Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Well, I'm kind-of embarrassed that I told you you're sexy in an email. But then, I'm glad I said it, too, because it's true. For a woman almost 70, you really are sexy.

Maybe I should just lie about the things I still do that you don’t like. That may be best for right now so you don’t hate me even more than I think you already do.

Called my old best friend in tears- honestly it did help. I'm grateful to have her and the others back in my life .

I know I'm scared, but I'm doing whatever I can. Worse case scenario- I repeat the exam.

Significant upheaval. If somebody expresses anger around me, I endeavour to remove myself from the situation. This time, I am feeling the anger, so I cannot remove myself from the situation. Help?

Hey

I've received all my records that were obtained for board complaint and lawsuit w former T. I've been reading all of it the past 3 days. Very intense experience reading peoples obversations of my behavior and attitudes. A lot of eye opening stuff tbh. Also very difficult to read former Ts therapy notes in the entirety.

Dear T,
That thing you said about how you'd make room for me in your schedule to accommodate my needs, that meant a lot. And makes me feel less afraid of reducing sessions. Because I also get the sense you might be willing to work with me financially if needed.
Love,
LT

I know you were trying to do the "right" thing, but I don't think you have to look any deeper than your soul to decide what's appropriate and what isn't.

Dear T,
It occurs to me that if I spend considerably less on beer, which I want to do anyway, I could afford to keep seeing you at least 2 full and 1 half sessions a week after the discounted rate ends (but maybe we could meet in the middle on that)? It would be an added incentive to reduce drinking. And therapy is more healthy (physically and mentally) than beer...

Maybe this was intentional, but your saying I don't need to feel any shame if I can't cut back during while COVID is still going on...that made me feel more determined to cut back. Maybe because I'm less afraid of failure, because I know you'd support me either way? And not judge me? Same with increasing exercise. In other words, you're sort of being the anti-my mom.


Love,
LT

I meet with you in 8 minutes and I’m super spacey and lethargic from a night of a lot of melatonin and then a milligram of Xanax an hour ago and I am terrified you are gonna notice how out of it I am and from what.

Meeting for a walk through the woods tomorrow. One of us will £uck this up for up for sure. We have trouble negotiating our way through an indoors session, never mind navigating streams and mud and thorns.

holy crap, how is tomorrow Wednesday again already?!

These bad thoughts happen mostly at night. I swear it’s a med reaction of some type. I’ve had years of bad issues end up being med reactions.

oh yeah L - btw happy 9 year thera-versary. I think it's today anyway. Guess I'll drag out my box of therapy notebooks and check.

eta: oops I forgot, it's grown to 2 boxes full of spiral notebooks now!!

Glad I have a session tomorrow......

You keep telling me "there's a reason" that you can't get COVID, but what you don't know (or realize, I guess) is that Google is a powerful tool and I know your secrets.

See you Friday.

Sent you the summary, though not what I was expecting. i feel its so much more. Thursday, wow 30 days. and not feeling better yet now feeling worse. it will hit once our session is over. bad thing is, my stuffing my urges to drink is making it more and more likely within the next 30 days I will. Parenting still stuffing everything I want to say and do way down and biting my tongue. Partly why I am here writing because I want to say something to my son, and wont. No one to talk to. And on top of it I get these periods of paranoia. And I want to act on that and know it will damage everything. So I sit in silence. And I want to drink. I truly come out and say how things are here, and when I sign off I go about the day, work, and be with the kids as if i am not thinkng a damn thing. WOW! as i write urge to self harm. nails up and down my arms. and yet cant muster the strenght to do it. But a drink is tempting to go out and get. Only 10pm. this is not good. So when I start to feel, I guess I tend to go towards feeling, depressed. when I dont think about this all, I feel FINE. Nothing is wrong. So what is reality?? Am I depressed or fine.?? Is it just that I am dwelling on stuff that I cant control and have no say in, or is it more so just life? no idea what i am going to say or do thursday. Urge for drink is getting stronger. need to end this. its what I would tell you. and yet i feel its all still a lie. I am faking it all. why and what is the point??

Dear therapist: Enjoyed my therapy with you. I believe you truly listened to me and I am grateful.

Dear T... yesterday I was so euphoric yet today I'm passively suicidal. Help. I know I sent a lot of emails yesterday because I was in a reflective mood. I just feel terrible now because I think about my family will be celebrating the shared birthday but won't miss me.

I don't feel well today. I feel icky and bad.

I left because you stopped replying to my emails especially the stupid needy ones then because of the stuff I told you last week.

I don't need anyone.

Soooo.... where do we go from here?

Dear T,
When you asked me if the increase in my drinking was around the time of D's diagnosis, you were holding your hand on the side of your head in a really odd position and kept it there during that part of the conversation. Perhaps you just had a headache, but I wonder if it was some sort of...almost protective or self-conscious body language related to the topic with my D?

Also, I'm very curious as to what was in those pictures and the painting behind you today. Was it obvious that I was distracted by them at first? I do wonder if that's your bedroom. The other times you were there, I couldn't see anything but closet doors in the background, so less to figure out. I almost want to ask for a warning when you send me the Zoom link if you'll be in a location other than your regular office. Would that be weird to ask for?


Love,
LT

You’d freak the **** out if you knew I bought slim fast today. But why won’t you accept the fact that I do need to lose weight?

thanks L, that was fun going through some of my dreams from 2011. it's funny how they felt so ALIVE still when I read them out loud. i guess our dreams stay with us, huh? and then we talked briefly about that recent dream with the black dog... and as I was walking to my car, your neighbor's black dog ran over into your yard.... hello synchronicity

I’m angry at you for getting my hopes up about things that didn’t happen. Don’t know how to talk to you about this, so it’s just festering inside.