Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Feels like we hit something important today. I needed to be understood when I was trying to unravel the aftermath of the situation, and I wasn't. The anger that arises from unmet needs is the most intense emotion I have ever experienced.

Thanks for the reminder text. You and your bitmojis! You're the hippest 70 year old I know. Not that I know many 70 year olds but still! Today's is my favorite so far.

I have a problem.

Thanks for messaging me about my husband - well, all of us - as we deal with the COVID nightmare. I'll let my husband know you were asking about him next time I talk to him. They are just now getting him up to the ICU. Thank you for being who you always are.

If you truly cared, you would have checked on me tonight. You already knew I was struggling. Why couldn't you have just checked in on me?

I'm sorry I just didn't have the words to describe how this week has been. I needed the quiet and to listen to the birds in your background.

In almost 3 months it will be the first anniversary since X died.

I cried today when someone asked me if I was okay. I said I wasn't and she gave me a hug.

[deleting details]

I've been holding out on telling T something mildly embarrassing because I think it's unimportant and not something he needs to know about, but when I don't tell him something, no matter how small, I just feel a little distanced in general. Which means I probably have to tell him this really minor and embarrassing thing.

Dear T,
I appreciate the happy birthday. Not gonna lie that I intentionally mentioned my birthday again at the end to see if you'd take the bait. I feel like you didn't say it in previous years, no matter how often I mentioned it. So it was nice. And you remembered what age I'm going to be (though maybe you're doing like I do with people and think of them in relation to my own age).

Also, it meant a lot what you said regarding trauma and not comparing what I experienced as being less compared to other people's. The thing you said about comparable distress now, no matter what happened in the past, to consider that--it really struck me. And the way you said you were sick of me doing that--I know some people could take that the wrong way, but I know it was you showing care and validation. So, thanks.

And now I understand the hope thing, why you didn't want me to feel too much hope about the schools. Again, that feels like care.

Love you,
LT

I can’t tell if I’m trying to push your buttons regarding my risk taking, or if I’m crying out for help.

Dear T,
Also, this is completely random, but were you wearing the same shirt for all three sessions this week? Or do you just have 3 very similar black shirts?
Love,
LT

Thanks for today, most especially for answering my question (I liked that I was able to just straight-up ask it without any hemming and hawing). Also I very much liked your response to my dream.

I. HAVE. HAD. ENOUGH.

There.

I said it.

Hey L! So I started that Active after I got home that we had talked about yest, and then finished it just before I fully woke up this morning in that liminal space between asleep and awake that I am becoming more adept at utilizing. And afterwards as I got up, got dressed for the day and was making my tea I realized what exactly Active Imagination is - it's a way to access the stuff that we know deep down inside; the very stuff that ego likes to parade around in front of acting like we don't know!! I got some good stuff this morning, my dearest t, some real good stuff and I look forward to sharing it with you next week.

And, I remain ever grateful to you for so much, not the least of which is teaching me this particular technique.

That was the important word yesterday, you know. Not "want" or "need" but "can". The realization that I CAN.

And. And! I am glad we scheduled for next week because of how much came out of this latest Active. Also, I think it's good idea to give myself a week to settle into the other thing we talked about. So far it still feels right but we'll see where I'm at with it next Friday. Thank you.

I started liking you when I started my transition. Before that you were just a normal therapist like any other one I’ve had and I was not clingy. Weird how different things are now. I keep going back to my sleep study of 2019 and not caring at the time if you were concerned about me. I just was focused on the sleep study and trying to figure out myself what was wrong. Now if I did a sleep study I’d be wondering nonstop if you would be worried and concerned about me.

Well its been quit sometime, and finally got the authorization and ready to resume therapy regularly, but what i cant tell you is that the emotional toll of all that prior has me totally shutdown and still the feeling of apathetic lingers. started gambling so far like 3 times playing lottery and tonight i am drinking. I think about what to say to you and really have nothing. its not you of course but its where I am at. things have been relatively the same since and I know I have not written you since Jan 8 or 9th. its not to say things are awesome but rather I am in the pathetic mood, that talking to you and opening up things just to have it closed til next week sucks, prior it was month and waiting 30 days was ****ing hell. I just am not able to do that anymore. I am sure there is a part of me that cares to talk but I have no idea where she is. You did not care to write to my many emails so I stopped. it hurts and I will not tell you that. sure you would turn it into some attachement thing and really if or not that it doesnt matter. I just do not want to talk about it anymore.

Dear T,
OK, I sort of lied about one thing in that email, but it's Saturday night, I can't bother you now, beyond the emails I already sent. I can't risk the rupture.
Love,
LT

T, I'm exhausted. This too shall pass.

aww, thanks for the link to info about the vaccine for H. if i hadn't already had 2 glasses of wine, i might not have responded with the teaser about the Active I did hee hee I'm terrible aren't I?


p.s. H and I are watching wonder woman (the 2017 movie, not the newer one) and he's all I don't know why you think she's so hot, I guess I don't like dark haired women. i'm like dude look at her. she's a beautiful badass! haha

Dear T,
I feel like I manipulated you into fitting me into your schedule today. But I think in reality, it's that I generally didn't get my emotional needs met as a child. So if I do get those needs met, like by you, I feel like it must have been via manipulation. Not just, say, you caring about your clients and your realizing that I must not be doing OK if I kept pushing for a session.

It does bother me that you mentioned how many of your clients are struggling right now. It felt like you were trying to remind me of what our relationship really is. Even though I think you were just trying to explain lack of openings and also make me feel less alone. I don't know whether to mention that to you? But it felt like a parent saying "These siblings need help instead more than you right now." I don't know how to explain that to you though, because you don't really believe in the transference thing. Maybe it's not a transference thing though, maybe it's just feeling like you were picking them over me? And now you chose me, too.


And I know I should be incredibly grateful that you work Sundays and allow earlier sessions. And I am. But I'm also rather spoiled because you tend to give me what I ask for. So this time, when you initially didn't, it hurt more, because I've become used to it. Which..."maybe it's your fault" seems harsh, but you built up expectations in a way. And recently you mentioned being able to accommodate me when I needed more (though I'd understand if that didn't include Sundays).

Anyway, thank you, and I hope today's session helps and you maybe understand better why I needed it after I talk to you.

Love,
LT

I watched that Vanderpump Rules TV show you tell me about. I watched 10 minutes of it and I was like “wtf?” All they do is heavily drink, make out, and take their clothes off. I’m slightly uncomfortable you are telling me you watch this kind of stuff. I have boundaries too. Not just you.

Hope it's OK to reply, but I think I'd react similarly if I learned my T watched that! Did your T actually recommend it to you?

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. And for adding an hour to your Sunday workday to see me (even if it wasn't a "crisis," just me really struggling). Though I think the most meaningful thing was, when I confirmed via text I was keeping tomorrow, you replied with a thanks then, "Happy Birthday 2u." It's such a little thing, but it meant something.

Love you,

LT

No she didn’t recommend it. But she didn’t tell me I shouldn’t be watching it or that it was inappropriate. She’s talked about it a few times including last Tuesday and I was just curious what the show was like.