Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

@@, he snapped at you. And now you're losing sleep over him. I am sympathetic to disabilities. However, from the sounds of it, he has been completely unwilling to do anything to help himself while making your life miserable. I understand that you feel conflicted about maybe having some empathy due to the disability, but I would honestly remind yourself that his behavior and attitude certainly aren't conducive to improving the way people with disabilities are treated, and does no favors to other people with disabilities. Him having a disability (which I thought he refused to register for?) is not a free license to act however he wants and damn everybody else.

As for under or over reacting - does it make any difference in what you have to do? And either way, the situation is stressing you out a lot and I think that is legitimate.

Finished with my paper now and have submitted it. I'm going to try to complete the discussions for next week tonight to get them out of the way too. Still haven't been able to bring myself to read my professor's response to my email.

I dont know what to do, i feeli should do somethin there is a hearing impaired cashier at my supermarket and he always lokks miserable he smiles sometimes at my stupid attempts to sign, yesterday and today he left and was replaced by a girl who wasnt very complimentary about him, i asked if she ever tried to communicete with him and she insinuated that it wasnt really worth the time. The cashier next her said something similar. I pointed out he might be feeling lonly but they seemed to think he should try harder. I wanted to complain but a supervisor wasnt available so i wrote it down and put in the complaints box. I feel so sad for him.

It doesn't actually matter what or why info does it. If she thinks it is fashionable -that is fine. Even better I say if Info thinks she is fashionable. Who gets to say what is or is not fashionable? White men whose idea of fashionable is waif-like half-starved people wearing impractical and improbable textiles? For some perhaps and that is fine - but it needn't define us all.
I was told (by the other client who saw her and knew me) that the first woman (in her 70s) wore fishnet stockings and a lot of dangly jewelry (I truly never noticed - I rarely notice what anyone is wearing) but woman did say things a couple of times that indicated to me that she thought of herself as dressing fashionably and professionally and that how she dressed was important to her. Again - doesn't matter what anyone thought- just good for her for wearing what made her feel good about herself.

I am glad she was useful or somewhat useful (I don't want to overstate it). I have done this sort of thing (over other facts of course) as well. It is a hard balance.

Fishnets seem really uncomfortable.

I will say that Info always looks comfortable.

Managed to complete my discussions for the next 2 weeks in my class besides the 3 required responses to other posts from classmates. Started working on next week's assignment which is only a brochure and 300-500 word reflection on the brochure. Finally read my professor's email and she said she is willing to work with me if I need more time to complete any assignments and to keep her updated. So that's a relief just in case. I don't want to have to take her up on it but I'm not very hopeful with seeing my pdoc on Thursday with how the SH and SI have been lately and the fact that I'm not on any meds this week after last week's incident.

Can’t sleep. Ugh.

A+ for effort.

Some couchies are struggling, hugs to you.

I am finding it easier to stay out of bed and be productive and not think of exT. i was painting a cow and thought of exT but that was the only time. We used to cows as my safe place and rhen we stopped doing that. I really want to ask him why we started so many things and just suddenly stopped them.

Random thoughts:

Someone posted on another forum I'm on asking for a recommendation for a T. I messaged them R's contact details. I've done that before with someone else I wasn't super close to but saw every now and again before he dropped out.

I was talking to R yesterday, when he brought up what made me first contact him and at the end I said I didn't want him to have new clients. He said it was because of his other clients that he could offer to see me at my reduced rate xD.

I know he has other clients, but I don't want to think about them. I get jealous because I think he'll forget about me.

I'm not sure if you'll get closure , but I hope one day if he does offer you something you'll tell him to get stuffed. Cause you'll see how strong you have become with all his **** .

Dance with me?

Well done on getting a head start on all the other work.

I think your tutors message is very positive.

Sorry if i've missed it but is there a reason you've stopped all meds for now?

Where's CE?!

@@ how come the shopping trip with info got shelved?

So my podc didn’t have much He could do as I’m on the highest dose of my meds. So we are. Going to augment with alternative medicine. He had me go to Costco and get some SAM-E. And then he is ordering me some vitamin B something. He gave me a book to read and a paper that’s 40 pages that talks about how people with this gene or gene mutation, that anti depressants just don’t work right. I’m still super depressed that he will be leaving at the end of the year. I want to see if I can afford his cash fee. I told him he is breaking my heart.

Ugh, SK, I really suggest you look for someone else. It's fine to supplement, but it's ridiculous that you're on all this medication and feel so terrible. Plus, when you pay out of pocket, when they want to see you more frequently after making a med adjustment or because you're doing really bad, it gets really hard financially. I wouldn't just look at budgeting for his cash fee based on whatever frequency you're seeing him at now.

And just be honest with yourself, is he helping? Do you want to keep seeing him because he is an effective psychiatrist, or because it's hard to find someone else and change is difficult and maybe you are attached to him? I really hope you consider someone else. It's hard hearing about you seeing this psychiatrist and therapist who don't really seem helpful. I know severe depression can be very paralyzing and it's hard when you feel so bad to take action to make a change. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise because you'll be forced to do something different no matter what - and you have an opportunity to take a step in a different direction. This whole thing, while extremely stressful, could end up being the catalyst that turns things around for you. You've been feeling bad for so long... and I do think there's someone out there who can help you more than he has.

The pdoc I just started to see a few weeks ago put me on Lexapro and only gave me a 2 week supply without refills. When I went in last week we were supposed to talk about if it was helping or not, but that's when he called EMS on me and had me transported to the hospital. He wanted the hospital to admit me IP and have them mess with meds but the emergency room discharged me. So I basically had to cold turkey the Lexapro and will see him again tomorrow morning.

Yikes, how do you feel, shehulk? I don't know if two weeks on lexapro is enough to develop physical dependency, and I assume he started you on a low dose, but still... SNRIs have really bad withdrawal. I thought you contacted them about not having refills - did they not respond?

The 9/11 anniversary makes me feel so sad

He did start me on the lowest dose so I haven't felt much physically coming off other than feeling more irritable and headaches. Since it was such a low dose for only 2 weeks I dont know how much I can blame how I'm feeling on taking it vs not taking it or just how I've been feeling in general with the increase in SH and SI thoughts.
I did call them Friday morning and they called me back Monday morning to only tell me that he doesn't want me on the lexapro and them asking again if I was hospitalized.

I feel like I've been ***** slapped by my classes this semester. I can't tell if they're actually all that hard or if it's that the other stresses I have going on at the moment just make them feel like rocket science. Either way, I'm feeling really anxious.

In “how much more can I fit onto my plate?” news, the kids’ dad has prostate cancer.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Tell me it will be okay.

Hugs to all who need. Still mostly lurking, but I am trying to keep up with at least reading the Couch all because you are pretty swell folk.