Couch 222: Create, Cooperate, Harmonize

Your T is so cold... hugs if wanted. You've so much grief to hold and he's so very cold. I understand attachment, it's hard even when it's so painful. You deserve better.

I get that, Lemon, I really do. I was extremely angry with my T during the worst of the COVID surge last Spring. I felt like I had to fire him but I didn't think I could tolerate being without him in the middle of all that chaos and uncertainty, so I stuck with it and here we are.

T said this morning that he consulted with a colleague and we might be able to do teletherapy for a year if I were able to be safe (like very firmly saying no to SI and SH) and I am planning to come back to the city where I currently live after a year of fellowship on the other coast.

I just don't know.

That sounds like an ultimatum to me, Chihiro. Is there a chance you could see this as an opportunity and try to find someone who has a more nuanced understanding of your history? (i.e. not 'playing the role of the sick person')

Continuity of care sounds like a good thing, but is your current T still a good fit?

I think promising not to SH at all before you're ready to stop yourself can just add more pressure. Would you be able to tell him if you had?

Maybe a year with someone else would help?

Currently on amazon browsing chocolate.

This could get dangerous.

Hm...the having to guarantee you'll stay safe would bother me. How do you feel about it? Maybe you could keep seeing him for a bit after your move until you find a T on the other coast that seems like a good fit?

Yeah, that's the thing -- the problem with this potential new arrangement is that it disincentivizes me from being honest about those issues if they do arise. I don't really think he thought that through.

Also I honestly don't know if I plan to move back to this city after a year of fellowship. I just don't. This is supposed to be the one seriously good thing about being so ugly and off-putting that no one will in love with me and pop out a couple of kids with me: I can go wherever the eff I want.

Maybe see another T and keep this one on the back burner?

I don't think you're ugly C, but you can still go/work wherever you want regardless.

Just back from my latest covid test (pre-travel).

I filled the tube with saliva in 3 minutes--a personal best!

That's my girl!



How many tests have you had?

Four. All of them saliva tests.

and lemon--there is no therapist so good that 44.50 British pounds (I can't make the symbol on my keyboard) isn't better than the therapist.

chihiro, personally I'd take the opportunity to find a therapist who does less collateral damage to you.

Extracting a promise to not engage in SI or SH is a recipe for disaster (and suggests a complete misunderstanding of SI and SH -- as though one can simply turn those off by force of will??). You can always go back to that dude if you do return to your current city, and if you don't return to that city, you're just delaying the inevitable. I think the chance that you can find somebody else who is more helpful at getting you where you want to be is quite high.

Aww my little baby all grown up and spitting like a pro.

I did go to session today. It made me realize that it was the right choice to stop now. There was a lot of crying from me and a "we can compromise on email" but it feels too much too late after this week.

Amazon have my sister's favourite chocolate by the company Tony's Chocolonely on sale right now. I could buy her 16 bars with that. All I want is Ferrero rochers but can't justify the price when I'm in store- that will be my Christmas gift to myself. Do you guys get them in the US?

EM did you make that photobook in the end?

I'm glad you're feeling settled on a decision, Lemon. I think all the back and forth is just really hard to go through.

Tony's Chocolonely is amazing stuff, as is Ferrero Rocher! (Then again, I'll eat just about anything with chocolate in it, so I'm hardly a discerning consumer)

In the words of the first Mc Dreamy's wife " I had to come back to see that it was right to leave."

I got so many good quotes from Grey's.

I love their Pretzel bar the most! I'm not on Frasier Crane's level either, but better quality chocolate is worth paying for. I watched his documentary the Owner did trying to get Cadbury and Nestle to make a 100% slave free bar in time for the Charlie and the chocolate factory movie and when they wouldn't do it he set up his own company.Have you tried Green & Black?

They have a few chocolate and cheese subscription boxes. I could see myself eating through £22 worth of cheese a month so I haven't signed up.

Omg this geneticist has primo taste in TV shows

I finished all three seasons of Norsemen on Netflix (which, okay, I would NOT recommend to many people on this forum because it is pretty gory and a lot of the jokes are insensitive to the point of being potentially quite triggering but it's clever and funny as all get-out) and then he recommended The IT Crowd which is a British comedy which is also pretty darn funny.

I hope this date tonight goes well--I'm really sick of having great first dates and then nothing panning out.

I'm not sure if I am actually in crisis or if it is all in my head! Not feeling well emotionally again today. I really wanted to call out of work for a mental health day but both of the other people who cover the phones are off on furlough so I felt like I couldn't, plus my parents would have been all over my case since I'm not actually sick to take a day off of work. Debating about seeing whether T has any appointments tomorrow but then I'm worried I'll wake up and feel fine. I have no idea what is going on with me! Sigh.

I'm really sad.

Trigger warning for loss of a pet:

You sure do get a lot of dates, given how you're so ugly and off-putting. Could it be that you're not quite as hideous as you describe yourself?

Unclear. I am so past being able to know anything about myself -- my self-perception is totally screwed.

(Also I am on a dating app, which makes dates happen.)

I also loved the IT crowd. Think you might like Peep show too. I met the guy who played Mark.

"Just because it's in your head doesn't mean it's not real" Paraphrased badly from Albus Dumbledore.

I think ultimately you know yourself best.If you think you're in crisis you most likely are. I think it would be better to ask for the extra session just in case.

Are you safe right now?