[Lonelyinmyheart]

This will probably sound a really silly issue but it's really upsetting me.

T has said many times that if I need to text her during the week she will always reply. This means a lot to me because past Ts have not done this and one T in particular told me she found me controlling because I apparently wrote messages in such a way that 'forced' her to respond (even though she mostly didn't). When a T does not reply, I feel really rejected and disconnected as I feel I can't rely on the connection. Current T is, I feel, really trying to show me that she is here for me.

And she has always replied and very quickly too. However, there was an exception quite recently. During a session I asked her if I could send her something because I'd been too scared to send it earlier. T replied that of course I could. So later that day, after the session, I sent it plus a message saying I hoped she could open it okay (as I had to send it via one of those apps for large files). I waited for her to respond, but she didn't.

By the next day she hadn't responded and I was feeling really upset and disturbed. Part of me thought maybe it didn't need a response because T and I had agreed that I would send it. I wasn't expecting her to respond to what i'd actually sent because it was too long and more a subject for a session. T never does 'therapy' via text, she just sends short but reassuring replies. But I thought she may have acknowledged my text and said she was able to open the file. Or something. The fact she didn't has completely thrown me.

I was having a difficult day later in the week and I text her again, to which she responded. To be honest, part of the reason I text her was to see if she would actually respond to me. I was relieved that she did. But no mention of the first text.

It has left me feeling relieved that she has replied to text 2, but really uncertain that she is actually going to respond to all messages like she said. Even as I write this I can hear how ridiculous this sounds, but it's such a difficult issue for me, especially due to how past Ts have handled it. This T is so empathic and caring and tries hard to be consistent.

It's not just about the text, it's whether she can be consistent. Its whether I can trust without backing away and doing my usual thing which is thinking it's all pointless because she doesn't care etc.

I probably should talk to her about my feelings re her lack of response but I'm worried I will come across as controlling and also from then on there will be a certain tension around me sending texts because she will know I want replies no matter what. I don't want to MAKE her send them, I want her to want to. It feels too risky to go there. But I don't think I can say nothing either.

It probably doesn't matter in the scheme of things. But I feel so thrown by this.

I'd appreciate any perspectives. But please no T bashing. My T is a really good safe T other than this. I know I'm giving away my power by wanting her to reply. I know I shouldn't really care. I KNOW all this, but I'm feeling this way anyway.

[BizzyBee]

I wonder if she got the text? Or if because it was that large file, if it went through or not. I can understand your fears, given your previous T but this T seems to be pretty consistent in responding so I wonder if it was a tech snafu.

[Rive.]

From what you write, it seems text 1 did not warrant a reply: no direct question but merely a hope that the files would open. Seeing there was no problem opening the file and you did not request anything specific (e.g. need for connection or reassurance) she did not feel the need to reply. As you mention, content of the file is better discussed face-to-face.

Text 2 was you explicitly reaching out to her. Hence, her reply to text 2.

It really doesn't read as T going back on her word. She shows she is there when you need her and responds to you accordingly.

I would however suggest for you to bring it up if it affects you.. It might be a difficult conversation but she would better appreciate where you were/are coming from i.e. need for connection etc.

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

This will probably sound a really silly issue but it's really upsetting me.

T has said many times that if I need to text her during the week she will always reply. This means a lot to me because past Ts have not done this and one T in particular told me she found me controlling because I apparently wrote messages in such a way that 'forced' her to respond (even though she mostly didn't). When a T does not reply, I feel really rejected and disconnected as I feel I can't rely on the connection. Current T is, I feel, really trying to show me that she is here for me.

And she has always replied and very quickly too. However, there was an exception quite recently. During a session I asked her if I could send her something because I'd been too scared to send it earlier. T replied that of course I could. So later that day, after the session, I sent it plus a message saying I hoped she could open it okay (as I had to send it via one of those apps for large files). I waited for her to respond, but she didn't.

By the next day she hadn't responded and I was feeling really upset and disturbed. Part of me thought maybe it didn't need a response because T and I had agreed that I would send it. I wasn't expecting her to respond to what i'd actually sent because it was too long and more a subject for a session. T never does 'therapy' via text, she just sends short but reassuring replies. But I thought she may have acknowledged my text and said she was able to open the file. Or something. The fact she didn't has completely thrown me.

