Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

Just had a yummy breakfast at Las Vegas airport between flights. Still have like an hour til next flight boards. Back to reading...

Very good point, that.

It's not whining.

I had a really good T session last night. I'm still trying to process it. My head feels foggy and I fear I can't remember it all. She took the suicidal thoughts seriously. We already had an agreement in place that if I were ever to attempt suicide I was to call her first. Last night she upped the ante and said not only do I have to call her first, but we have to meet. I begrudgingly agreed. I was like, you're changing the rules! You didn't say that before! She didn't back down. She said, "I'm saying it now." She also said she would really be impacted (or something like that) if I were to die by suicide. It made me feel close to her. It's the first time I have actually felt cared for by her. I can still feel some of that caring today. And the email I sent to the controller at work telling her of my depression and lack of focus as to why I missed a couple of details lately, she took it really well and told me I am doing a good job and that we can work on fixing a few things together and that she would never judge me for that. It made me feel accepted. No one else at work knows about my depression (except my former boss knows but she retired). I don't feel safe telling any of them, but I felt safe telling the controller. Maybe because she is in NY and I could tell her via email?! Plus I don't have to see her every day and have to answer questions like are you okay? So I am glad I shared that with her. And I am glad I was open with my T and told her how severe the thoughts were. I didn't sugar coat it or minimize it. I was pretty blunt. But I felt like she really stepped up to the plate. Plus I see her next week, so it's not so long between appointments. I'm hoping we can get some more accomplished like last night. And get that trust built up between us. I also found out that if the agency closes at the end of the year, she is going to move to another agency that has two offices locally and she can continue to see me (I assume they take my insurance, I have pretty good insurance for an HMO). So at least I don't feel like at the end of the year, I'm just messed over. I feel a little more hopeful today than I have been. My anxiety is through the roof, but I took some anti-anxiety medication and it has calmed down significantly. I know the anxiety is all work related. Because I didn't feel it until I got to work. I'm hoping I can just relax at work today and not be putting out fires. But we'll see. Thanks for reading this long post anyone who did. HUGS Kit

That's great, Kit. I'm glad your T took you seriously. Hope you don't have to put out fires today. HUGS

I'm glad that she took you seriously and you can follow her when she leaves., but also that the NY controller was so understanding.

Would you consider going up to twice a week when you're really struggling?

Thanks @Lemoncake
I would consider going twice a week if she had room in her schedule for it. I'd have to call and just find out. She has said before if I was truly in crisis she would make time even if it meant a 9:30 PM appointment. I appreciated that. I guess I don't know what "truly in crisis" means. But I think I've been there recently.

@SlumberKitty

You're probably right, Lost. I called my PDOC instead of my T. I thought he would be more of a help (and I've known him longer). Maybe next time (because let's be real there probably will be a next time) I'll call both. It's hard to know when one is in a crisis that one is in a crisis. I get so focused on just surviving that I can't see the crisis that I'm in. One thing that has been really helpful about PC is that other people will step in and say, I'm concerned, or that sounds like a crisis and then it helps me. I'm also trying to build up my IRL support so I have people I can physically call and be like, I'm not okay.

I just had a T session and we decided to go to once a month instead of every two weeks. I would have been a mess over this six months ago but now it seems like a good thing, like I'm making progress.

I told T today a little bit about the Si thoughts I've been having this week. .
He said it's concerning that I'm having these thoughts and doing what I did. I told him I'm seeing the pdoc today. I'm waiting there now to be seen. Not sure how it's going to go.

So I had my meeting with problem student today to go over his notes. Went fine. He’s smart and even funny. I kind of like him. He’s been hugely better in class too.

So now I’m wondering if I got it all wrong, but then I remember the other professor, the finger snapping, and some odd details (like he earlier told he had ADHD—today he said it was OCD).

As long as he continues to behave. Boundaries baby boundaries.

