Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Now I feel worse.

Dear T,
Thanks for today’s extra session. Some of the things you said—like it being your responsibility to help me with the drinking, how it’s something we’re going through together—meant a lot. And I appreciate what you clarified at the end, too. I think it was productive, both in terms of how to work on my drinking and regarding the therapeutic relationship in general.
Love,
LT

How strange those reviews have disappeared. A few more bad ones , maybe ? No one likes the truth.

Oh my gosh. Why do I want to talk to you right now? I just want to sit in your swivel-y chair and swivel back and forth and just talk to you about how much I hurt right now.

Dear former T. Okay, I know you have NO obligation to email me, but would you please email me back. Please please please.

You seemed taken aback that I don't think you are nice all the time. Seemed like you had some black and white thinking going on there too when you asked me what you've said that was mean. Just because someone's not being nice doesn't mean they are being mean. Like I told you, I don't see niceness as the default state.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, though. I don't see it as a criticism that niceness isn't the first thing I think of when I think of you. I think niceness is overrated, anyway.

Also, I don't know why I almost started crying at that one thing. I felt stupid and weirdly sentimental or something. I hadn't known I felt like that and it was upsetting.

Also I can't believe you won't see me the first day you come back to work after your Christmas vacation. I should get first dibs on all appointment times because I'm selfish and idgaf about other clients.

Thank you for several things you said. Just thank you. I feel a tiny kernel of relief. As much relief as I can given the situation. That means everything to me.

Did you know I didn’t want our session to end today? It has been the only thing keeping me going.

How can you be so kind and compassionate with me? I'm nothing...not worthy of your help. You understand me so well. I wish I could have a hug.

Thank you for inviting me to reach out. I have scheduled an email for Tuesday morning.

I don’t want to share anything with you. Speaking grounds it in reality.

When I tell you about finalizing my last will and you don’t ask questions or ever follow up, that hurts. When you snapped at me when I reacted to your negative countertransference, then you lied about it, it was like a repeat of my childhood trauma. When I admitted I’ve started restricting food intake and losing weight quickly for the first time in my life as a slow, torturous form of self harm/sui because I feel I need to be punished for triggering you, and you responded by saying you weren’t gonna try to stop me, it makes me feel like you don’t care if I die. When a supposed trauma expert is getting paid to treat me like this, it solidifies my feelings of worthlessness. When all logic suggests I should leave the relationship and other professionals suggest the same, but I can’t because of traumatic attachment and because you had a big negative reaction when I was hesitant to come to a session once because of this stuff, I feel trapped. When you say you’ll respond to my email on a specifically agreed upon day but don’t, I wishfully check my email all day in anticipation, then cry myself to sleep at midnight, alone and empty-handed. I feel like this is how disorganized attachments and personality disorders are made. I wish you sought supervision, and I wish you’d tell them the truth so they could help both you and us.

@HowDoYouFeelMeow?

I read this quote from another poster, "no therapy is better than bad therapy."

Your T should not be snapping at you.
You're not responsible for managing your T's feelings and don't deserve to be punished.

I hope you can stay safe.

I’m guessing your telling me to stockpile on chocolate while I’m dealing with PMS because you do it yourself? I’m going to take your advice though when I go to the store tomorrow.

Love you

I went to your old office again today. It felt different. The sense of familiarity is gone. I don't know how I feel about this.

Sometimes I want to leave therapy just to make your life easier and less stressful.... this is probably something I should talk to you about first though, right?

I didn't want to get into counting down the days digitally again, but mentally it's a different matter. Four more sleeps 'til Thursday.

Today was better.

I hate only coming once a week, I hate you, I hate that I can't stop biting my nails, I hate that I have two more weeks at work before I break for Christmas, I hate that I won't see you for two weeks over Christmas, I REALLY hate that I won't see you for two weeks over Christmas, I hate your stupid partner, I hate that stupid teapot that you used in our last session , I hate your stupid cat because it sits on your stupid knee, I hate that I am stupid, I hate that you never let the session run over (how else am I supposed to believe that you really care?!), I hate that you are a drinker and I can tell when you are hungover, I hate that I missed that deadline, etc and forever.

I feel so scared.

My sleep has been all over the place again. Friday I didn’t get to sleep until 2:30AM. Sunday morning my sleep was interrupted. Today I took a 2 hour nap. I can guess what the cause is though.

How do I decide not to come back?

Honestly, I don't think my best right now is good enough.