Wasted Session

I just wasted an entire session crying. It was supposed to be a good session doing answer and questions. Instead my sadness over not getting to see her in-person again until 4 more weeks and fear of wasting session got the best of me. And I did waste my session. I don't think L understands how painful it is to be away from her. She says that 2 sessions a week isn't enough. That I need to learn to be on my team as well.

I think I'm done.

By not seeing her in person for 4 more weeks...do you mean you'll have videotherapy between now and then?


If you mean you see her only once per month - no, I don't get the feeling that's frequent enough.

Hugs, Scarlet, I'm sorry... I'd try talking to her about all this (I forget if you're allowed to email?) before being done.

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

I have sessions twice a week. I won't see her in-person for another 4 weeks. I will "see" her on video next Wednesday.

Yes, I can email however much I want. She'll be giving me a call in 1.5 hours to check-in on me because I was honest and told her I don't feel safe.

I'm glad she's calling you and hope it helps.

The phone call helped a little. She helped me ground myself a little, and we came up with things to do to calm my nervous system tonight. Wish it would have worked better because I'm nauseous again, and now have a migraine. I was supposed to go to bed early. That clearly didn't happen.

I still am not sure if I feel safe any longer with her. She let me sit in silence for what felt like 5 mins! She says it was 20 secs. It was forever. My mind quickly went deep into negative thoughts and there was no one there on the other side. She just sat there looking at me! She knows how much I hate silence. I told her that in the beginning. She said she didn't know what to do in that moment because every time she said something it made me pull away more. That doesn't mean give up and go to silence!

I'm so so depressed that now I won't get to be with her for another 4 weeks. This is torture. It's like I can't just be. I have to use my 2 hours a week to the best of my ability or else, poof, time is gone and I'm alone again. And this time I didn't get to soak in her presence and warmth. I don't have the experience to hold onto. All I have is a stupid video call on Wednesday. Yay!!! (Not.)

I know how hard it is not being able to see T in person. Video sessions are nowhere as intimate; so much non-verbal communication is lost. I'm sorry you feel like you wasted your session, but it's okay to show how you feel about it. Maye try taking it as an emotion that needed to be let out in order for you to process it, or in order for you to be able to focus on the answers and questions when you have your next session.

Four weeks is a long time, but keep reminding yourself that the end is in sight. Each new day is going to bring you closer to seeing her in person again. And although it must be frustrating when things don't go to plan, it's okay to use this time to explore how bad this feels.

Hugs!!

Hugs Scarlet

Thank you for this!

I talked to L again this morning. We set up a plan for me today: clean dining room table, watch a tv show she suggested, and take a nap later today. The goal is for me to relax and keep distracted.

I'm still super sad and angry (at myself and her) about how session went. She wanted to talk to me more, but we ran out of time. I feel devastated. She said that I'm grieving. I guess that's true. And she said that all of this has been helpful to her: she knows me better, she knows about the fear "monster" about not being able to connect, she knows about my past and how people change on me, and we both know what happens when I hit a boundary of hers. It's a very painful thing hitting her boundary (of not allowing more in-person sessions).

I guess it's a good learning experience, but it hurts like hell.

This sounds like a pressure-filled atmosphere - for both you and her. You feeling you have to make the most of the time or else you will experience great distress and catastrophic sadness; her wanting to fill the silence or else you pull away and sink into darkness. That is a lot of weight for you both to carry, it is easy for things to go downhill under such pressure. Imagine if things could be lighter.

I liked comrademoomoo's sentence about things being lighter, and if I were you I would definitely give it a thought.

For me it would mean for example taking things as they are each day. Some sessions are lighter, some deeper, some with feeling more closeness, some more distant. And maybe there is something new to gain and learn from all the different kinds of sessions if trying to ease the pressure of them always feeling the same and trying to fill the same hole with them.

