Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

I'm stressed today because of work stuff. I shouldn't be. It's just work. At the end of the day, it's not mine to take home with me. I can keep it here at the office. Still at the moment in time it feels stressful. I see T tonight. I am wondering what is going to happen after the end of the year. I don't know if she is going to keep practicing. I need to tell her about my suicidal thoughts. I'm not looking forward to that because I don't feel like she takes them seriously. Because I function. Yeah, I'm at work, but I'm still suicidal at work. Yeah, I'm getting my work done, but I'm doing it while being suicidal. HUGS Kit

Sorry KIT. That's how I feel about my son's T and how she's been handling his SI comments. I know it's not the same thing, but I feel like she doesn't take it seriously either. She told him yesterday that people who actually want to hurt themselves dont want to get out of bed, go to school, partic, etc. I hope your T can be more validating of how much you're struggling with the SI.

Thanks for understanding @SheHulk07

T normally tells me to stop worrying about the future (especially if I don't have any control over it) and start focusing on the present. I still don't get how to turn the "worry" switch to off, but sometimes it helps to focus on something in the present (particularly, if I can see results). Good luck tonight, Kit.

Thanks @kumy!

The stress at work has just accelerated today. Just really weird things to deal with like calling the HSA company and calling the insurance company. Trying to figure out the sales tax reports, when I've been doing them one way for years, and all the sudden doing them another way (okay, begrudgingly, the new way is easier! but I don't entirely know what I'm looking at on the report). Trying to get answers from the controller, the controller trying to get answers from me. Trying to complete items from the Worker's Comp Audit. It's all a bit too much today. I want to SH but I see T tonight so I'm trying to hold off because otherwise I'll be dissociated and we won't get as much out of the session. Close to three hours left in the day, then a little break, then T. I wish T was right after work because when I go home after work I'm not going to want to leave again. I really hope T is a good appointment.

My anxiety levels are very high. I'm trying to do some deep breathing to offset the anxiety. I'm also getting very tired. It's been a long day. It's been a PITA day, actually.

I'm trying to not be in a bad mood because of this anxiety, but it is hard!

A thing i used to do many years ago was every day i had a worry hour where i pick things to worry about and tried to stick to the hour sometimes it ended up being 2 hours but i tried to contain my worry so it didnt spill over into the rest of my life. I must pick this habit up again

Sometimes it seems so unreal that I am struggling with so much depression. Today has been a really bad day at work, just too much pressure and too much anxiety, and too many weird things that I don't normally have to deal with, today I had to deal with them and I'm used to my comfortable routine of what I need to accomplish at work. I know that my coworkers have no idea that I struggle with depression. I show up everyday, I do my job, I sometimes can make small talk, not always, but I give it a good shot. I get my work done on time, etc. But I realized today in dealing with some stuff with the controller that I missed a few things, that normally I wouldn't have missed. Details, but still. So I'm being really hard on myself and feeling like I'm not a good employee and beating myself down, when in all actuality, I know I'm doing my best. It's not easy coming to work with suicidal thoughts. Jumping over to websites that are there to help you if you're suicidal, or texting a helpline while I'm working. I've had depression for so long that I just suck it up and deal with it. But those details I missed are really going to get to me. I know it will. I don't want my coworkers to think less of me. But I don't want to admit to them that I'm at a breaking point. So I just continue on, day after day. About the details I missed, one thing I used to tell myself when stuff like this would happen is, in ten years, is this going to matter? I can confidently say no. So it helps me to let it go and not SH or take it out on myself another way. Just now it's something I have to be aware of. Thanks for listening, couchies, ya'll are the best. HUGS kit

I emailed the controller an apology for the two/three mistakes that I made. I told her that I have clinical depression and my focus hasn't been as good lately but that I got my medication changed the one that should affect focus and hopefully there wouldn't be those kinds of mistakes going forward. I also told her I would appreciate her confidence in the matter, but I felt I owed her an explanation, and apology, so she wouldn't think I was a complete airhead! I hope I didn't make things worse, but I felt like it needed to be said.

Hugs, Kit.

Thanks Artie!

Starting to get nervous about my flights tomorrow morning. I always do this the night before any kind of trip, I should be used to it by now. At least I am staying for like 7 days so I have a little time before I have to fly again after tomorrow. I don't do well with heights anymore and airplanes make me claustrophobic so yeah. I am flying Southwest, but I paid for early bird checkin or whatever it's called to make sure I board early enough to get an aisle seat. I have a long-ish layover in Las Vegas, so will probably find some breakfast there. I just want to be there already. Oh and I am not renting a car this time, I refuse to drive there anymore after I got rear-ended on the highway last summer back there. So my sister is picking me up at the airport.

This online writing course we're in our last week of (Jeff Brown's Writing your Way Home, it is awesome and I have really been enjoying it a lot and getting a lot of good therapeutic writing done), I bought one of his books called "Grounded Spirituality" and I've been saving it to read on the plane. So there's that!

Just gotta whine! Right when one of the bosses left today, he was like did you do x,y,z? When earlier in the day he told me he would tell me when to do x,y,z. When I reminded him of that, he was like, oh, go ahead, do it! So I did. Silly, silly man. Then I just got four invoices dumped in my box that I need to do. I'm like I have half an hour left, I think these are waiting for tomorrow. I didn't get a lot of stuff done today because I was focusing on putting out fires. Tomorrow will be a long day but maybe I will come in early to get a jump start. Depends on how therapy goes tonight probably.

I get nervous flying too Artie. Are you able to sleep on the plane? That's what I do. It seems to help.

Yes, I usually can fall asleep at some point. Depends on how good this book is that I plan to read (I edited my previous post to talk about the book) whether I'll try that or not tomorrow! thanks!

I am happy to have belly dancing class tonight, that will let me shimmy and shake out a bunch of my nervousness!

I have had to cancel my drumming classes as they are in a function room of a pub and the only way in through the bar and i just cant do that. She will have them again at the original location later.

I need to rant/vent. I know this is coming out mostly because of being nervous about flying tomorrow but dang it, why can't anyone come visit ME?! Every year (pretty much) I go back there. Since I moved away in 1998, one sister has visited exactly once (when my son was a baby, and he's about to turn 21 now), my other sister has never visited, and none of my friends has ever come out. They keep making noises about doing it, but none of them ever have despite my invitations. I have no issues with my brother only coming once, because he lives half a world away! And my Mom did come in May for son's graduation. Her and my Dad did come visit every couple years or so when my Dad was still alive too, on their RV trips with friends. But my siblings, and my friends?! Why is it always me that has to travel?! I guess I need to figure that out for myself and maybe make some changes next year... rant over, and it's now time to head over to campus for belly dancing. yeah! gotta get ridda this tension.

Oh, bummer! Is there a back entrance or something maybe where you wouldn't have to go through the pub?

I am baking chicken tenders for dinner over rice. Needed a sauce and I dumped a couple 1/2 cups of non-dairy yogurt that I’m trying to get rid of in a bowl with some lemon juice and coriander and lime seasoning. Interested to see how it turns out.

No i have checked it out there is courtyard but it only has a fire escape door that only opens from the inside. The thought of walking in and all the drunk old men watching me walk through, ugh.

That sounds nice, how do you get non dairy yoghurt, i am goingto google that

I didnt realise you can culture non dairy milk. The proteins must all be similar