Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Testing testing =I wanted to see if you would email back. If you hadn't I would have left.

24 hours... hope you're ready for this.

I keep thinking about how I am responding to all of this and the reddit thread of "am I the a**hole" I think I am. I really hope this works out as it sounds in your email. I'll keep an eye on the payments.

Dear T,
Do I send you an email? I don't know...

Maybe the question is, do I send you an email about stuff from session today, the stuff that's bothering me? Or perhaps not about that, but other stressors right now, like the anniversary that's tomorrow and what may be going on with my friend right now? Or...all of the above? I talked to H about some of it, and it helped. But I didn't address the anniversary. I'll see how I feel in an hour or so... or else early tomorrow morning.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Also, I'm looking at other T's. In case you can't properly manage helping me pull back and deal with the attachment and dependence. Because I didn't feel too confident about that after today. Maybe I will need to consult with someone, even for just a session or two. I don't know. Maybe I wait to see how things go on Friday, what you say about thoughts about how to help me be less dependent. Just...worried. And the fact that you suggested the stuff with ex-MC was because I held onto him too tightly? Like it was on me, not him? That also bothers me....
Love,

--LT

Is it Wednesday 4pm yet????? So ready.

T: I've lost all hope. I will keep talking to you I guess, I just don't think it'll help me anymore. I'm sorry if I am a disappointment.

because you wont reply with something, I guess if i want a reply I have to ask for it, and really dont want to do that. it kind defeats the purpose. I am not sure if i like being cc on the emails between you and the coordinator as my first response was a bit harsh in your opinion as you called me out on it, and while I did not see anything wrong with it, i yet again feel that I am not allowed to have anger regarding this authorization process. i dont feel I directed it at the coordinator but just in general as THE VA is whom and what I truly am angry with as they screw me over so many times. I like the fact that the coordinator is getting progress made on the steps to getting your credentials approved and yet i dont want to get my hopes up either.

I wish I could be truly honest with you, I sometimes feel that, while Iam not able to be completely present in my most adult mind, and honestly feel it will always be, that maybe therapy is a waste now. I go between times of hope that I can work on this and be more present, but when I hear you say, I look forward to the day that you can be 100 % present all the time and know that your an adult now, I just feel bad. When I am not in my most adult self and haivng a day of emotions and anger, mostly, and at time sadness and just cry, and you mention that these are of the past emotions as the presently there is nothing going on to make you feel this way, I know and cant help it. That makes me angry. Sometimes I feel this anger is towards you. I hate that it is that it feels that way.

i am not sure what it is that I want. i miss you but dont.

Paid for 4 sessions up front. Now none of the drama if I will turn up or not.

Only 13 topics left to get through for the first time. (Just reading and making anki cards- nothing actually memorized.) Then the powerpoint and essay to still write up.

Dear T,
I keep starting to write you an email, either actual typing or just in my head, but I'm not sure what to say. The more I think about some stuff you said, the more it bothers me. Like the thing about ex-MC, for one. But I feel it's stuff that we need to talk though, that shouldn't be handled over email.


But also today is a difficult anniversary for me (of course, you'd probably say the thing about how I only remember negative anniversaries). And one of my usual supports won't be available. So part of me wants some sort of contact with you. I sort of wish I'd just left today's appointment instead of moving it a day early.


But I don't really know what to say or what to ask for. So, I suppose I won't say anything at all...
Love,
LT

Was it weird when I was touching you yesterday? I wish I was with you right now.

thanks for the 'see you at 4pm' text earlier. i like it when you send them. hint hint.

Wow, L. I'd better be careful what I ask for, huh. I have a feeling you can be pretty tough when you wanna be.

I so wish I could have had a hug today.

T: I can't do it anymore. I want you to help me, I just don't believe you can.

I think that i was hoping that you'd say something to the email i sent and still nothing, i guess when you said we would not be able to see each other until the authorization is processed it truly meant no contact at all.?! I am numb, and so unable to feel anything anymore. I think that i am trying to feel something but nothing, just numb, blank emptiness. Maybe i have in a sense erased you. Its still a huge mountain in my head, while you see it as a small ant hill, this hasnt been easy. I have tried to email you a few times, but keep deleting them, as i start to talk myself out of the reason. I tell myself that your not going to respond so what's the point. I cant talk to you so who cares. And i hit delete. I convince myself to withdraw, distance and dissociate from you. And yet its not your fault. I know that, but i continue to feel it is.

I am so relieved that we are creating an actual concrete plan. How did you know I had been planning to ASK for just that? Maybe my email from last week clued you in? I'm glad I got brave enough to mention Saturday's email and how I felt about it. That was hard. There's SO much damn shame around my weight. So much. I want to be healthy. I do. Thank you for saying that you care about me. I appreciate it more than you know. It's just so hard for me to accept that caring.

something has changed in you as a t.


i like the change.

I guess i am still processing this no contact, not like when we were seeing each other you responded to emails in between sessions , but although there was no response atleast you and i would meet via telehealth ....today would of been the day, our time has past. And it is just realizing how much it will hurt when the day comes that you retire. I am not ready for therapy to end. Though at this rate and having experienced this now, its a consideration. Only because i am not able to emotionally handle this like the grown up adult i look like. You had said in the last 15 min of session that your still here, it so does not feel like it. I feel as if you have moved on. I get the updates that you and the coordinator send but what is that suppose to do for me. Doesnt help. Still under the impression this will be 90 days plus. How are qe suppose to start were we left off? I can feel that my system has adapted to this hurt, pain etc. Though it is not present day, because if i knew that it would not feel like it does. Hate this. Being aware of it does not change anything wish it did. If i let myself have a moment to sit with the facts that we are not seeing you due to authorization issue its starts out okay, and the emotions take over no matter how hard i try to reason. It feels like hirt, pain and abandonment. Its a horrible cycle. ...getting to adapt and deal i guess.

In. Pain.

Caused? By you.

Dear T,
I imagine you wouldn't be surprised to know I'm looking for new T's right now. I hope you realize that it's not really just about the email, but about feeling deceived by you about it. And just...other stuff, too. I don't think I'll keep tomorrow's session, but I'll see how I feel in the morning. This pathetic part of me wishes you'd email to ask me to come talk things through. But I know you won't because of your boundaries (and yes, I know, chasing is probably not a good thing). But maybe I just need a little distance? And maybe you do as well? Plus the money thing, but I'd likely only do a half session anyway.
--LT

Isn't it annoying that our session couldn't happen because the clinic IT didn't send me the teletherapy link? Hopefully they'll have it fixed by tomorrow.


I do sorta wish you'd have called to confirm our appointment for tomorrow, but I can understand why you didn't call, too, since I'd already set it up with the receptionist.

going numb and withdrawn more and more everyday. dont feel your really there anymore. when we actually have a session I am not sure I am going to beable to really tell you what was going on.

you are right, that was a lot. I want you to be able to help me, I just don't think you can.

I’m probably over sensitive and have unrealistic expectations (because you can’t read my mind), but I felt like you dismissed what I wanted to talk about yesterday and pushed me to take all emotion out of my emotion. I felt like you were cold and like you don’t care about me at all. Maybe I pissed you off. Maybe I’m starting to be annoying and you look forward to ending my sessions. Maybe I’m just overreacting. I ****ing hate video sessions so much! It’s been so long and there’s no end in sight!