Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

29 days without you now.

Get that I have a lot to be grateful for, but I still feel really bad. Cried first thing in the morning. Retake exam coming up and studying is slow.

I'm craving physical contact. I want my mother and I still want you.

Dear T,
Thanks for the supportive reply. And for calling out my mom for being passive-aggressive. Anxious about talking to them in a few hours, but will try to keep your words in my head.
Love,
LT

Dear T this holiday seems to be going on forever. I miss you and cannot wait to talk to you next Thursday. I have been having terrible nightmares and flashbacks for almost a week now.

I look forward to speaking to you on Thursday. It's all been a bit weird, but we need to talk more about how I am going to get through the onslaught of January anniversaries this year.

I’m angry at you. And I know my anger is completely unjust and unfair but I can’t stop feeling it. I’m angry because you left me without any support for four weeks during a time that has been utter hell and I’ve got myself in to the worst state that I’ve been in for a long time. I’m angry that you don’t care enough about me and can just carry on with your life without a second thought about the fact that I may be really struggling. I’m angry that even if I was to contact you to say how much I’m hurting you wouldn’t reply.
And I know I have absolutely no right to feel like this, I’m just your job and you deserve to have a break from work and not think about it and you have boundaries etc and I’m sickeningly ashamed of myself for feeling like this. But I do feel it and it’s s***. So f*****g s***. I hate being angry, I don’t know how to be angry, I’m not allowed to be angry and I just want to stop feeling this. But I can’t. I know this is completely out of line and I’m sorry but I just can’t keep all of this in any longer.
Should I tell you all of this when we meet next? Probably. Will I? No cos I’m gutless and pathetic.

Day 30 without you...

I'm in the hospital on my own and they keep giving me fluids but I feel terrible. I want to call you and I want to cry and I am so afraid. All the women here are already heavily pregnant so there are loads of heart beats in the room.

Apathetic and Detached is where I am at. not much else to say. getting worse maybe, faking being okay yes. want to self harm yes, images yes no action.

2.5 weeks down, only THREE days until i get to sit next to you again. So much reconnecting to do; so much to say.

Now that relentless pain thing i had going on has been dampened down a whole lot, i feel like my head is clearing some too. Like i'm getting a bit of sanity back. I think you'll notice things. I'm walking a bit taller (well, as tall as a shortie like me can), my face is less pale and drawn, I actually smile and MEAN IT sometimes. And i'm being a bit kinder to myself. Because i can, because some of the fog has lifted and my brain is working better.

Last year was such a mess (tho', in pandemic terms, nowhere near as bad for us as pretty much anywhere outside NZ) and therapy - and you - bore the brunt of it. I'm not making any promises, either to you or myself, but i am aiming to do some things differently this year. Even more so, i'm well enough to do some things differently this year. And that feels like a really good starting point.

Dreamt of Y back in the shop.

My heart hurts.

Cried after class.

I know that he was my boss, but he was also my friend. He looked out for me and I knew that he cared about me because of all the small things he did.

noticing more sighing, leg bouncing, apathetic, detached and disconnected. poor to no sleep, and yet i am here and not sure I want to be, be in bed but am not

Are you still there? I mean, whatever, I don't care. If you have forgotten me, I have forgotten you too.

Thanks for keeping my time slot open these 5 weeks. It means a lot to me. Makes me feel like you do want to work with me and am not looking to fire me. I was pretty worried about that.

Dear T,
As much as I wouldn't have wanted to ruin your weekend with my email...there is part of me that would want you to be affected by it in some way. To be concerned about me, something like that. And would want other people in my life affected in some way by similar things, too. I know that's probably natural, but it feels wrong in a way? And I do appreciate that you said you were concerned about how I'd react to the email after you sent it, for fear it had been too blunt regarding my mom. But I think it's what I needed to hear. And I'm used to your bluntness by now! Like I said, though, I had this momentary fear after reading the line "I hope this doesn't sound cold," that it might have been about me (or the therapeutic relationship?). So was relieved that it wasn't.

I feel like I should have been more emotional in session today. But I was also a bit removed from Friday and Saturday. Plus I've found that I tend to be a bit more distanced when there's been a break in sessions, even though this was a pretty short one. Like I'm protecting myself or something. I'll likely be back to my weepy session self Wednesday.
Love,
LT

T, I think you shared too much with me. I know I was the one who asked the questions. I don't think I will ask questions like that again.
The last few days I've noticed I've been really anxious about you , and what you are going through right now. I want to check in on you to see if you're okay. I have resources that may help you get through the next couple of weeks, but know it isn't appropriate to offer them to you. But I am worried about you. And I don't like it.
I want to go back to letting you do the worrying about you.
Please be safe.

32 days without you.

I'm looking forward to it, too.

I’m looking forward to therapy next week. I don’t want you to ask about specific things though. But then again everyone asks and there’s really no way around these questions. Basically you don’t specialize in these issues and maybe we just shouldn’t discuss them. I am working on being more honest though. So if you ask I will tell you.

Oh L - this book - this book is SO deliciously good!!

I made it through your break! Less than 24hrs until session. I laughed when you signed off your email, "See you tomorrow!!" - it was the exclamation marks that did it 'cos you're so not an exclamation marks kinda guy.

I am so looking forward to seeing you.

After my morning call this morning I feel more comfortable talking to you about the things I was hesitant talking about before.

Dear T,
So that sort of bothered me how you characterized the other client. It makes me wonder how you'd describe *me*, particularly physically... Is that something to bring up with you? I don't know. I tend to not see the point in bringing up those sorts of things. Because then I worry it would also lead to a conversation about why it matters how you would characterize me physically. And I don't think I really want to get into that (I suppose it did come up once, but that was a couple years ago).


I appreciate the "take real good care" at the end though. And some other helpful stuff during session.
Love,
LT

Dear T,

I'm really worried about income.

Dear T, I am happy that im seeing you in and hour. I am afraid to ask if i can start seeing you every 2 weeks. I know you will say yes.

Why do I feel as though I'm rebuilding trust with you? It's only been three weeks.
I found that comment quite odd, although you acknowledged that it was dark, I wasn't prepared for quite that dark. Thank goodness you picked up on the extent to which I was holding it together.

I am not ready for this round of anniversaries, especially with that 'milestone' in mind.