Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I’m having bad thoughts and they don’t have anything to do with you so I can imagine you being like “oooh drama. And this time it isn’t my fault!” If you heard anything from group. I feel like I am doing ok without seeing you though.

I think I'm in denial that we only have a few face to face sessions left. I feel upset but not as upset as I think I will be when it really hits me.

i wish i would've cancelled this upcoming appt. i don't wanna do any appts anymore -> just wanna stay hidden. plus there's nothing you can do anyways......

I am so grateful that Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve fall on a Thursday and I only have to see you once a week for the next two weeks.

Please don't interpret geneticist guy's sweetness and generosity as something problematic or weird or bad. I don't want you to make/let me eff this up

***Happy Birthday!***

Please please please check your emails. I need to know you know I didn’t hang up.
I spent that whole session with my face buried in my soft toy leopard, I didn’t know if you were real so I couldn’t speak to you. It hurts too much and I won’t even tell you this. I don’t know why I keep putting myself through this pain, sometimes I think therapy is just cruel, cruel and pointless.

Just wanted to say that I love you and that I am thankful for you. This year has been super hard and there is no guarantee that the next one will be much better. I never imagined I would be prevented from being in the same room as you for so long with no end in sight. I really hope the vaccines make a difference next year...or rather that they make enough of a difference so that at least we can meet in person. I miss being in the same room as you, but I am thankful to still have access to you over Zoom and I am thankful that both of us are healthy. We will go back to normal at some point...I'm sure of it. I just need to learn to stop living my life waiting. Need to stop resisting Zoom sessions. They aren't the same but they have their good sides too. I'm really stressed about Christmas and having to travel to see family. I love them, but they're difficult. My ability to tolerate stuff has gone down because I'm already stressed about covid and all the restrictions. I hope that when I come back, the test will arrive when it's meant to and I won't have to quarantine for longer than they said. Anyway, I'm rambling. I guess I just needed to feel close to you.

P.S. I did a naughty google search and found some photos of someone you know. No idea why...probably just curiosity. And stress...I wanted to focus on something, solve some puzzle about you. it kept me out of my own head. Anyway, I think this person's great btw--very intrigued by them. i'm sorry (but I'm not really, because you'll never know that I know).

Trying therapy was a horrible mistake. You people are such awful awful human beings

Sorry I f.. up with my previous appt. I forgot about my dental appt. TY for understanding and making a diff. appt for me.

Would it have killed you to say something warm to me?

Aw. Thanks for checking in to see if I had the results back yet. It feels nice when you do things that show you care about me.

I passed my first final year exam. Just internal, gyne, surgery and peds left.

The guy I like was also there. Haven't seen him for more than a month and I told him I was so happy to see him because I was. He was done a lot sooner than me, but he waited more than 25 mins. We then went for lunch and he paid for my fries and drink which I wasn't expecting at all. It felt nice.

Cried a lot yesterday too. Honestly thought about calling you but didn't because I knew you wouldn't pick up or get back to me even if I did email. I can't picture myself back in therapy when just 14 days ago you meant so much to me.

Odd huh?

Please, ****-**.

Thank you. Just, thank you. And I hope you remember to send that article.

I think you need to work on your own issues before even considering to be a therapist again because you don't realize the damage you do to people.

Dear T,
Currently listening to a streaming live benefit concert and enjoying it (the guinea pigs seem to like it as well, oddly). Figured you'd be happy to hear that.

Love,
LT

I wish I could some how tell you how much of a waste I feel this year has been.

T: Friday will be our last session for a few weeks, and the last one (probably) that is an actual hour. The past few weeks have been nice. Sigh.

Thank you. I feel very overwhelmed with all of the help and support I have had this week, and I knw that none of it would have happened without you.

My mother told me:

Also really pissed of Y.

I agreed to study for my internal exam with her which she needs to do too.

She wanted to go through each topic from the start, but actually read it section by section and then she would ask me to repeat it back to her before reaching the next section. I don't find it helpful listening to someone else read. I know my brain doesn't work like that and I need an overview first and physically write out stuff at the same time. I told her I wanted to go through it by myself individually then we could discuss at the end. That we could study over zoom. She told me how she studied with two other people like that and that she was expecting resistance from me. I also got annoyed at the "do you want to pass the exam ? " question.

Totally =

I’ve been using coping skills that have been incredibly helpful. But they could be considered very strange coping skills to some people. I’ve told you before and you have been totally cool and non judgmental about them. So I’m wondering how to tell my case manager what’s been working without actually telling what I’ve been using. I do miss seeing you and being able to be completely open about things.

After moaning about spending Christmas alone I did get an offer to spend Christmas with my friend R who I haven't seen since the 27th of November, but honestly now I would rather spend it alone.

I look forward to my session with you. I like how you listen to me . I feel you are very understanding of my self esteem issues.