Couch 208: The Practical Couch

Have fun! And be safe! I've never been skiing--pretty sure I'd seriously injure myself...

I used to like Mr. Rogers, too. And Sesame Street. Do the kids ever watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood on PBS? That's based on Mr. Rogers. It's good for teaching social skills and emotions and things. And, I guess, using the potty--though warning, you might not get that song out of your head!.

I used to hide as a kid when Mr. Rogers came on t.v. I thought he was terrifyingly way too nice.

I went skiing once in h.s. I kept falling and could not get back up. I didn't mind the falling, but the being unable to get back up part was a problem.

Clowns hide in storm drains, ya know...

While eating pie.

This—my divorce papers from 2ex included a clause at his insistence whereby I returned everything of his by x date. (I did not insist on a reciprocal clause, in order to get him out of my life asap, so the bastard still has lots of my books, all the electronics, tons of my kitchen stuff, etc.). If he claimed anything missing by x date, I’d have had to pay him its value.

Anyway, x date is long past, so when I found some things of his while decluttering this summer I tossed them straight into the Goodwill bag. I’d just make sure with your lawyer.

******* ****ing bastard cared more about getting back some “special” bottle of wine he got overseas and will never drink than he ever did about me.

Today, I made art and won a Hotel Chocolat (fancy chocolate) giveaway. The two things are unrelated, but they both happened today. I also did nearly an hour and a half of yoga.

It was the kind of day where I felt like I had to manually move the clouds out of the way.

I had the absolute worst panic/anxiety/freak out...whatever you want to call it last night. Crying, shaking, curled up in a ball, hyperventilating. I want to call my T today about it but I see him in the morning tomorrow and feel like it can wait.

My younger ones watch Daniel Tiger.

Hahahahaha wiped out something fierce. Taking a moment to gather my gumption (and what’s left of my pride).

Yesterday we watched the episode of Mr. Rogers where he meets the Postmaster General and learns how stamps are made. Then the critters in the Neighborhood of Make Believe received copies of their annual report (wtf?). The baby wasn't very interested, but my wife and I were fascinated.

Went back to the ER last night because I was having an allergic reaction. I think it was due to one of the antibiotics they gave me. My lips are still tingling and swollen. And my abscess still hurts. I'm starting to worry because I don't want to be like my H always rushing to the ER. But I had good reasons for each visit. And it was the holiday, so I couldn't see my PCP. The doctor at the ER last night said I have to go to my clinic this week to check the wound and my allergic reaction.

L was actually able to make it to yesterday's session. It wasn't a good session. I wrote her that she didn't care. She said that hurt her. Now I feel so bad and guilty. I know she cares. Hell, she made it to our session just for me. I don't think she had anyone else. She's been so good to me. I don't know why I flipped out on her. I cried the whole session and apologized profusely. I am truly sorry. I feel like I need to be punished in some way.

Hugs...If your lips are still tingling and swollen, that's concerning. If it continues or gets worse, you should consider going to the ER again, as there could be a risk of anaphylaxis. And this is definitely different from your H...plus, like you said, your PCP wasn't available.

This sounds awful. It sounds like you've been under a lot of pressure lately. Do you have ways of coping with stress? Do breathing exercises or that sort of thing help at all?

I found Mr. Rogers creepy when I was a kid. His soft voice, niceness, and the fact that he was a man just made me uncomfortable.

I liked Sesame Street, Arthur, and Wishbone. I used to get mad at Sesame Street, though, because I didn't like how they would keep switching between skits. It was like as soon as I got into something, they'd move on.

I think I watched Lambchop when I was really young but I don't really remember.

After he died several people told me my father reminded them of Mr. Rogers. I think it was mostly the way he parted his hair, it was the same color, and he wore cardigans.

ETA: I was just about to get up from the couch and go be “productive“ when new cat flopped down on my feet. Bless her little heart.

They seem to have changed Sesame Street so it doesn't do that anymore (I recall that as a kid, too). Each segment seems to be self-contained now.

I watched Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street, Punky Brewster, Small Wonder and a few others.

Right now I’m watching Mary Poppins. Guess I’m just nurturing myself this weekend.

Pinky Lee, Howdy Doody, Soupy Sales, Milky the Clown (our local Bozo).

I don't think anything was going to help me bring myself out of that last night. Actually think it was morning around when the sun starts coming up. I basically cried myself back to sleep but thankfully that's the only thing I did.

I'm supposed to meet with my therapist tomorrow unless he cancels on me. I wonder if he feels that his email to me after last week's cancellation was too harsh? I'm not feeling super excited to go in there and I don't know what the path forward is going to look like because I'm sure as hell not going to share any more of my feelings about anything relationship related at this point. I know there are different camps, but from working with him, I know I need to feel attached in order to feel safe opening up.

I survived skiing! My thighs are sore but I feel good otherwise--nothing broken, despite a massive wipeout halfway down an intermediate hill.

In other news, my T and I have been considering increasing session frequency from once a week to twice a week. But in one of those weird paradoxes of which my therapist is incredibly fond, T says that I have to be stable for that to happen because he doesn't want my illness to be the mediator of our relationship, doesn't want more sickness to mean more attention, etc. So now there's a part of me that's kind of afraid to tell him if I'm not doing well, because I would like to have two sessions a week.

Therapy is so so weird. (Or, perhaps more accurately, my therapist is so so weird.)

I broke down and called my T and left a message for him to call me back if he has time tonight.

That seems really confusing... I go twice a week, and I feel sort of the opposite, where I worry if my T thinks I'm doing well, he'll say I should decrease sessions. Though he's learned from any time he's just hinted at that to stay far away from it--once I'd said at the start of a session that I wasn't sure what to talk about, and he'd said that can be a sign it's time to reduce sessions, and I got pretty upset. And said it was more that I wasn't sure *which* thing to talk about, not that I had nothing. He's said since then (and before that) how it's up to me when to reduce sessions. That he wonders if regular therapy is what does enable me to cope with life (if I seem to be doing better).


I'd discuss your concerns with your T. That you want to try twice a week but then worry you'd be reluctant to tell him if you were struggling more, for fear he'd say you had to stop that. I've found twice a week helpful, incidentally--can make more progress that way, and I worry less about a wasted session.