Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Thursday afternoon feels like a long way away, but I don't feel able to email.

Dear future T,

I hope you are out there somewhere. I'm struggling not having a T. I see my doctor later this week so then I can officially get a referral to find you. I hope you don't think I'm a lost cause. A lot of the times I feel like one.

-Butterfly

T: LONG day. One more to go before the work week, which is long in its own right. I hate me.

Please drive safe. I pray you are one of those people who decided to drive home a day early to avoid the storm. My holiday has been fully of anxiety attacks for various reasons. Now I am worried about your safety. I wish I could just reach out and say I hope you are safe. Then you could say you are home and I don't need to worry. Sigh.. I hate that I worry about your safety so much.

T, I'm ill. Please come look after me. Bring blankets and tea.

Dear T,
Cleaning out my inbox and reread our email exchange from early September. That was a mistake. Trying to focus on our relationship the past 2.5 months rather than that.
Love,
LT

T, I'm trying so hard but it's not working and I'm scared.

I'm feeling a bit stronger lately and that should be a positive thing so why do I feel as though I'm losing you?

I dont know why I've been fearing that you're going to come back from your break and say you're done. Maybe because that's what has happened in the past to me with a therapist, but I hate it. I have enough to worry about.

Dear Info,

(You know, you’re more useful on this forum where you have no idea what I’m saying than you are IRL.)

I have had 2ex on the brain for a week or so. Right now I’m fixating on how he called me evil for breaking up with him.

I don’t believe that, just like I don’t believe the other narcissist in my life who called me very very sick. But there’s a little niggle at the back of my mind: maybe I am evil.

I guess if that’s the case I should get on with my plans for world conquest.

ATAT

T2,

Read back on texts from a year ago with ex.
No wonder I hate this time of year even more now. He was (and probably still is) such a disaster. As soon as I called him out on his behavior, he turned everything around on me, over and over again. So it couldn't possibly be him; it must be me.
I think I just wanted so badly to "fix" it and make it like it was before, before it all went to complete and total ****.
And then some days I feel like I should have done more, tried harder somehow. I don't even really know what that means. But I feel like I failed him (and myself) completely. (Which makes no sense.)

T:


I feel like I should cancel session on Tuesday. no one wants to hear my stupid, depressed thoughts.

You Judas!

All this schoolwork is a vast conspiracy against me...

T, I'm feeling worse and worse and there's nothing you can do, is there?

I sent 3 emails this week but admit it you were expecting my I want my session back message.

See you tomorrow.

Where are you, really?

T: i still have the urge to cancel tomorrow’s session, but i won’t. I probably need to tell you i was thinking about it though. i hate difficult conversations.

Velcro, I am totally impressed at how brave you have gotten with your T. That's so awesome to see, even though I know it's probably hard.

Never been so thankful to receive an appointment reminder as I was today. Knowing you made it home safely and will definitely be in tomorrow afternoon has helped me feel better.

aw thanks!

Dear T,
Felt really connected in today’s session. I don’t know what changed since summer—maybe I had to leave? Maybe we both re-evaluated? I just want it to stay this way—it gives me hope that healing and progress can really happen through my work with you.
Love,
LT

I'm glad you're popular and have a lot of clients, but I'm sad I can't see you earlier.
I'm in hell

I love you so much I can't stand it

Nervous for tonight, T. I just feel like an empty, nothing shell, and nothing can be done about it. If you want to give up, I’d understand.