's one thing to make you put up with me from afar. But no one should have to be emotionally close to me.
It feels like I'm metaphorically dirty and should not try to come in contact with you. I should stay on my side of the room metaphorically/emotionally

I hate feeling so needy.

I want to see you.
I don't want to see you.

I just don't want to get all sucked in again. Maybe I shouldn't call.

Still missing you.

T, I have no idea how to handle tomorrow. You could have reached out to me this weekend...

Ya broke your own rule of not replying on the weekends.

But yay tuesday session!

After my son nearly fainting in the hospital I did some thinking and research. I suspect what happened at our last appointment was a other way of disassociating. But why did just one sentence on a topic cause it with no warning signs? Why does it keep happening? Why does the way it happens keep changing? I am getting really frustrated. I am sure you are too. I am afraid you are going to want to refer me to somebody else. I couldn't handle that so please dont.

T who isn't my T,
Sorry I didn't know what to say in response to your reply so I just haven't replied. Plus I feel bad for using your time.
I'm still thinking about what you said Wednesday though.
I hope I'll see you this Wednesday even if you're not running the meeting this week.

I feel stupid crying for your attention like I used to cry for my mums. It hurts.

Former T's, aren't you sweet! All 3 of you sent me birthday wishes. What a surprise! Not expected; certainly not necessary; completely kind.

Dear T: I had a dream I was in a mental hospital. Only I was a child, not an adult, and I was crying, and you comforted me. What the heck was that about? Kit

I am completely aware of what I do wrong. Always. I have nowhere to hide from myself.

Dear T,
So...all that male authority figure stuff? I feel some of that for you, too. I have assorted fantasies about it. I don’t know if it’s OK to tell you. It would be useful for the therapy. But would you personalize it too much? It’s about who’s you are to me, not about *you*. I’m just not sure how to explain that. You’re like an archetype or something. Maybe it’s worth trying? I feel I’m doing a mental cost-benefit analysis...
Good session, just lots left to discuss.
Love,
LT

Not a good day. 3.25 hours.

I still haven't decided if I am going to call you today or not.

Dear T: I am pleased with myself for asking proactively for an extra session this week because I feel I have something big to discuss. I did not mean to communicate I was in a crisis, though I can understand why you might have interpreted it that way. I do wonder, though, how many times I can circle the same historical issue before it circles the drain. Am I doomed to a lifetime of this repeating that emerges every time I have a positive life change? And I also get why I might have avoided relationships for these past years because people push my buttons, so does intimacy. I think this stuff might be worth it. I'll see. But meanwhile I'd like to move closer to resolution on this. Please help me make it happen.