Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Yeah he had one right after his 2nd bday. He vomited, lost consciousness and needed CPR. This wasn’t here, but now anytime he gets a fever of any kind, he’s at risk and i am TERRIFIED of him seizing and needing CPR.

So i am watching him sleep, like a creeper. ha.

Oh wow, that's really scary! My D wasn't at that level of needing CPR, thankfully. And her fever was pretty high when it hit. Can you give ibuprofen or tylenol? (not sure of rules there.)

Yeah we gave him tylenol and it went down-though apparently it does nothing in preventing a seizure, so it doesn’t make me feel much better. What makes it worse was that it was around 99 when it happened. it did spike to 103 in the ambulance though.

Oh wow, that's really low for it to happen. And didn't realize Tylenol didn't affect that.

Mom happened to pick up early. Phew.

After we talked on the phone yesterday I felt somewhat better. You were very comfortingly and made me feel better. You did use the term SA instead of abuse again. So yes I will bring it up again. Last time you were trying to expose me to it so it so it doesn't hurt me. I am just not ready for it.

Then you said you have no doubt that if I were suddenly in a situation where somebody tried to take advantage of me I would be able to stand up for myself. I wish I had that same confidence in myself. Then some of my childhood memories resurfaced today. UGH!!!!

I’m sorry I didn’t eat for 20 hours again. And I’m sorry in advance because it will probably happen tomorrow too. I personally don’t see the problem you are seeing though.

Watching a TV show that brought up a Big T Trauma memory that I usually don't remember with any particular emotion. So I suppose I have to talk about it. Ugh. Not sure I can feel it or even really remember it on command.

Sunday is close, and my words are disappearing. I didn't talk about getting out of it, because it's work, and I can't. Work saves me from myself at the moment, as you know.

Dear T,
You're still OK about what I said, right? I will do my best not to send you an email asking that over the weekend...or Monday, when you're off.
Love,
LT

I may be losing it.

i wrote down how i would like our romantic relationship to be
and thinking of you being really sweet to me made me cry so much
i feel better now though
ah i know that it would be a bad idea if these things were real
but i want to hold onto the fantasies, i feel less alone this way
that also makes me cry

i wonder if you think about me sometimes, and what you think
definitely not as much as i think of you
and maybe more negative or neutral thoughts
perhaps you are the kind of person who can more easily let go of someone
and i am probably overestimating how much you felt for me
that also makes me cry, almost

i know it is all unreal and in reality would not be as in my fantasy
i would be different you would be different
i hope you still stay in my dreams for a while before i have to let you go
that makes me cry very much

Please don't cancel Tuesday. You've cancelled so much over the past few months that each week makes me nervous. I get it, but it still sucks.

I see you, Velcro. That sounds really tough.

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Hi R,

It's the morning of the event. Feeling kind of weird right now, funny stomach and such.

I probably will email you later.

Thanks,

Lost

I love you t. And dont ever want to stop seeing you.

You both make coping with anxiety seem so easy. I am sure you know it isn't. I have tried the deep breathing, relaxing with coffee, napping, keeping busy, talking to my husband...I even resorted to taking anxiety meds which you both know I hate. I have friends coming over for a Thanksgiving dinner which I normally love to entertain. Unfortunately I dont even want to do that.

I don't have words.

See you in 1 day, 21 hours and 28 mins I guess.

Sometimes I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

I'm arguing with people on reddit again. Apparently I can't help myself.

T, sometimes I'd like you to be more proactive. Sometimes I think you are scared. Sometimes I think you think you don't know what you're doing. Sometimes I know you don't know what's going on in front of you. If I were you I wouldn't know what the heck was going on inside me, either.
But, I'd like you to take more risks. You actually do know what you are doing. And even if sometimes you really don't know what the right thing to do is, I would like you to take a risk. If it's wrong I will tell you. It's okay to be wrong.
What you do is good enough.
But, if you took more risks, what you do could be even better.
Thanks,
me.

Dear T,
Thanks for the reassurance. I tried to avoid asking for it, but I made it over 2 days, so that's something, right? I'm sure I'll still be a little nervous when I see you tomorrow, but your reply helped.

Love,
LT

Three more sleeps.

Just that.

I've been really ill for the past two days.

I did think of asking if you could see me sooner, but I didn't.

Biochem exam this Thursday because they went with the majority.

I see you tomorrow. I have such a sick feeling inside, I'm so, so nervous. Just last week I thought our next session would never come, and now I need more time. I'm not ready to have this discussion. It could go one of a million different ways. I need to stop playing through every scenario in my head I just hope I don't shut down

I have to talk to my T because I called her today as a kinda emergency type call. I was seeing my Pdoc an hour later but I trust her and I don’t really trust him. When I walked into my Pdocs office the first thing he said was “so T just called me.” Um, I know I gave her permission to talk to him but does she have to tell him everything? And on my way out he told me that he will keep getting updates from my T. Ok whatever. I guess now I have to specify stuff I don’t want him to know.

You have me really worried about you. I’m afraid your constant high stress and inability to stop working or stop adding new work is going to lead to a heart attack. I can sense very strongly how much you’re hurting, and it hurts me too because I care about you. Your behavior towards me lately has been erratic, reactive, hurtful, sometimes lacking integrity, and overall inappropriate for a T. Sometimes it feels like you gaslight me a bit to protect your ego. That really hurts, too, and negativity impacts my will to live. It’s like reliving my childhood in a way with the added fear of your health. I tried to talk to you about it but you got really defensive. I wish I could help you even though it’s not my job, but no matter how calm, positive, and understanding I try to be, it still seems like you hate me. I don’t know what to do, but it feels awful to watch you self destruct without intervening in some way. And I know you wouldn’t be acting this way towards me if you weren’t hurting so bad yourself. I’m really sorry you don’t feel well and that I trigger your bad feelings. Please hang in there.