Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Not sure what you would say, but started smoking CBD, drinking a beer and so much have been having coming and going thougths of self harm. And yet, right now, I am not in that place. But i kinda wish I was. its like I am looking through a window and can see it all and so want to be a part of it. and yet this is so not me. see you thursday. what will i say ? what will I actually tell you? probably nothing. .....

Hey L. I am kinda proud of myself this morning, I went to bed early last night (like really early) because I was coming down with the cold that is full-blown this morning, and of course that meant I woke up super early this morning. I paced the house for a bit, then took a hot shower, then tried to go back to sleep but ended up with so much going around in my head I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. But I calmed myself down, by taking some deep breaths and connecting with that internalized version of you that I told you about the other day, I swear once I did I heard your voice so clearly saying "See, Artie, this version of me is here whenever you need." Now I'm up, got ready for work, and cooked myself a yummy hot breakfast. Go me.

Dear T, hold steady please. This is huge for me.

I didn’t really think about you today. I was busy using the coping skills on my safety plan. And now I’m just thinking about the session and how it will go. I have an email sent just to myself about what went on this week and how I’ve felt everyday. I think you’ll be happy that I had urges a couple night but I didn’t act on them. I used rationalizing and deep breathing. One particular night I was really happy that I was able to rationalize a thought so well. So yeah I’ve been handling things better. I just hope my stomach doesn’t hurt the way it does now.

Intrusive thoughts are back. It's been a while and I'm not sure what's triggered it. My dreams are all over the place too. The odd lovely one then nights of horrific ones and full on night terrors. I struggle to sleep at the best of times but this is draining the life outta me. Admittedly one part of me just wants to utch up with my head on your chest for some quiet time, but mostly i wish we could continue working together. At least then the dreams were less extreme and felt ike they served some purpose.

I’m sorry for reaching out like that. I hope you reply but also understand if you can’t. I don’t even mean that, please reply! Please say it’s ok! I feel like I’m genuinely losing my mind! I swear I wasn’t being manipulative, it is genuinely something that’s making it difficult. I really wish I could come to your office, I need a sanctuary.

"Being a human is pretty much the hardest thing to be."

You have been wandering in and out of my thoughts all day today.

You are concerned about me but I’m just like “well, yeah.” A week ago I’d be over the moon that you were concerned with me and telling me to go to the doctor. Now I’m honestly not even really thinking of you. Not the way I was a week ago. There is for sure a lot of improvement in the last few days regarding how I feel about you and my general moods. You are starting to become the regular therapist I felt about pre March 2020.

When you showed me the thing you made I was so happy to see it! I can’t believe you made it especially for my gift...it’s so nice. I got all warm and fuzzy. Weird feeling, but I love it. Thank you.

Please reply, I feel like an idiot.

So H just started a sentence talking to me like this: "In your pea brain, you probably can't understand..." which definitely did not go as he thought it would. I got pissed off, interrupted him and told him not to speak to me that way. He then said something like "I thought you'd know it was a joke, in the future I won't put my foot in my mouth." to which I responded "good, because if you do I'll put my foot up your ***." I need to be unfiltered more often, don't you think?

I know it's not customary to reply to this thread, but I like ballsy Artie! Unfiltered Artie needs to come out to play much more often.

Dear T,
Thanks for the support today. I think D's teacher may have gotten H to agree the 5-day option. Which I think is good? But of course I'm still unsure about it...

I'm glad you're getting the second dose tomorrow (though isn't it a day early?) But I'm also just assuming you'll be canceling Friday's session, because so many people have strong reactions to the second dose. I doubt you'd want to be talking to me while experiencing a headache, chills, fever, and nausea (I imagine you could deal with the sore arm part, being a pro athlete and all). I'm just trying to tell myself you'll cancel, then be pleasantly surprised if you don't. At least it's at 11 am, so I won't have to wonder all day.

There's this part of me that wants to take care of you if you're not feeling well, but of course I can't tell you that...

Anyway, I'm sad I may not see you Friday, because I'll likely want to talk about the decision we made on school. But I can get through it if needed. I'll just miss you and your support.

Love you,
LT

I feel like crap.

H has been trying every day this week so far to get an appointment for his 1st covid vaccine at that place you told me about that's doing his age group but there are no appointments available at all every time he or I check. Apparently the word is out and widespread. if you want to text my appt reminder early again please, be my guest, I welcome it today.

She wasn’t so frozen today, the little part....she was listening to you, she liked it when you said you were hugging her through the screen, she liked it when you said we could play with some of the toys and games in the room, that she can come next week too. She was brave enough to lift her head to find her soft toy leopard, I think she’s starting to trust you. I’m going to buy her something this week, she deserves it. There’s a hoody with unicorns on she keeps looking at. Maybe we’ll wear it next week. I need to look after her, don’t I...stop hating her. I find it frustrating being hijacked all the time, it feels like such a waste of sessions....I just want to be able to talk to you instead of hiding in a silent ball. Maybe next week.

If I had to choose between losing weight and continuing to see you, I’d honestly choose losing weight. Probably why you say you’d switch me if I were to stay here.

Lately, I sense you are frustrated with my inability or resistance to feeling and expressing emotions. It seems like every time we start making progress on an issue it comes down to me blocking negative emotions. Maybe I am projecting my own frustrations onto you. I know asking if you are frustrated will yield a response that essentially says you are not frustrated. I know that would be the therapists response since you are not supposed to feel nor share emotions with clients. However. for me it would be better to know that there is something going on and that I am okay with identifying emotions in others since I struggle with that as well. For you to deny what I am perceiving if the feelings are really there, reinforces my belief that I should avoid being open with my feelings and emotioms.

Dear T: Okay so I promised I wouldn't do that thing until after our appointment on Saturday. So you better show up on Saturday because otherwise my promise will have to get extended and I'm not really willing to go past 48 hours. Got it? Good. See you Saturday. HUGS Kit

Dear T: Oh, could you please text me back? Thanks, Kit

Honestly, I miss you a lot today and I wish I had gotten an email from you even though I know you couldn’t. You didn’t even know anyways since I didn’t bring it up on Tuesday.

Dear T,
I hope you're feeling well enough after today's shot to meet tomorrow morning. I'm just telling myself you won't be in an attempt to avoid disappointment, but I think I still will be disappointed if you cancel. Even if I completely understand.

And it's not that I'm in really urgent need of seeing you (like if you cancel, I wouldn't ask about Sunday)--I mostly just want to update you on some things, like the school decision and my now seeing the cardiologist Tuesday. Well, and talk about my rather intense anxiety regarding the second one (and my doctor replying to my email with "I suggest you see a cardiologist"). But it could also wait till Monday if needed. That and something I'm trying to figure out how to process from yesterday's session, seemingly contradictory things you said. OK, so, if, we're able to talk tomorrow, that would be good. I just feel like with my appointment being at 11 and, from what I've read, main effects from second dose coming 12-24 hours later, I'm not holding out much hope.

For your own sake, I hope you don't feel too awful.

Love,

LT

Hey T,

I am doing my best trying to get a job, etc. I am really depressed, but I won't let the depression win. Anyway.

Thank you for introducing me to Dr. Edith Eger's work.

'I don't have that kind of godly power.'



There are so many layers to my anger.