Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Oh gosh. I’m feeling a huge level of guilt right now for being outwardly unappreciative when you show me compassion. I never know how to respond, I barely even say thank you even when it’s things you’re not paid to do/ obligated to do, like talking to me on the phone when distressed, always answering my messages, when I was suicidal - offering to see me on a weekend (only once, if you could fit it in, but I won’t forget the kind gesture even though it didn’t happen - I may have said it was okay?). I’m finding it difficult understanding why I’ve been behaving like this - it’a usually in my nature to be transparent about feelings of gratitude and really conveying my appreciation. I think it’s because from you it feels sincere, and I don’t feel deserving. If I acknowledge it, I’m almost accepting I deserve it. Regardless of my feelings, I don’t want you to think it doesn’t mean the absolute world to me that you are consistently stable, compassionate, honest and patient. So whilst I’ll probably not express this to you, I want to say thank you. Really and truly. Mostly for always delivering what you can within your means - never too much, never anything you wouldn’t do for others, and never at the sacrifice of your own life. Whilst it does irritate me in the moment when you rarely have slots open in the week when I’m having a particularly bad week, I quite like that you’re not hyper-responsive to my needs and do have faith I’ll make it through the week. You once said it’s wonderful that I’m choosing to live. And whilst I didn’t really believe it, or digest those words - I do want to try. Try to live. Try to find meaning. I hope next year I’m able to leave my abusive (family) relationship and start afresh. I may not be left with any family, but I have friends and you - good people exist. Basically - thank you.

I really wish I could talk to you this weekend, and especially for longer than 15 minutes. I really do appreciate you calling every day during the week to check in on the phone, but it hasn't felt like enough.

T, this is not helping. Talking is not helping. The medication is not helping. I don't think I can hold on like this much longer...

I can feel the longing for you in my stomach. I don't know whether to congratulate of commiserate myself.

Feeling the weight of the 15th of January, already.

I still feel like a useless worthless person, an idiot, stupid, inarticulate, a failure. I know you don't see me like that but you think I'm a lot better a person than I actually am.

Hey T,

I'm actually scared because you're going away, even though this will only be for 17 days.

And I did see your new facebook photos of you and your daughter. Oh boy did those get me .I wasn't jealous just felt pangs of hurt.

I’m sorry

My head is broken and it hurts! Nobody cares about me! This is the second day I've spent in bed! I hate you and it's all your fault!

It’s taken me forever to feel any consistent sort of trust or calm with you. But last week I got something from you. I felt it then and I still feel it. I really hope it lasts.

I have come to see that hiring a therapist was probably the biggest mistake I ever made = scammed and tricked and mocked and humiliated and gaslighted by you.

You're the worst, you know that? It's probably good that I have a few weeks off. Who knows, maybe I'll come to my senses and not come back.

You're most helpful as someone I can blame in my head whenever something goes wrong or when I feel bad.

Right now, I'm blaming you for the fact that I'm a slattern and also that I am cold and have a headache. You are to blame for all of these things.

And you don't have an ounce of remorse for what you've done, do you?

I can't register yet but my retake epidemiology exam will be on the 7th of Jan.

The same day you come back.

I just feel like that adds extra pressure.

On a skype call to my mother she was actually swearing at my father. Remind me again why I'm even going back?

Dear T,
Thanks for saying I don’t need to feel guilty for being sad/stressed that I won’t see you between Friday and the day after Christmas. It helps that you seem to understand. You seem to get it so much more now...plus a main source of my support (besides you!) being away lately. Glad you’ll be there the whole week of New Years.
Love,
LT

I don't know why you seem so cold and distant now. I wish I could do something to make it better, but everything I try seems to make it worse.

Dear T,
And now I'm all needy. Sorry.
Love,
LT

T2,

You didn't need to check on me.
I just don't want to talk to you.
(Also, I am tired of this ****.)

I still don't really know what to tell you.

T: I have a feeling tomorrow is our last session until after the new year. it sucks since I'm dreading Christmas, and we've had some rough sessions as of late.

T, I assume you’re angry at me now. Great.

Wish I could talk to you about what I found out today about my niece. You were with me during the journey with her and the pain. Now I feel she is possibly repeating the same mistakes. How do I protect her and her family?

Emdr T knows. nothing about what happened and what we went through back then. How will she understand? Plus after tomorrow she will be gone for 2 full weeks. WTF.

T,
Please be gentle with me I've had a rough couple of weeks.

Dear T,
I'll likely actually tell you this next session, but I was thinking about how in a recent session, you said it was like I was treading water. I was thinking tonight how I still feel like that, but sessions are like a boat or life preserver I can hang onto to give myself a rest for a bit. Maybe a boat to climb into is a better comparison. And it's not just treading water, but treading water with a smile on my face, like, "Everything's fine, sure, I've got this!" while inside I'm exhausted and fearing I'm going to drown. In your office, I can just...be.
Love,
LT

3 weeks, God. Breaks that long should be illegal.
You listened to me today. I didn’t register a response, if there was one? I’m glad we didn’t actually do much more than that. I didn’t wish you a happy Christmas. Sorry. I hope the break is restful. I keep feeling like I’ll never see you again.