Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

It is difficult when T's compare you to other clients. Like ex-DrT saying how I think about therapy more than any of his other clients. How I use email differently than any of them. How I was the first (in >15 years) to request a transitional object. It made me feel like a weirdo. So I get it. I imagine your T is trying to be validating, to let you know he understands how much you're going through. But I also see how it could feel judgmental or like you're this special case. I'd talk to him about it.

If you needed to see T 5 times a day or even twice a day it would still be okay.You need as much support as you need.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but SA as a child is NEVER your fault. A child has no real concept of consent and what they may be coerced into going along with. It doesn't just have to be violent in order to still be abuse.

Your parents may have done their best, but not having emotional needs met as a child would still be painful.

I don't feel any ill feelings about him saying that, I just don't believe him. Although, I don't know why he would lie about it either. One thing he said recently made me think though. He said I've not had anyone recognize the things that were going on (speaking about my relationship) even me. I wonder if what he's defining as trauma is just, to me, stuff that happened that hurt. For example, I guess I always viewed that incident as kind of "well, that happened". I didn't really process it. I remember being angry about it and the next day smashed the offending object on the sidewalk enough to bend the pointy end making it unusable and the new house rule was objects of this class were no longer allowed in the house. But really, that was quite scary. I'm pretty sure my therapist counts that as trauma. I'm not sure that I would have called it that before talking with him about it.

T is going into semi-retirement. He hinted that I was one of the deciding factors between semi-retirement and full retirement.

@NP_Complete - One of my favourite quotes from Peter Levine, who developed Somatic Experiencing therapy goes like this: 'Trauma is not an event. It is what we hold inside in the absence of a compassionate witness.' I'm not sure I go as far as saying it's not an event, because it always starts with something.

NP, before therapy there were many things that happened in my marriage that I would not have recognized as trauma. It took saying some of them out loud to another human for me to even begin to recognize those things as what they were, and sometimes having them repeated back to me before I could grasp it. Take your time if you need to. You still get to define it how you need to, and there’s no set timeline or expectation for that.

WFS—sorry about the kids’ dad. Don’t let it postpone your moving on if he’s trying to use it that way.

I feel a considerable amount of vitriol toward ex-DrT. I think this is a sign of progress for me, because I used to have trouble feeling anger or would turn it inward. But I don't feel that how things ended up going with him is my fault. It's like...therapy with him taught me how to identify him as the problem. Not me. So, I guess it was worth something then. Because it means I don't always blame myself (I blamed myself for a long time after the rupture with ex-MC). I figure he's surprised I haven't emailed him. That I'm not asking to see him or to come back. Maybe at some point, I'll want to go in to talk, like months from now. But not anytime soon. I do sorta miss his fish though...

Googles Vitriol

sorry, the English degree/copy editing job comes out at times...

Synonym bile.

From the google in my head.

Eta - so i did google it, and i got it backwards:

Vitriol is a synonym of bile, but bile is not listed as a synonym of vitriol.
Eta - i love this distinction!!!

I have always loved vitriol as my fave author when i was a teenager never treated his readers like they were idiots and used some obscure vocab that had me running to my dictionary.

From what the receptionist made it sound like is that he doesn't want me on the lexapro at all from his message to her. But I also know that's just her relaying a message and may not be what he wants.

I've been trying to keep myself distracted with homework and the kids. The SI thoughts and SH urges have been really bad, but I dont know if that's unjust how things are or if it's connected to being on meds then not being on meds in a 2-3 week period.

I ate Mexican food right before heading to see T and now my stomach is killing me. I would curl up and if I let one rip in session.

So I’m writing up the formal report to problem student. He was not good today (I said “no” to going over five minutes of lecture and he threw himself backwards in his chair like a toddler throwing a tantrum).

I’d like to ask his parents, jeez, did you ever introduce this kid to the notion of boundaries?

Also, Couch, what do you think of this suggestion? I brought my chair in on this just in case she could help. She’s worried he’ll turn violent (so were Info and my mother, but they’re Info and my mother). So she suggested I set it up with campus security that a couple officers come by and I be seen by the student chatting with them before class. Um? (She says she did this once and the disruptive student never returned to class.) Am I wrong to think that’s too far to go?

No, I don’t feel threatened, but if he were to make threats he’d be out of there a lot faster.

I wish I had advice for you @@ on your problem student. I don't though. I was one of those students that sat in the front row (hearing loss you know) and took notes, and tried my best and generally made A's. But I've been in classes where there were problem students, and as not fun as it is for the professor it is also not fun for the other students, because it is disruptive. I don't know about being seen with the campus security before class. It sounds like this student doesn't even have a clue and they might not even get the hint. But if you ever do feel threatened, I'd definitely do something. I hope you can get problem student resolved soon. My sister who is a preschool teacher has a problem parent this year (threatening a lawsuit because her child was put in time out). I texted back and forth with her this morning trying to help and calm her down. I sent her some Bible verses that seemed to help. I can't imagine what that child is going to grow up to be like. HUGS @@ which was the main point of my post. I wanted to send you some hugs.

Do you only have contact in lectures with him? Or is there an opportunity for him to make threats in private. Yes i think its a good idea and no i think it might be a step too far.

What Slumberkitty said

I only have contact in lectures with him unless he ever follows my instructions to email him to set up an appointment to go over his questions.

It just seems like calling cops in, well, he might not get it, like SK said, but also won’t there be an effect on the other students too?

not to far, if he can throw a tantrum then who knows what else he could throw or do. This guy sounds like he might not get it but worth a shot

I'm going to go against the grain here, but has he done anything to suggest that he might be violent? Just because he has some mental health issues doesn't mean he's violent and it seems like stigmatizing him to suggest that he is without some indication that he might become violent or threatening. If you think it's an issue though, maybe talk to campus security and see what they suggest. Maybe they can run a background check on him or something. It's really unfortunate that he's not making use of the help and resources that are being offered to him.

I say it is worth a try. Sometimes you have to approach these things from different angles and the goal is to get rid of him. It doesn't matter if you are afraid of him. He is doing a disservice to the class, to you, and to himself. Anything that doesn't hurt him but gets rid of him is something to try in my opinion.

Ive seen too many Lifetime movies. He doesnt really have adhd - thats just what they called it because they decided not to try him as an adult when he poisoned his whole 3rd grade class with his birthday cupcakes ten years ago. Now hes free...

That is sooo true.. I agree with you that it is event. But omg.. the absence of compassionate witness.. and that is exactly what I have been trying to relay to t that I need. Or at least what I have been looking for and wanting t to fill.

Is this from one of his books?