Friday's session was supposed to be lighter. We were supposed to do questions and answers or a game. I chose not to do a game because of the virus (social distancing, masks, touching pieces, etc.) made things more difficult. We were supposed to start with questions and answers, but it was me who didn't want to. I was afraid that wouldn't feel connecting enough, so I tried telling her about my pain dealing with non-in-person sessions. That's when everything went downhill. I just thought if I could address that hurt, I might feel more connected. I thought the conversation would only last half the session, but it ate up the whole time.

She hurt me, yes. But I was the one who messed the session up. And now I have 4 more weeks of drowning in my own sorrow.

You are describing exactly the pressure right there - how the session should be and feel like and how you feel like a failure if it goes another way. Can you just think taking things and sessions the way they come without putting too much thought how they should be in advance? You didn't mess anything up.

I was using the idea of lightness not in terms of the content of a session (games or questions/answers) but with the idea that you could hold things more lightly. For example, accepting that sometimes the intense connection cannot be present because she is a human with shortcomings or that sometimes you can't prescribe the outcome of sessions because you can't control her reactions. I don't know. I feel relief in trying to accept that the highs and lows, the natural ebb and flow of a relationship. I try and appreciate the organic nature of that way of being.

Ah. That makes sense. Before the virus, I never really planned sessions. I didn't need to. Everything was pretty consistent. She met most, if not all, my needs that she was capable of meeting. Sometimes more! I was pretty secure in our relationship. Sure I had questions and fears that would be new to the relationship (i.e. talking about love), and I would post them here, but after spending a session or two on it, things would calm back down. I've been with L for over a year now, and my relationship with her is normal very stable, safe, and secure. But since the virus, I feel like I've been pining for more connection, love, affection, stability, security, safety, etc. It's actually the in-person sessions messing me up. I do fine with in-person or video, but not both. When I finally see her in-person, I panic and feel rushed. Things are dire, pressured. I don't really care too much what we do or talk about, but I have this urgent feeling that I must get those needs met, I must feel a deep connection, otherwise I'll have to wait for another x weeks.

How do I lighten my expectations of in-person sessions?

It kind of sounds like it would be easier not having in person at all, tbh.

Maybe she would be open having only video sessions with you for now, until it is time to switch back to live sessions?

I know going back and forth between in-person and video sessions is triggering me, and (now) I know that in-person caused me to feel frantic and puts pressure on us because I feel like I jave to make the most of my time. However, I still want to do in-person sessions. I miss seeing her, the non-verbal language, and especially her hugs.

That is the one thing that is keeping me from totally freaking out: her hugs. After Friday's session, she gave me one of the best hugs ever. She had one hand on my head and the other rubbing my back. That is the L I know and love. In that moment, she "got" me. And that is why I don't want to give up in-person.

L has planned out our session for us today: greeting, questions and answers for 15mins, talking about a past hurt (she loves all her clients comment), and then the last 5 minutes our goodbye ritual. She's hoping this will make things lighter and try to take the pressure off of me.

Hope it helps, Scarlet. Can I ask what your goodbye ritual is like? It feels so abrupt ending online sessions. I miss the whole T opening the door then us shaking hands while saying parting words, then the walking out the door. Now he'll say something like (today), "Have a good few days, LT" and I'll say, "You, too," then he'll sort of stare at the camera as I find the Leave button (then the "are you sure you want to leave" button), as I've requested he let me be the one to end the meeting. On days we don't schedule (we do all the scheduling on Mondays), it can be like less than a minute from talking about stuff, sometimes rather intense stuff, to leaving the meeting. Maybe some sort of ritual would help while still online.

Since the virus, L and I tell each other that we love the other at the end of session. Here almost word for word how it goes:

L: (5 mins before times up) I know it's about time, is there anything else you would like to talk about?
S: Are we okay? Are you mad at me?
L: Yes we are okay. No. I'm not mad at you.
S: Ok
L: Ok. Are you ready to say goodbye?
S: Yes
L: You first or me first
S: (I randomly choose)
L: S. I love you.
S: I love you, L.
L: See you soon.
S: Okay. Thank you.
L: You're welcome. Bye bye. (Sometimes we wave).
L is the one to end the call.

Aw, that seems nice, thanks for sharing.