Just went off on T via email

I also agree that a phone call would be a good idea. A couple of my ruptures with Dr. T either happened or were made worse over email (misreading each others' tone, stuff like that), and I learned that if I had a conflict with him, it was better to talk it over in person (he doesn't really do phone calls that aren't scheduled). With ex-MC, phone calls helped. If he's unwilling to do a phone call, I know you aren't supposed to have session on your regular day next week because of your anniversary, but could he maybe schedule something on a different day?


As for what's needed, I think a true apology (not "sorry if you were bothered" or "sorry you felt that way"), taking responsibility, making it clear he understands what you're saying (like not wanting the positive stuff), etc.

Thanks. Right now my phone is shut off because H forgot to pay it and ran out of money. It should be back on Friday. I don’t dare tell T this as he will use it as leverage that I can’t afford him. Most of it is mismanagement not lack of money. Anyway, come Friday I may call him but he has been truly taking the weekends off (Fri-Sun) short of me going inpatient. So it might not be until Monday. In the 18 months I have worked with him he has never been able to fit me in on less than two weeks notice. His practice is very full and his clients rarely cancel. We scheduled Monday for July because he was running out of openings and needed to know if he could put anyone in my regular slot.

I imagine you were also bothered that he was trying to put someone else in your regular slot... I know I would be (not that I have a regular slot right now--more complicated having to schedule around my H's numerous work meetings). That sucks about your phone, and I agree with not telling T. Could you maybe meet via whatever online platform you were using before? I assume you still have an internet connection. Even if you used it without broadcasting your video.

Thankfully T has the tact not to come right out and say he is putting someone in my slot... it was more of an “I’m running out of openings for July and need to know what I have available”.
If we needed face to face time yes, he could use the platform he is using for phone sessions. Apparently he only opened up in office appointments to some clients.
Historically though we have also always done well working things out in email. I tend to do best being able to “hear” something, take time to think on it and then respond in my own time. We have actually had more problems face to face... but we shall see. So far nothing from him and nothing on my usual google dive options that might offer insight into possible reasons from home.

I’m so sorry Omers. That all sounds very painful. Sending you hugs

A friend who is a retired T made what I feel is a valid point about T not responding to this. Having read the actual email that was sent to him she said I called him out on some pretty serious professional mistakes (no ethics violation type things but mistakes). She said if it had been her she would take my concerns to supervision before coming back to address them with me. She also said it might take a bit depending on how he does supervision for him to talk to someone.
I thought it was a reasonably valid possibility.

Ok but it also seems like poor communication to not acknowledge that a client communicated grievances to him. He should have been explicit in his response to what you shared. That doesn't mean he has to discuss it over email, but I think it's pretty rude to fail to specifically reference the fact that grievances were made. You shouldn't have to imagine or mind-read or whatever to figure out what's going on.

Agreed. He could have at least acknowledged receiving the grievances and said something like he needs to take some time to think about what happened. And that he'd prefer to discuss in person, via phone, something like that.

I agree with Susannah too. The most fundamental thing in therapy is trying to listen to the client and make them feel heard and empathised with. Your T made absolutely no reference to your concerns in his response, only offering a rather clinical description of his concerns for you. It wouldn't make me feel heard in those circumstances and I can't imagine it would anyone. In fact it would trigger intense feelings of being ignored and rejected in me. Even if your T is planning to take your concerns to supervision (which would be a good thing to do) his priority must be you, his client. I'm so sorry.

Agree with this comment both in meaning and tone. I am so sorry this strong relationship is now in trouble, and that the trust you placed in the relational approach and the compassion is being called into question by out of character behavior.

I've been wanting to write about my experience that is kindred to Omers, but I am (?) spiritually depleted / zausted from the horribleness of the experience of my T melting down in a way , I think partly from being in his house without leaving for 90 days or something. He is phobic about Covid 19.

In general, there seems to be a massive increase in the T's having countertransference but not owning it like Omer's T, being unprofessional on calls and FaceTime/ tele therapy etc, doing things like falling asleep, doing their nails, lashing out, having family members nearby sessions etc.

Many T's I am sure are stepping up, staying present, and doing good work, but a bunch seem to be melting down.

I've come to think some T's are pretty fragile as humans when it comes to digging down deep to meet a crisis affecting everyone.

One of my best friends is an ER doc who goes to work in person despite being scared and deals heavily, and reveres the oath she took.

Meanwhile , a percentage ( hopefully small) of the T's are spending a ton of time shaming one another in T-only forums and groups for wanting to see clients in person, and trying to get A+'s in "Self Care" rather than patient/ client care.

Some T's have lost income ( and many of us too) and are spiraling. Mine is. Or rather I finally terminated ( for the second time, but he chased me to come back). The anguish therapy sparked for me over four intense years abated the minute I didn't have to face 2 90 minute sessions a week with someone I don't trust anymore.

