Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Dear T,
Struggling right now, not entirely sure why. Don't know if it's about listening to the band I associate with ex-MC, buying a Mother's Day card for my mom, something else, or a mix. Part of me wants to reach out to you, but I'm sure you wouldn't see it tonight, so will just see how I feel in the morning. Assuming I'm mostly OK then, would just wait till session Monday. Maybe I'll type up what I want to send you (and not send it), then we could discuss it in session? Also trying to just sit with the sadness. Maybe I just need to grieve? Like what I didn't have in childhood? And what I thought at one point I was getting from ex-MC? (In retrospect, I feel that was more maternal than paternal.) In the meantime, I'll try to just hold on to the feeling of your caring.
Love,
LT

T, I know you are trying, I know you are trying SO hard. I know you are not frustrated with me or angry with me... just hopeful we can get past this block before I collapse. 4 people quit at work this week so I can get the hours I need to see you... but I have to find a place for my son...
T I REALLY want to call, and I know you said I could... but we both know I won’t. It is just a want, a big want, not a need... your granddaughter needs you.

Dear T,

I don't think I can truly express how much your email meant to me today. I did not expect it and to know that I crossed you mind, even if it was only for a moment, really touched me. Thank you for caring.

I don't know about tomorrow and it's stressing me out.

Feeling huge amounts of shame.

I want to run away and am thinking about cancelling o wenesday.

Hi exT I have just remembered that the only time you get my gp involved is when you are worried about my mental stability. I am fine really.

I feel extremely anxious and I miss you a lot. I am wondering whether we could be missing something important. You go away again in a month. We need to figure this out.

Dear T,
Got through the sadness last night and doing better this morning. I never even wrote an email draft. Maybe my coping skills are in fact improving?
Love,
LT

Sorry about that. I wish there was a retract button for emails. I mean, it felt good to send at first, but now I just feel foolish.

I'm sorry for running away and hope you'll understand.

I know you're not pushing me, but I don't feel like I can handle digging up stuff.in that direction This week- I have tests three days in a row on wenesday, thurs and friday. Plus my original exam on the 28th.

Dear T,

Wish you were here.

-Butterfly

T, thanks for not answering me at all. Sure made me feel more settled and safe and secure… and it’s not like I can tell you I’m upset after everything that has happened recently…

T, I miss you. I know this time it is only messing things up by a day but it is still hard... then in a couple weeks you are gone again. I need you. I need you more than I like, more than I want to admit right now. Maybe it will be better once we get past this trust snafoo???

Dear Info,

I am glad Mother’s Day is over. It hurts to have lost the spin of the biological wheel in that way.

ATAT

I remember reading that book when I was 5.

So please ignore my i-quit-email and see you on Wenesday!

ExT **** you you lying piece of ****.

I'm sad
I miss you
<40 hours. Not that I'm counting or anything...

Hi L, I just woke up from a dream a little bit ago that I had to actually get up and go find my notebook to write it down. Since my surgery I haven't been writing down my dreams, but this one... I really would like to do some dream work with you... but I don't want to come back to therapy - is it selfish of me to want to come one time to work with this dream? Actually you DID say I could do that. Maybe I will call and ask.

Birthday.
Calm birthday.
Happy?
Tired.
Feeling fragile, yet I don't drink.

I can't believe I caved and decided to go to our last session today. Just remember what I said in my text: I'm going because I feel obligated to, not because I want to. Don't think I'm not still ticked with you.

I want Thursday to come faster so I can talk to you again.

I miss you, strangely. And I’m afraid of how things are going to be when I visit home. I wish I could talk with you this week.

Dear T,
I feel sorta weird about session today. Maybe I was just being weird? I have no idea...Why can't you just be like, "If you want to play a song for me, go for it"? Why does it have to involve so much analysis? The same with possibly showing you pictures. I know you're trying to be careful, but it sort of feels like rejection in a way? I don't know...
Love,
LT

Idk if this will be helpful...
My T actually said no to a request kind of like this once, after discussing it and some careful consideration. It was something that had been really difficult for me to ask for, and it definitely felt like rejection.
But he was right that it would have been harmful for me in the long run.
Other things he's carefully considered and discussed before agreeing to them.

And I try to reframe it (rolling my eyes at myself as I say this, sorry) as that it would be easier to just say yes to whatever, but that he cares enough to not just do the easy thing without thinking about it.
He actually stops to carefully consider it. Because sometimes what I want isn't the same thing as what I need (and the nature of therapy, or at least my therapy, is such that I'm agreeing to follow his judgment on these things to some extent)
And, because I definitely have serious parental issues and transference, thinking about parenting styles too. A good parent won't just say yes to anything their child wants. A good parent will consider things first and is willing to say no sometimes, even if it's something their kid wants, because they care about their child's best interests. It's out of love.

I still felt rejected and cried though lol