Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

So after telling you in my last session before Christmas last week how much I struggle with breaks in therapy and how badly it affects me and can lead to massive deterioration in my mood and I can end up in crisis, today you email me to cancel my first session back in January so now I have even longer in between sessions. Suddenly you are no longer available? I’m presuming that means a better offer came up. Any excuse so you don’t have to see me. Screw you.

I can’t believe you didn’t respond to that email. What is wrong with you?

I want to see you face to face, ffs!

That article I contributed to didn't come to anything. You're the only person who's read it, and probably the person who least needed to. We talk about it every week, for goodness' sake.

Dear T,
You seemed so warm and genuine when you wished me a great holiday. It felt as if you were a friend saying that. And I'm glad I managed not to dissolve into sobs as I said I'd see you Monday. It's not really that long, but when I've been seeing you 3 times a week since late March, it feels like it. I do genuinely hope you enjoy your time off, because you deserve a break. But I'm also glad you're not taking all of next week off, too...
Love you,
LT

my therapist is awesome

I deeply appreciate your texts while your on vacation. Also to vent ....my ex's wife needs to get covid19 tested, my son is there and was visiting during the holidays . now I wont see him for atleast a extra week. he has to quarantine there until her results come back and when they do if neg he will come back here if positive he will be staying there until we are sure its safe for him to come back to me. I feel myself spiraling already. dissociation fogginess numb and my thoughts are not good ones. why do I go to a place of such despair..I think its so that when it really happens its not so bad because I already knew it ...atleast my thinking but nothing can prepare yourself for really bad stuff. You know I will keep in touch i hope you know also that if I were to lose touch its a bad sign. then you need to please reach out to me i hope you know to do that...do you?? My dad recovered from Covid, I dont want to have a son recover or even get it.

Old crow, carrion feeder.

Well, so much for me using my Wednesday therapy hour to do therapy-workings on my own. That had been my plan, but 2 weeks and a couple days into your vacation, and I haven't really done squat therapy-wise. I've been enjoying having time to myself since school ended so much that I haven't even noticed it was therapy time until after the time has passed!!! Who'da thunk it.

Maybe next week!

me too. I fear its going to be a LONG time until I do. Ugh.

Super awesome (not) to get a call from the MH service on Xmas Eve saying, 'sorry, no support available until January 6th.' Bit late then when you're back on the 7th. It's so hard being in that in-between place where i know the text chat service isn't enough support, but crisis team would be too much at the moment.

I knew it was going to be a waste of time, i told you they'd say no, and i'm annoyed i let you talk me into asking. It feels awful to be unwell enough to need support while you're away, but so much worse to have them just say, 'soz, you're on your own, good luck with that!'

I'm in work early, nothing is fair. All the day staff got to leave 3 hours early but I still have to do a whole shift. I know loads of people MUST be lying about having symptoms all the time just to get time off. I feel weak and like I could cry for ages.

I’m doing that thing I said I wouldn’t do. But...you’re with your family not thinking about me, and I’m getting drunk by myself thinking about you. Which I hate by the way. It’s ****ing pathetic. We would have had a session today, but it’s Christmas Eve. You better ****ing come back in January refreshed like ****ing Snow White waking up from her stupid coma or whatever. Fresh and ready to take on the monster that is slowly growing in me. Cheers to that.

I said I didn't care about Christmas but I lied. Really feel low with the Christmas blues. I did have an offer to spend tomorrow with my friend R, but it doesn't feel safe with covid and I would like to be alone.

I miss you right now. It’s been over 2 weeks since we last met and it’s still tough. It’s almost like grief which I learned the other day you can grieve about other things besides death.

thanks for the merry Christmas text. <3

Merry Christmas! Hope you have a wonderful time.

Almost half way through this day done. Cried a bit, watched an hour of Fraiser and studied for almost an hour.

Hope you're having a nice time though.

Well, after a long time wanting to see it, and yet wondering whether I could 'make it through' the film, I finally watched Coco. It was very on the nose, and if I let it, I am sure the main song would have undone me, but...I couldn't stand the thought of crying at Christmas.

Thank you for the lovely response to my Christmas email. I'm so glad you're enjoying your vacation!

I can't believe you've done this to me. I'm so completely ****ed off. I'll never be the same again, my heart is well and truly broken. So well done.

I just wish we could sit in the same room.

I feel like big stuff always happens at bad times when I can't see you for ages. Please don't be mad at me or treat me different. I am terrified. I wish I could talk to you, not even as a therapist just as a person that would be great.

Crone, voodoo crowner.

10 days of your break down, 11 to go. Not that i'm keeping track or anything

I've pretty much given up on the idea of asking for support from the MH service. Especially after reading the notes the triage person wrote. On one line she says i'm high risk, then on another she says it's non urgent. They do this every time, even though you repeatedly state in your referral letters (and the complaint) that we wouldn't be asking unless it was urgent.

I'm so tired of fending for myself, and I'm also tired of asking for help and being told no. And, even worse, having the fact that i mostly fend for myself used as justification for the no. So because i'm 'high functioning' (ugh) i shouldn't ever ask for support?? The MH service complains about being overrun with people in crisis, but here i am trying to get help in order to avoid a crisis and they say no.

Guess i need to keep my s**t together and figure out ways to feel/process/distract/ground as needed. Part of me wants to give up, to just stop fighting and trying and instead let myself go. But then i think of you saying, "while there's life, there's hope" and i delay making that decision for a little longer.