Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I'm beginning to feel like your use of the word 'despair' might be appropriate. I've felt a real resistance towards it...'It's not that bad.'

It is that bad. This is everything I've fought against. I cannot do this reduced life thing indefinitely.

Hey T. Miss you.

Thanks for emailing me back. I... I don't know what I'm going to do without you.

I’ve been listening to this song every night for a few weeks called Halls by Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness. It makes me just feel this intense feeling that I can feel deep in my stomach. I miss you a lot and I’m trying not to let it bother my Christmas.

Dear No. 3,

I dreamt about emailing you last night, since Info’s not available and I would really like to talk to someone I know, i.e., not a new person.

ATAT

Listening to the rain in bed. I wish you could tell me all about you. I've told you all about me. I don't feel like I get to form a clear image of you as a person, because I know Ts must edit themselves to follow the professions 'ethics' or whatever. I wish I lived in a time where we didn't have all those awful rules. Rules in our sessions don't make things ok or better, they limit and define and hinder. I think these rules were put in place to make sure no one really got better from therapy.

T I'm in a real mood.

I want to call you so badly.

Getting drunk now.

thanks for squeezing me in your schedule for when you're working next week. I have no idea what I'm going to talk about, though.

Dear T,
It took a lot for me to admit that one thing regarding D. I wish I'd said it earlier in session so we could have discussed it more. But we did still have a little time. And it felt like you switched it back over to the other, related topic. When I think I needed to talk about the other aspect. But then, I also wondered if it could potentially hit home for you. And so I wonder if I didn't push it more because of that? Though I'm also not sure how far we could have gotten with it in like the 10 remaining minutes anyway. I feel like I need to discuss it more, but is that what I should really discuss right before Christmas? I don't know. Then again, I'm only going to be missing Friday's session with you and will see you again Monday. So I think it would probably be OK to address that topic with you Wed.? (Knowing that I wouldn't be able to contact you before Monday.) I'll think about it...
Love,
LT

Everything has been turned upside down in the last couple of days. Made a decision which broke my heart and made my family sad. Will now spend Christmas alone. I miss you and want to reach out but I'm going to respect the fact that you are on holiday. I'm kind of struggling right now. Everything hurts and i feel rough.

17 days without you already. It feels weird.

My youngest sister also dropped out of therapy after doing one session.

Between a death in the family and a Facebook pregnancy announcement from my supposed BFF, I am feeling pretty bummed out this week, and of course you're on vacation. Oh well.

I’m making progress. It still sucks a bit not to see you. I’ve been typing out emails for you but not sending them. My case manager suggested I do that and I told her I already have been and that it’s been helpful. She said that I can keep them or get rid of them or bits of them as I go along. I told her that I like you because you know stuff about me that no one else knows and you are cool and nonjudgmental about these things and that I trust you.

I really hope you are enjoying your time off and will be able to relax. However I miss you and look forward to seeing you on Jan 7th

I'm sorry I keep missing our phone appts. I'll try to do better.

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about how much normal stuff I've missed out on in my life. What would be the point? No use feeling sad over what can't be changed. I'm realizing now that I'm also going to miss out on other normal things in the future, and even though that hasn't happened yet, I'm just as helpless to change that outcome as I am to change the past. I'm not normal. I don't mean that I'm not normal in that I'm unique or special. Perhaps I mean that I'm sub-normal, because I definitely don't mean anything positive. I'm not exactly trying to talk **** about myself either, just being a realist about my capabilities.

You would tell me that I'm being negative, but sometimes I feel like you see the world through rose-tinted glasses and think if you can make me believe something, that must mean it is probable or even possible. My perspective that pigs and cows are land mammals doesn't really shift just because someone says "well maybe pigs will fly and the cow will jump over the moon." To you, my stubborn perspective on the limitations of these farm animals is "too negative." I'm being slightly hyperbolic, but only slightly.

Anyway, this isn't a post about our differences in perspective. I was just lying here before bed feeling quite down about what I have to look forward to in life. I am specifically talking about relationships. I find people utterly exhausting and emotionally draining, yet I also can't seem to do without them (or, perhaps, the threat of them). As we have seen, I cease to care for myself on an even basic level when left to my own devices.

I'm too emotionally overwhelmed to go into the rest of what I'm thinking and dreading right now. Really wish I could rid myself of all of this anxiety. Probably won't even bring it up, tbh. Not sure why. Maybe because it's just too depressing and I'm avoidant.

Would you respond to my email, please? You know how much it cost me to send that.

That moment when you went to offer me a pen, even though we're currently working virtually, will keep me laughing into the New Year. Thank you. <3

Dear T,
I blame you for us catching the mouse today. Did you have to comment on the fact that we haven't caught any?

Also I need to figure out if I want to talk about the thing from last session tomorrow or not. I definitely *don't* want to spend the whole session (or even more than a minute or two) on mouse stuff. Do we need to talk about coping stuff during your time off? I don't know. I feel so silly with the short amount of time each long weekend is. But maybe would be good to discuss it briefly? I don't know...


Love,
LT

I hope the Christmas gift isn’t too silly or weird or anything. It felt right you should have them. When you asked me about how I felt about getting gifts, I was too scared to say about the one you gave me in case it made you feel uncomfortable some how. But I take that stone everywhere.

I’m glad I can trust you with my weird habit of coping. I’m glad you are not judgmental and all you say is “if your into that stuff, cool.” Although I wish I could talk to you now about some stuff.

I wonder where you're at in this book? I'm not very far in yet. Tomorrow's my Friday though so I plan to stay up late reading! I'm really liking it so far and am looking forward to discussing it with you!

T, thank you for your nice caring emails and advocating for me to get some extra support while you're away. but you know what would be better? if you just forgot about xmas, cancelled all of your plans and stayed in town for my sessions. no? really?? are you sure??? oh well, can't blame me for wishing.