Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Omg holy sht what is that noise

Well I went for the friday date, now I'm thinking If I've bitten off more than I can chew.

I am not drinking tonight! For the first time in a long time, I will not be hungover in the session tomorrow. I wonder if you are any more tolerable to me when I am sober.

You are seriously so hurtful. I feel like texting you I won't be talking to you anymore, but that seems like an empty threat.

I can't tell if I'm being crazy or not. I can't tell if you're in the wrong. I can't tell if it's reasonable to feel hurt.

I regret putting my trust in you and sharing the things I have shared in the past few months - but not because your response to those things was hurtful. I feel regret because I let your responses mislead me. I took what you said at face value. But when you talk to C, it's clear what you actually think of me. And it hurts my feelings that you encourage her to come and put the option of her coming for what is supposed to be my time. That is really hurtful. You don't speak to me that way about her or taking her time. I feel like I invested some of my precious trust in you and you don't even value it. I let you make me think I mattered enough to have session time to talk. Now it turns out you don't really believe that and I can just be shoved aside as needed. You are just like C. I am not a real person to you.

Wishing that you would say that I’m not repulsive (after I’ve shared something gross and reasonably traumatic with you) does not mean that I have erotic transference for you, you strange strange man. *Shudder*

I hope I can stick to what I said. Makes me sad that I won't have you to talk to anymore, but you've only been around for a short amount of time. I survived before and I'll survive again. You aren't a bad therapist. If I was a "real" person, this wouldn't be necessary.

Wish I hadn't let you in. It's hard to now choose to shut you out. I don't want to be alone. But I don't want to get hurt, either.

I maybe missed you a little tonight. I know your H was literally on his death bed, and that made your schedule all wack a doo, but I hope we can get back to regular sessions in the near future. I will never tell you this, of course.

Dear T

I miss you, I hope things are still the same

How could you? To me? What the heck, T? I thought... I really thought...

I don't know what to do here, do I pull away from you when I probably 'need' more cuz you seem so uninterested/unhelpful OR schedule a couple 'more' appts and hope you step up to the plate & realize what's going on ..........
maybe even finally see that MAYBE I 'need' you and your help

The doctor I like added extra exam dates with him after talking to us and I'd honestly like to do it with him instead of the other doctor on friday so my exam is now on tuesday.

We got to see another young patient today. He led and was kind and comforting with her and I just realized I don't get that with you. We could tell at first she wasn't comfortable so he even made jokes about us first.

Dear T,
Thanks for the insightful reply. Of course this part of me wanted you to be like, "Of course you're a good mom!" But what would that really accomplish? Your mention of my strengths suggests that obviously you think there are some (and we've discussed that in session, too, plus how D is very challenging to raise). Empathy and caring came across in your reply, and that's what I needed. And I appreciated the smiley
Love,
LT

Dear Therapist,

You don't know me yet, but I have so much to tell you with a lot of tears. I hope you can help

Dear t, i am glad to see you tomorrow, however i am so anxious. I feel like you are going to terminate me because of what my ex t has put in my file of being too dependant on therapy ect. I hope thats not true. Also i have other things i need to get off my chest. I hope you can help me

Write you again, don't write you again? Why do I keep playing this game with myself? I don't think there's any way to win.

That was a proper hug. Really proper. I felt your love. Love you.

Oh and you looked so boyish and sweet at the start of the session when you were telling me you have a bit of a cold. I really wanted to take care of you. Of course I don't need to, but I was glad I told you I felt the urge to.

Are you going to write me back? I’m a wreck...

Dear T: Please don't make me pick a new NO SH date. I'm not ready. I know I should but I just can't right now and I can't explain why. Kit

Ugh, T. My mood, depression-wise has been stable for a few months now, and it is correlated with my eating habits. I am starting to feel really gross and yucky and fat bc I am less depressed and therefore eat more.

Well, I won't be seeing you tomorrow. Feels kind of strange, but I'll get used to it.

I don't need you.

Frankly, I'm feeling depleted. Today's cancellation, though unavoidable, did not help.

You never understood it and if I were still coming you probably still wouldn’t understand it. The problem is that I don’t think anyone really gets it. I can’t explain it and even if I could explain it there isn’t a space for me to explain it.

I feel like it just doesn’t matter to anyone. You would tell me it matters to you but being a good actor is what gets you all that money per hour.

Dear T,

I feel lost and wish I know how to ask you for help. It's like there is this huge emptiness inside of me now and I don't know how to explain it or deal with it. Ugh. Maybe I can find the words before I see you again....