I was having a difficult day later in the week and I text her again, to which she responded. To be honest, part of the reason I text her was to see if she would actually respond to me. I was relieved that she did. But no mention of the first text.

It has left me feeling relieved that she has replied to text 2, but really uncertain that she is actually going to respond to all messages like she said. Even as I write this I can hear how ridiculous this sounds, but it's such a difficult issue for me, especially due to how past Ts have handled it. This T is so empathic and caring and tries hard to be consistent.

It's not just about the text, it's whether she can be consistent. Its whether I can trust without backing away and doing my usual thing which is thinking it's all pointless because she doesn't care etc.

I probably should talk to her about my feelings re her lack of response but I'm worried I will come across as controlling and also from then on there will be a certain tension around me sending texts because she will know I want replies no matter what. I don't want to MAKE her send them, I want her to want to. It feels too risky to go there. But I don't think I can say nothing either.

It probably doesn't matter in the scheme of things. But I feel so thrown by this.

I'd appreciate any perspectives. But please no T bashing. My T is a really good safe T other than this. I know I'm giving away my power by wanting her to reply. I know I shouldn't really care. I KNOW all this, but I'm feeling this way anyway.

There is a big possibility that she couldn't open the file (you mentioned it was very big) or she didn't receive it. I am going by the fact that she said that you could send it and that she is always consistent. She also texted you back after the second time that you texted her. I really think that she couldn't open it or she just didn't receive it.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Thank you so much for the responses. It really helps to get some perspectives.

I should have said that T almost certainly received it as I use delivery reports and I got one as usual soon after sending it. It's possible she couldn't open the file but then I'd have hoped she would have told me? If that is the issue hopefully she will tell me in my next session which would clear it up.

If she doesn't, I guess like you say Rive she probably didn't feel it warranted a reply. It's just me being literal about it - she said she would always reply and she has not!

It's interesting what issues this has brought up for me. I know in my heart she's a safe T, but this has made me feel decidedly unsafe, as if she could suddenly pull away from me and not care. I'm experiencing her as uncaring and even seeing her latest text (text2) as less warm as her previous ones, due to the fact she didn't reply to text1.

It's crazymaking it really is.

I don't know whether to let it go or mention how I feel about the lack of response. I guess I could play by ear depending on if and how the subject of the file/text comes up.

[Rive.]

Yes, and I do get that she could always have sent a 'got it, thanks'. I still believe you might get something out of bringing this up with her especially as she made you feel unsafe and/or not sure she will be there for you.

She seems a good T and she may tell you that she never thought she ought to reply or she got sidetracked or...?? It might help put your mind at ease or re-establish the trust.

Unfortunately, I know how painful it is.

[ArtleyWilkins]

She may have received the first text, but may have been working on opening the large file, so she didn't respond right away, and then time passed and she got sidetracked about it. Large files/apps can be slow to respond, particularly if for some reason you are in a bit of a poor reception zone. I don't always sit around and wait for them if I'm in the middle of other things.

It sounds like you have an attentive therapist who slipped up once. Try not to be completely literal in that every single text will be replied to. I know that's what she said and how you took it, but the reality is, very few of us respond to every single text we receive. And, if we receive many texts, it's easy to lose track of what we've responded to and what we haven't. A little wiggle room for your therapist is probably in order.

I would certainly bring it up with your therapist if it continues to bother you.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Thank you both, what you've both said makes a lot of sense. She's certainly not a T who would say something and not mean it. I've had several Ts and I know she is genuine but this has really thrown me. I do think she probably either didn't think it needed a reply because it wasn't a direct request, or as you said Artley she meant to but got sidetracked. Or maybe she's simply going to mention it in the session, although she waits for me to bring things up as a rule.

When I feel I absolutely CAN'T bring up an issue no matter what, I know it's one worth talking about

Oh well, grist for the mill.