I don't know the whole story behind this but the thing about OCD or ADHD raises a red flag for me. Seems unlikely to me that someone would mix up their diagnosis like that, unless they were lying about it and can't remember which one they said before. I'd want documentation.

I used to teach and a lot of kids are awfully charming when they're trying to get one over on you.

Is it possible he has both ADHD and OCD?

I am completely drained after today's session. I needed a hug and I have the desire to email him already and it's not even been an hour since I left.

I got the next round of divorce documents while I was in session, including the letter addressed to my husband. This feels gut-wrenching. I want to send that letter to P, but I guess there's no real reason to do that other than I want some comfort.

The diagnosis of a student wouldn't matter to me. My job is to teach the class and their job is to figure out how to negotiate their situation with the help of the accommodations office. I have to let them have whatever the law says they get -but other than that - I believe a large part is them figuring out what they have to do to get the job done - not me figuring out their particular diagnosis. I rarely even know what my students are diagnosed with and I really don't want them telling me even though some do tell me anyway.

I just got an email telling me I am so incredibly loved. I needed that. I'm almost crying now though. My eyes are all watery. I got a lot done at work today and I feel glad of that. I don't feel like I was running around trying to put out fires. A little bit, but not like yesterday. I'm still tired though from the Xanax I took this morning. I feel like I need to lay down. Hopefully I can just eat dinner and then go to bed. I'm exhausted. Also I just want to do something soothing like lay under my blankets and squeeze a stuffed animal. Sounds lame I know. I just want to feel comforted.

This was my thought too. As I recall from going through autism evals with my daughter, trying to draw clear lines around behavioral diagnoses is like trying to herd cats.

I feel like I'm going to like this new pdoc that took over the other one I saw for one time. I saw him individually today and he seemed pretty chill. He did seem pretty concerned about the SI I told him about. He asked if I'd be okay to leave, if I thought the hospital would admit me if he sent me there, how I'd feel if he sent me for an assessment, etc. It felt more like a discussion rather than him deciding everything.

That’s actually part of the problem—he won’t register with the university disability center, which would get the documentation.

It’s absolutely possible. The only thing that raised my antennae was that he took an example of one of the forbidden classroom behaviors towards others (rolling eyes) on the syllabus and said if I saw him doing that it was because of his OCD. It was a combination of tying the behavior so closely to the syllabus and the fact that I would have thought rolling eyes involuntarily was also a symptom of ADHD.

Why would rolling eyes at other people be a symptom of ADHD? I find that confusing. I guess maybe if he has some compulsion to roll his eyes it could be a symptom of OCD, but I suspect that would mean he'd be doing a whole lot more of it than it sounds like he does.

I'd be worried about him having a laugh with this, to be honest. If I didn't find some of his other behavior disgusting, it might even amuse me to think of a student convincing a professor that his eye rolls were pathological in nature - especially if the professor forbade the behavior in the syllabus. If he hates you, this could be a great way from his perspective to stick it to you... to make you look like a dummy.

I don’t get why the kid just won’t register with the disability office. I wish there could be a way to make that a requirement to be able to finish the class.

Possible, and I can see why that would appeal, but he's not really sticking it to me (though he's welcome to think so)--he's not getting anything special from coming to my office hours. And so long as he shuts up in class and stops acting out so I can teach effectively, I'll be happy.

I can trigger the request to expel him at any time if he crosses the line again, and I will.

On ADHD, OCD, and eye movement: Tic Disorders & ADHD: Facts, Diagnosis, Treatment & More

So long as he's not rolling his eyes sarcastically at someone in my judgment, it should be OK. He's still responsible for controlling his behaviors in the university's eyes.

You really have to put stuff like that in the syllabus? I was last in college 12 years ago. Have things changed that much?

The anxiety I had over a potential message on my patient portal turned out to be an appointment reminder message. *bangs head*

I'm at my daughter's dance class and I feel so put of place here. I'm not upper class, I'm not preppy, I'm not talking about my business. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.