I still believe in therapy, but I am really convinced that many T's are not trained to explore their countertransference so that it doesn't hurt vulnerable clients like in this thread. It may be the behind-the-scenes pressures affect them even more than most people, and remove some of their resources for self soothing and remaining centered?

I wonder how many Ts are burning out because of the fact that they are talking to clients every day all day with the current events. From my understanding many have to also change their practice and boundaries due to the challenges of teletherapy. Plus, like us, many can't do there own self care because of places being closed, their childcare being shut down, etc. In the past we have discussed the importance for her to practice good self care and routines in order to the the best mother and therapist she can be

That being sad I would be really upset (as would she) if her personal stuff interfered with her abilities as a therapist.

I've thought about how this is a case where T's and clients are all experiencing the same thing together. Yes, it affects different people in different ways, but T's professional and personal lives have likely been very disrupted, as have those of their clients'.

And typically, unless a T works with a very specific population, they probably normally have clients dealing with a wide variety of issues. So it's not like they'd spend all day every day just talking about, say, grief or anxiety. But I imagine that Covid comes up in most sessions in some way now, whether directly or indirectly. And as it's something T is dealing with, too, there's really no escape from it, so I imagine self-care becomes more difficult for them as well.

It's interesting with my T because he's seemed more humble in a way since the pandemic started, like he doesn't have all the answers. Like you said, many things he might normally recommend as coping skills (get together with friends, take a yoga class, etc.) have been limited or stopped entirely due to lockdowns (though some are opening back up). He has said he doesn't feel as effective in helping clients via telehealth and feels bad that it's the only thing he can offer them. He's also seemed more empathetic in general. Also he normally charges for emails over a certain length, but he says that with everything going on, he hasn't been charging anyone.

I told my T about an article I'd read a month ago that said how...I think it was that 20% of people with depression and/or anxiety are doing worse during the pandemic, 20% are doing better, and the rest are about the same. Dr. T said that was interesting, because in his practice, it seemed that all of his clients were the same or worse. At one point, I was talking to him about how I'd been improving considerably before the pandemic, and worry that I've lost that progress. And he said how it was frustrating to him that I'm having to deal with this now--quickly clarifying that he wasn't frustrated with *me* but with the situation (I imagine the same with his other clients who are struggling more, too).

Again, this is not trying to let T's off the hook at all. It's just a unique situation in a way for them. And some are likely much better at handling it than others. Both in terms of switching to telehealth and with coping with their own stuff while this is going on. And I'd also be really upset if his personal stuff (or doubts about his abilities or burnout or something) got in the way of his being able to help me.

Yes, I believe all this is true/plays a part. T struggles some with worry, mostly about his family. Others in his family are struggling deeply with it and I am sure turn to him because... well, he’s him! He has told me the changes to his practice are exhausting for him (hence the severe cut back in responsiveness outside of sessions even though he still reads and sometimes responds). T’s wife retired several years ago and while they (I assume) would need to make some sacrifices and changes for him to retire (he is old enough but I can’t see him retired) the conversation has come up again between them. He is tired in so many ways, like we all are, and I am sure in the midst of covid retirement sounds tempting. He couldn’t abandon his clients in this though and I think he knows he would miss the work too much when things returned to “normal”. I am thankful for all I know about him from what he has shared and what I have discovered along the way. I know he is struggling and I know there is more of that struggle than usual that he will not share. I know he said he was thankful that almost all of his clients have continued their dedication to therapy through all of this.
I also know he is doing his best for self care and shares some of that. Mulch season though has sadly come to an end I know what his next project was and I know that “things” keep coming up preventing him from doing them.
He has also shared with me how difficult the changes to his practice since covid have been for him specifically in relation to me. It took him a while to figure out why we had such great rapport and yet some things were not happening. When we figured it out it hit him really deeply as a person but also put him in a place professionally that he had not been in before. As he sought supervision and ideas he discovered that some of what we are working with is exceptionally unique. He had adjusted to meet that need. Once we figured it out change and healing started happening slowly but easily and comfortably, it seemed a very natural path for both of us. We seemed to be at a quiet spot the session before lockdown and we had no idea that the next session would not be in person. On rare occasions quiet sessions are simply my catching my breath... I have discovered this was not one of those occasions... it was the quiet before a huge storm of processing... but now everything that worked for us has been ripped from us. I don’t know it for sure but right now I can see him, hands on hips, totally pissy toddler.... “I don’t want to reinvent the wheel! We had this! It was working beautifully! I don’t want to do this over! I don’t want to come up with a “good enough” substitute when I found what she needed”... but, as helpful as I think it would be that is not something he and I can process together.