[SalingerEsme]

I might be completely wrong about this, but this doesn’t seem controlling at all as much as fearing things might suddenly not be under control. Object constancy or lacking faith in object constancy is acutely painful. That is what comes to mind when you hurt over not getting a reply to every text. Somehow, these bids for contact and their consistent reply stand in for the internalized sense she is keeping you in her mind and being largely the same person in the same state of connection as last time as when you last engaged with her. I struggle with object constancy in a different way. It seems like you wouldn’t put so much time and effort into texting in the first place, if it didn’t serve a crucial, fundamentals purpose.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

No you're absolutely right Esme, its definitely about needing to feel she is always the same and the connection is the same. It doesnt take much to threaten my sense of her as a consistent person. I struggled with this with all past therapists as well but it was never resolved properly because the contact was unpredictable. This t has never said I'm controlling but a past t did and it impacted me greatly because it tapped into my fear of pushing people away. Current t has repeatedly said I can text her, its fine, but now I'm afraid I'm losing her.

[SalingerEsme]

Getting to the root of what causes the needs and soothing it permanently is a daunting but yet hopeful scenario . It’s in one way a task children learn playing peek a boo and experiencing secure attachments with good enough well enough attuned caregivers. It is something our minds still want to learn: developmental catch up. It is so sad and I am sorry your former T just added to the terrifying ness of being without enough object constancy by judging and labeling you. It so much better to see it as a basic need like water and air, but psychological. You can’t be judged into feeling secure attachment to others. I am not sure if simply texting back consistently is enough, but for sure talking about what it is like to experience a lack
Of object constancy with a T who sees it as a normal developmental response to your particular sum- total life experience frees you from being labeled as controlling by someone who was supposed to help
you.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Thank you for understanding. I do sometimes feel quite angry at how my former t was.

Its now obvious to me that I need to tell my t how her non reply has left me feeling. Trouble is, I'm absolutely petrified of mentioning it.

Yeah the texting is only a small part of the overall experience of her as a t but you're right in saying it's the soothing that is perhaps key to this.

If I dont say anything I will quietly pull back from t which is a pattern I've had all my life, in and out of therapy. I will just quietly start distrusting her or suffer from more anxiety about contact and our t relationship.

I feel so miserable as I dont know how I will find the courage to discuss this with her. It's such a painful issue for me.

[SalingerEsme]

Maybe you can just tell her you want to work on your object constancy as a therapy goal, and give her other examples . Then you can mention that?

It is so tough. My T will get defensive sometimes, so I get how scary it is. Looking underneath it all though, it is about a lot more than texts.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

It is tough, especially how it went with a previous T when I mentioned my feelings about her not replying to all emails. She became defensive as well. I know your T does...it's so hard.

This T said only recently that she hoped she would never become defensive with me and so far she hasn't, even when I briefly mentioned a different painful issue that had come up between us. She handled that well, but for some reason talking about contact feels extra risky. It's the fear of losing it I think.

[susannahsays]

I understand your anxiety. Maybe it would help to share that you feel really anxious about it being taken away. I might also suggest that it could help to think about how you are going to phrase things. While I would hope she wouldn't get defensive as the therapist, she is still human, and approaching her in an accusatory way probably won't be the best tactic. For example, I probably wouldn't accuse her of going back on her word. Nobody likes to essentially be called a liar. Instead, you could focus on describing how you felt when she didn't respond. And I would definitely share about how you have a pattern of pulling back over things like this. I would probably also acknowledge that this - the requiring of responses to every single message - is an issue and you do eventually want to be able to handle this sort of thing without it causing you distress and it disrupting relationships. I think expressing an intention and willingness to work on the problem (which isn't the requiring of the responses itself, but some sort of object constancy thing as SE mentioned) will make you much less likely to be perceived as controlling.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Thank you. Yes I'm not a confrontational person in the slightest, so I would definitely put it in such a way that focuses on myself needing to explore and work through the feelings and reactions rather than putting blame on her. I had my session but unfortunately I wasn't able to talk about it. I'm not beating myself up about it though because I was emotional during the session (which is unusual for me as I'm very shut down as a rule) and a lot of other stuff took centre stage as a result. She did keep saying it was fine to text even if just to connect with her during the week, so I'm reassured about that. She didn't mention the file so I'm pretty certain she opened it (she would certainly have said if she hadn't been able to, rather than just left it). So I've concluded that she didn't see the need for a response due to the fact we discussed the fact I would sent it earlier. However I am going to discuss this with her soon, hopefully next time.