Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

At this point, we have a trauma bond more than a therapeutic alliance. Thank you for at least admitting you did tell lies, rather than continuing to privilege your reality over mine. I am sad, but that is better than wondering if I am going crazy. At this point, I’m not sure which one of us is the more damaged human, yet there’s such a strong connection. Therapy with you is both beautiful and ugly in a tangle. We’re tangled.

I hope you get concerned when I tell you how bad my sleep problems were this week.

Dear T,
I had a dream last night where you were my teacher (a recurring dream theme), and we were on a field trip driving in a car. You were in the front passenger seat, and I was in the back. I was reaching my hand a bit forward, and you reached back and, without looking at me, you grabbed onto it, holding my hand for a few minutes. It felt nice and comforting.
Love,
LT

T: Today wasn't good. I feel like a giant slob and just so gross. I am NOT looking forward to next week.

I'm glad I'm seeing you tomorrow but it really sucks that it's only 1 day this week. I know we'll talk on Wednesday, but it's different than face to face.
P.s.

Please reply to my email on your next working day... Please put in some care and effort and not just write one short sentence...

I would like to know what your email boundaries are, so I would know when you'd respond to an email and when you won't. I'm trying to adjust to email instead of the phone calls when we were at the hospital. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Dear T,
Thanks for being there as I totally lost my **** about the holidays in your office. I think I needed to get all that out--I feel simultaneously exhausted and lighter now. And thanks for seeming interested in looking at the photo of my grandmother and me. I need to find an older one where she looks like her vibrant self. And thanks for the SNL reference, too--made me feel connected. And glad I'll see you Wednesday, too.

Love you,
LT

Dear T,
Also, I suspect that you might do some cooking, as you commented how Russett is a baking potato but knew that Yukon Gold and Red are boiling potatoes. Sigh...
Love,
LT

This makes me feel so much better about posting here, thank you

T,

I don't know how I'm going to make it through this week without doing anything stupid. I hate this week so much already but you know that.

I think this might work out well. You ask the right questions, even if i can't manage to answer them yet. I have a feeling this week will trial how well we can work together.

Dear Regular T: but I know you won't take it seriously. And true, I'm not going to do anything except maybe SH but I still want you to take me seriously. Don't brush it off like it's nothing. It's painful. Thanks. Kit

ExT i want you to feel as discombobulated as i do.

This constant need to go to the bathroom these past few days is ridiculous. I am not even drinking that much. Sometimes I wish I was a guy so I could just go in a vase or something at night instead of getting up 3-4 times. I think that might be part of my sleep issue. Is it the bath bombs I’ve been using or what?

Last time you felt this way, didn't your T handle it better and took you more seriously? Either way, I hope your T doesn't brush it off.

I'm not looking forward to the first session with you, new T. I wish I didn't need therapy anymore but I know I've been getting worse without it.

Well, that was shite.

To paraphrase comrademoomoo, I just want you to email me and say nice stuff. But of course I won’t ask, and you probably wouldn’t respond anyway. This whole thing is pretty ridiculous.

I want to stop therapy. I won't do it right now, but I hope today we can set some goals to stop needing it.

I just feel so sad. When I think of our session tomorrow I dont want to do it.

Feel like ****. Our session really was not helpful today. You have a way of making me even more anxious and stressed out whenever we talk about how school is going. And I'm sorry, but those suggestions you made were so dumb I don't even know how to explain it to you. Felt like you weren't listening.

My sister just kind of hurt my feelings. I feel like I always try to be there and sympathetic when she's anxious about something. Now it's my turn and she's taken a hard line and essentially told me to shut up about it. It's really hurtful. I don't understand why she's acting like I'm doing something wrong by expressing my anxiety about this thing to her.

T: I don't really know why I feel so unsatisfied with the session tonight. I think I am just not looking forward to tomorrow's test/potential results, and dreading the upcoming holiday. I can't help but feel like a failure when you asked me to think how I can "stretch" myself in therapy going forward. I know you said there is no failure in therapy, it certainly feels like it. I feel like I was just a negative Nancy tonight and you were all like "Its holiday time!!!"

Could you feel it too?

We had a really good session yesterday, but it feels like it was too much.

Epi exam 11 days
infectious 20 something.

Dear T,
Thanks for the stone. Despite my awkwardness in asking for it. I wanted to say something about being thankful for you, but that seemed too cheesy, so... But I am thankful for you. Even though you can be a d*** sometimes. (I should write Hallmark cards!)
Love you,
LT

Dear T,

I think I'm starting to need emotional support from you again.

F***.

-c