Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Hey R,

I like like in my heart it's okay for to me to stop therapy for now.

Written exam on monday.

Just having a little fun there, L.

Yep, I was chomping at the bit to share that Active. I didn't need to talk in depth about any of it, because I've been thinking so deeply about it all already... no offense, of course. I just wanted to share what I've been working with since last week. Thanks for your sweet comments about the afghan I showed you. I'm really tickled with how it's turning out, and because of covid I don't have anybody else I can show it to in person so you get show & tell haha.


So now we begin the decreasing frequency thing that we talked about last week. I'm glad I took a week to think on that as well; it still feels good to me. I appreciate you saying if anything comes up I can call. I knew that already but it is always good to hear you say it. Maybe by 2 weeks from now I'll have more to report about the house thing; we shall see... it's really weird though you know. Enjoying therapy as much as I do, especially lately, yet at the same time feeling good about coming there less often. What can I say, I'm a weirdo.

My thoughts/inner workings woke me up at 2 am and here I sit at my computer just having written you a long email with those inner workings. Why I didn't want to work deeply yesterday with that Active, is because it was still working so deeply on me... and where I have ended up with it all this early morning is what I was writing. I'm not going to send it though, I saved the writing to a word doc instead... I'm just going to hold it all close to my heart and let it continue working on me as I go about living my life over the next 2 weeks and see how it goes.


I know I don't say it anymore, as the burning need to express it all the time has finally gone, but it's still very true, I love and respect you so much.

I understand now that being vulnerable does take a lot of strength. And if people choose to ignore me or hate me in some way, it says much more about them than it does about me.

Thank you for never ignoring me or making me feel small, it means more than I can say.

Can you listen to the song Halls by Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness? It reminds me a lot of you.

It is going to be interesting indeed for me, once I start doing my latest homework, if I will be able to hold it within myself until we meet again and not email you. I think I can. But that's what this is about, I guess, for me anyway, seeing how it goes eh? Aaaaand I can always write here.

You are the absolutely only reason I don’t want to move. It’s so unhealthy and you don’t even know how bad my relationship is with you. I will spend all day in bed thinking about how much the video sessions suck. If I could just get the nerve to terminate I’d feel so so much better. But I am just stuck.

I feel all over the place.

Trying to watch a stream of an online performance. I keep having to go away and come back to it. I really want to see it, and this is my only opportunity to do so, but it's touching every available nerve.

Please can you just read Carolyn Spring’s book. You’re the one who recommended it to me so I assumed you had read it but now I know you haven’t, making references to it seems pointless as you won’t understand what I’m talking about. I relate to this book SO much and think it would really give you a much better understanding of me if you read it and it would massively improve the work we do together.

I took more meds then I was supposed to 3 times this week. I feel out of control sometimes. Maybe you will tell me to go IP and yeah I’ll agree to go. I need to see you on Tuesday first.

T, so much pain.

Passed the first half- just need to cram for thursday now.

I’m ready to talk tomorrow. About my transference with you. About my med situation. About my eating habits.

I am ready now to discuss these things. I don’t know if it’s change in hormones which was how the transference started and now that I’m at every week instead of every other weeks it’s made a difference. But I am legit ready to talk.

I don’t know if we have to terminate. I really don’t. but I just need to say stuff I’ve been holding in for months.

Hopefully changing tack this week will have the desired effect. I'm tired of talking about our relationship and going round in circles on stuff that has no real resolution. We both know it's often a distraction and way of avoiding talking about the reality of my childhood. I know you care and i need to hold onto that knowing and refocus my attention in therapy back onto the two people who did all the damage in the first place. (I might need a bit of hand-holding -- literally and metaphorically -- to get through some of it)

I’m trying to figure out how to talk to you about really heavy topics with a handy man standing right outside the door! I hope he’s gone and I’m not totally distracted by the time we meet.

No, I haven't done any of the homework yet. I will though, and you absolutely have my word on that! After today I have 5 days off work in a row so I have already scheduled myself some time to work on it... I already know which one I'm going to start with, even. The Irish pub one.

Gotta say, I'm curious as to what "the Irish pub one" is.

I made that list. I started working on one of the items. It's a really long list.

I could tell you were hesitating about breaking the no contact out of session rule. Even though I wasn’t the one talking about outside contact. You kept hesitating before telling me to have my mom email you. Boundaries are a weird thing. Especially ours.

Dear T: sorry I had to send you the picture of my wrist. I just needed to know if I had messed up or not. Or if my 381 days is still in tact. If I messed up then you know, forget it, I'm going to really do some damage, but if I didn't mess up then I'll stay the course. Please let me know. Kit

Dear T: Wow, thanks for the quick reply. I'm glad it was a near miss and my days are in tact. Kit

Oh, haha, I wasn't intentionally cryptic it just came out that way. I had a dream where I met the same guy in an Irish pub 3 times in a row. But that's all there was to the dream, so I'm supposed to do an Active Imagination with it and find out more about the guy, who he might be, 'talk' to him. My dreams recently (I should check my notebook and see how far back) have changed - they are very short now, to the point, usually one-subject dreams as opposed to the super long, wildly convoluted and disorganized ones I always had in the past. L commented a couple-3 times about how long they used to be, since they started being short.