Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Funny how 2 weeks between sessions leaves me wishing i'd never come back. Remind me again why I did? Oh, yeah. That.

t3

I never thought I'd be happy to have a condescending T... but I am, you are exactly what I need to keep the attachment at bay and being able to cry with you so easily is awesome even though I hate it at the time. I am ready to be angry at you and cry on Friday

T: Yesterday was...a lot. I don't know how I feel about it all. I'm a little nervous for next week. I guess I didn't really realize how avoidant I truly am until you shined a light on it all.

I never understood what the problem with being avoidant was. The woman said I was it, but didn't say what the point of the label was.

How am I going to go three more weeks without seeing you? I mean, I'll be fine, but what ****** timing, yet again.

I miss you so much.

T who isn't my T,
Wow. The degree of intimacy, affection, and familiarity of that genuinely surprised me. In a good way, and I really appreciated it and needed it today. Maybe one of these days I won't already have ten pounds of motorcycle armor on when you hug me.

What the point of the label was? That you have an avoidant attachment style? What the problem with that is?

If you avoid pain, you will also avoid joy. Some carp like that.

I often like being avoidant.

Yer preachin to the choir!

I'm debating on agreeing to what we've been discussing next week after my class ends. I might change my mind before then. It feels scary to even think about it and I feel like I'd have to make all the decisions myself if i agreed. How the heck does one even do that? I've always been involuntarily so the places and all that was decided without me. It's practical things like this i worry about and overthink.

I hate feeling like a subject in some scientific experiment while you just sit there and observe me. I want to feel like you’re in there with me. Where are your emotions? I’m expected to express them, but it would help if I felt anything from you. Is that against the rules or something?

Mother******, you always know the right things to say. I don't know whether to love you or hate you sometimes because I'm so afraid you're fake and I'm just too dense to see it.

Dear R (backup T),
Please say you're in town and have availability the week of July 29--please?
--LT

Thank you for recognising my empathy. It's worlds away from 'You seem to take on other people's problems'. It's surprisingly easy, and has been since I made the discovery, for me to be annoyed on Chris' behalf. If I actually faced up to how hurt and angry I feel...that would hurt.

Dear T,

I wish you'd respond to my email. I get why you might not--you don't usually respond to emails, you've already responded to one email and sent me another since our session on Monday, etc. But I still wish it.

-c

Here's hoping you have a good answer to my question.

I'm not sitting in the chair again.

Dear T,
Thank you...
Love,
LT

Right after I left it clicked. I realized why it's men. It's kind of obvious in hindsight.

For me, I avoid all relationships, and feelings and it doesn't make me feel good. There are definite positive aspects to it too, as I live alone and enjoy it.

Why are you doing this to me.

stop screwing around with the computer and your phone. You’re not taking notes, your just screwing around and it’s really distracting and angering. I can’t believe you need someone to point this out.

Dear T,

I didn't tell you about T2, but he was the reason we had a good session yesterday.

T2 said he didn't like the term acting out, but all my ambivalence about therapy was part of the work. If I left now i would likely repeat the pattern with another T.

That you were human.Despite me saying I didn't trust you- I still said that I knew you'd turn up when we had a session- and that was a form of trust.

I never got why regular sessions slots were a good thing- he said it was to provide me regularity and structure. That even though I was mean to you I still always had a choice if I was becoming aware of those feelings.

When I asked if a client could know their therapist- he said that none of his friends knew what it was like to be in therapy with him. That I knew him through my experience of him (I thought it was funny when I quoted that back to you and you said you would use it!).

I also think I don't want to take you up on the offer of a session, during your break this year.

I like the sound of T2