Couch 201: The Transformative Grammar Couch

I mailed the pastel afghan to my friend finally (the one that's for her soon to be new grand baby) and she got it yesterday, but hasn't opened the package yet she's waiting for her boyfriend to get home later today. I'm all chomping at the bit waiting for her reaction when she opens it! haha! i tracked it and it said delivered yesterday and i hadn't heard from her so i texted last night and just said 'did you get a package today?' and she hadn't checked her mail yet, thankfully it was still sitting on her front porch 7 hours after it was delivered, I was concerned about possible porch pirates of course!

For anyone needs a laugh:

Mark goes to careers guidance, it is definitely NOT therapy.



Jez In Therapy



Jez Being A Life Coach

and only "the man" can make demands on peach eating? lol

I just feel so bad and my T is being uncompromising. I know he's doing what he thinks is best for me but I just want to collapse and give up.

Oh, Mark hit close to home!

Are we SURE he isnt having a stroke?

strokes make it difficult to talk...

.

What's he being uncompromising about, chihiro? Do you want to talk about it?

Una pioneered the way for you there.

Well, he was definitely having difficulty making sense!

Do you have any off time coming up soon?

Is the uncompromisingness insisting you go about your regular routine?

Thanks @NP_Complete.

He's doing things like:
a) Insisting that I contact him before calling in sick to work, and then doing his damndest to talk me out of calling in sick. Like, yesterday I texted him at 7am saying I didn't think I could work and he called me and twisted my arm into going. His argument is that staying home in bed makes things worse, and he's right (some DBT Opposite Action crap). But my argument is that it feels like I can't. And furthermore I don't want to go to work and expose people to a crappy depressed doctor.

b) He also insists that I call him before engaging in SH. I signed a thing at the beginning of treatment saying that I wouldn't SH but at the time I had no other options for therapy so it didn't feel like a real choice. And he says that if I do start to SH again (I haven't for >1y at this point) he won't be able to treat me anymore.

He's also been very paternal lately, by his own admission--he worries about the guys I date (I've been meeting guys on an app called Coffee Meets Bagel, but I always meet them in a public place and it's not like I'm taking them home on the first date or anything) and how much alcohol I drink (0-6 drinks per week). It's sort of sweet and does make me feel cared for but also he's a worrywart and I'm a freaking grown-up.

I do appreciate how much time and energy he's putting in to our therapeutic relationship--I've had therapists who would never ever tolerate (much less insist upon) this much outside contact--but also I feel terrible and self-destructive and just want to skip work and SH and let myself slip away into oblivion.

It's him wanting me to go about my regular routine (i.e. not calling in sick to work) and also being really stubborn about me not engaging in SH (he says he won't treat me anymore if I do).

I do have some vacation time at the end of August. So that's good. But tbh the not wanting to go about my regular routine isn't just the usual exhausting and "residency is overwhelming" problem, it's also that I feel self-destructive and want to do the things that are worst for me.

One thing that feels really weird about this is that I don't know why he has the ability to talk me into stuff like going to work. Like, why do I let him do that? I'm usually the sort of person who stands her ground. Though... my relationship with T feels a bit like my relationship with my parents, and I was always very obedient with them. That's sort of humiliating.

For some people—I’m one of them—regular routine does help. But I don’t know that that’s for everyone. Does it normally help you?

The thing with stopping sh is something has to replace it—either things get better or there’s some other activity.

I’d find the concerns about dating and drinking off-putting. It’s like worrying about a leak in the boat when you might be about to hit an iceberg.

Maybe you’re being obedient because you feel like he’s a lifeline you need right now?

Do you work today?

The couch hasn’t evicted me yet for my grammar and the way I type, trust me you are very loved here.

CC- sounds like your T has a little bit of paternal counter-transference. It’s okay if you need that right now. If he is a good therapist he knows when to he needs to give a little extra and when to step back. Right now it’s okay to take the extra to help see you through.

Hi Couchies, I see my T tonight. I'm scared to go because of the battery thing. She was cool when I talked about it. I don't know if she is going to be cool that I actually did it. It's been 10 days and I feel very removed from it. But I know I gotta talk about it. Sometimes it is so hard talking about SH. Other times its easy. I hope tonight it is easy and I'm just able to talk through it. But since I feel removed from it, I sort of don't remember why it was so important that I do it like it was at the time. Tomorrow I have a PCP appointment. I'm a little nervous about that too. My doctor makes me nervous. She's okay as a doctor, I don't think she's great and I don't think she's terrible, but I'm nervous when I go there. HUGS Kit

Hugs, Kit. I hope your session goes well tonight and your T is understanding. Did you get your wound checked out?

No, the next day it looked much better and now it is scabbed over and there is no more pink or warmth coming from it. I cleaned it really well and then just watched it. It might not even heal as badly as I first thought. I guess I dodged a bullet there.

Routine does help me, though when work gets really intense that can be a problem too. (Like, 40 hours a week is helpful; 80 hours a week in a hectic ICU is not.)

That’s part of what’s nagging at me regarding the SH issue—he’s basically saying “stop that” without suggesting some alternative action. It isn’t that bloody simple. I mean I’ve looked at all the lists of stuff to do instead of SH (like draw on your arm with a red pen or whatever) but none of that stuff “does it” for me.

I’m not exactly off today, but in the morning I had “administrative time” (time to do paperwork that has built up during the week and call patients with results and stuff) and in the afternoon I have didactics but I’m skipping them because I have a psychiatrist appt right in the middle and the psych hospital is a long way away. I should have spent the whole morning out of the house but I just couldn’t and spent the last few hours in bed. T will be disappointed or maybe scold me for that if he finds out.

I hate that I need him. I abhor it.

Thanks, Jersey.

I think you’re right about the countertransference. I’m not totally sure how I feel about it. I guess right now my biggest fear is that it will fade even though I still need the extra help and he’ll just get frustrated and give up on me. This level of contact just doesn’t seem sustainable.

It's up to him to take care of himself. If it's what you need right now- I'm glad he can provide that extra support for you.

Awww thank you.

I don't think it's his job to scold you, but to support you in ways that help you do the best you can. For about a year, I drank every day, then in January I quit because I got gout. Sometime last month, stressors piled up and I started drinking again. I know I shouldn't drink as much as I do. If I had to guess, he probably doesn't want me drinking like this either. But not once has he scolded me or judged me in any way. We talk about it, about what purpose it serves me, and if I said "please help me quit", I don't doubt he'd do anything to help me. Anything but scold me or judge me or tell me he can't see me anymore if I'm drinking. I'm sorry you're not getting that right now. If you need to take a few hours or a whole day away from work, it's not his choice. He can encourage you, but it almost sounds like he's nagging you about it.

Thanks, Lemon.

I guess I recognize that it’s his job to take care of himself... but I’m afraid that he’ll do an incomplete job of that, that he’ll allow himself to begin to resent me and that I’ll end up paying for his inability to control his emotions. (This happened with my dad a lot growing up... my therapist is not the only one with some transference going on...)