Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

How do I tell you I'm feeling without coming off as manipulative? I guess I can't, so I won't tell you.

HUGS @NP_Complete Kit

I don’t think it’s ever manipulative to tell your therapist you’re feeling suicidal. In my opinion, manipulation would be saying something like “I’m suicidal, and if you don’t do x I’m going to do y”—so making your behaviors/choices dependent on theirs. Simply sharing how you feel is not wrong and is nothing to feel guilty for. That is what therapists are there for. I’m sorry you’re feeling so low at the moment.

He's going to be gone next week and telling him before he leaves feels like a terrible time to bring it up. Also, we're in the mid-repair phase of a rupture that's been going on for two weeks now and me telling him that this rupture is making me feel this way feels really wrong. I feel like if I tell him, I must be doing it to be manipulative (get more attention I guess), so if I don't tell him, then I'm not being manipulative. I'm so messed up lately I don't even know what my own motivations are for anything I do.

Dear T,

I hate that you are so busy lately. I miss the days when I could call and get a same day appointment. I’m struggling but I will try not to spiral too far before my next appointment.

I'm feeling so sad. I know that you, and others, believe I'm worthy and good at certain things, but I don't feel that in my heart. To me, I'm still that clumsy stupid idiot and can't see myself any other way. I get frustrated sometimes that you don't see me that way. It's like you're seeing the false act I put on and the real me - the ugly, horrible core - is hidden from you. I want you to see it so you'll understand why I feel the way I do about myself. So you'll get it.

Dear T,
Thank you for today's session. I wasn't expecting D and my own struggles with just sort of managing lately to be the main topic, but they were. I appreciated how you were saying at the end how "we need to figure out a solution to this" and "we need to figure something out." It made it feel like you were in the trenches with me. And made me feel cared for, even loved. And you seemed totally normal to me (well. as normal as you can be!), despite what I said Friday, joking around a bit near the beginning, so that was a relief, too.
Love,
LT

As always just as things were improving and I was getting on top of stuff, the universe sees fit to shaft me. The stuff back home is getting more difficult and frustrating, and my little one is sick again. No sleep, no rest, I can't get out to the shops or crack on with work. I wish I could be sat on your knee having a cuddle again, even if just for some quick respite. I hope you are ok, I still worry about you (on top of everything else). Still missing you T x

Dear No. 3,

So I googled you. I usually get this impulse when info is being less than helpful.

And what do I find but your daughter’s video of a day in her life as a college freshman? And she’s taking Greek? Sheesh.

ATAT

Please come through for me...

Dear T,
Also, maybe you can help give me the strength to delete some of the ex-MC things? Because you're right, particularly with the painful texts and emails, why am I holding onto them? Even the voice mail that was so caring...it doesn't mean the same thing anymore. Maybe I just need to release it...
Love,
LT

T: I didn't say it, but thanks for wiling to sign up for my insurance panel for next year. You say its not a big deal, but you definitely did not have to do that.

Oh T. So now we are in the middle of a rupture again. Ugh.

Lately, you have not been listening to me.

Dear T,
I feel sort of awkward that you haven't replied to my emailed scheduling request that I sent yesterday afternoon, since you typically reply in the mornings before 9. I'm sure it's nothing and you're just busy, plus I'm sure it doesn't seem urgent. But I want to know when session will be so I can schedule D's parent-teacher conference (of course I didn't think to mention that in the email).

Love,
LT

See you tomorrow. The aftermath of Sunday is something we're going to have to discuss.

Dear T,
Hope you aren’t dead.
Love, LT

Dear T,
OK good, you're alive. Glad you realized in your response that your delay in responding might have caused me stress, because it did (particularly because it was a fairly straightforward scheduling email). Though I guess you didn't look at your schedule because I'm already on there for Wednesday and I'm seeing you Friday, not tomorrow. I guess I feel sort of forgotten, which is silly. Because you were really present for me yesterday, so what more could I want? I think it didn't help that P was like 25 minutes late getting us, then canceled next week...then confirmed that D was on spectrum. So maybe I'm partly annoyed at you/feeling forgotten by proxy since your office is next to hers. Still, glad you're not dead!
Love,
LT

I'm not happy that you are going to be unavailable for longer than usual for Christmas this year. I'm a tiny bit irrationally angry, but mostly just unhappy that you won't be available. I'm also worried that this is a harbinger of you taking more vacation generally. Last year you didn't even take all of Christmas week off. I don't think you did the year before that, either. So I felt rather shocked and blind-sided when you said you'd be taking several weeks off instead of 2-3 days. Although - at least you told me ahead of time. Sometimes you forget to tell me.

I can't even stay back home and visit with family the whole time. You know I have the stray cat which you refused to adopt to consider.

Happy birthday. I miss you.

I never did find another therapist.

But there's someone I'm going to ask soon. It could work out as long as we don't have a conflict of interest.

I know I barely make eye contact in the 45 minutes I see you but when I look at you why are you staring at me and then why do you do that weird thing with your mouth where it looks like your trying to smile?

T: I was really angry today. I haven't been that ragey in quite awhile, which led to going to the liquor store. It also was a crazy day at work, which didn't help, nor the issues with D from yesterday.

I still haven't absorbed our session from yesterday. I think the feelings went away. Bye Tornado!

T,

I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, including therapy right now. I wish I didn't depend on therapy so much and it didn't affect me when you go on breaks.

Dear T,

You were right, all that time ago. You could see what I couldn't quite. But so was I. I could see what you couldn't.

How about that? I am right back to holding two seemingly disparate ideas side-by-side, knowing them both to be true. It seems to be the nature of my being, living in the grey areas.

T please please reply to my email and let me know you are okay. I've never emailed before and I can't begin to imagine how you will react to everything I have said, but right now I just need you to be okay. Please T, tell me you are alive and well.