Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T, I hope you are okay and back at the clinic. I do have allot to talk to you about and I hope you will get intouch with me next week. I see you on May 5th so that is not far away. It's been a whole month of not seeing you and it's been tough. I understand if you do not call me because with you being gone out of the office you will probably be busy with other clients. I care about you and thank you for all the help you have given me. Hugs Cheryl

I am really appreciative that you made the time to see me three times this week. If we had just met on Tuesday and Wednesday, I don’t know that I would have made it to next week. Thursday ended on a slightly more positive note, so I’m hopeful that I’ll be okay over the weekend. I’m not doing great currently, but I’m hanging in there. I’m not glad that I’m going through this, but if I have to do it, I’m thankful that it’s with you.

Hey L. I love that you have been having candles burning while I'm there lately, so calming for me and the scents you pick are ones that I have in my own house, so that's awesome too. My shirt smells so good still. Thanks for your thoughts today.

Soo... I'm wondering about something. Thinking back on my session today I recall that you said something again about how I've been "doing this for a long time" just like last week. What's up with that? Are you getting tired of me after all? Dropping hints or something?


Or am I just thinking too much?

Yesterday I went to a small dinner with some of my other groupies. I normally always usually decline invites, but I went and it was nice. I left early at 9pm though whilst they were sitting down to watch a movie. I didn't want to walk home alone too late.

Still on a post exam high.I know that I'm actually quiet happy when I don't have the stress of exams looming over me. With surgery done now I feel like I have hope. Hope that I can graduate and get this degree over and done with. Hope that I can move on with my life on and onto the next chapter. ((Hopefully in Ireland))

Just two more exams to go and I'm done.

Next exam will be from the 24th of May.

Plan to today is just to stay in bed and clean.

T,

It's really hard to face the fact my parents legitimately rather I stay mired in self loathing and deep unhappiness, tried their best to ensure I'd never have supportive friends so I'd never develop self worth, and happily authorised so many people to abuse me. Society and sometimes even fellow survivors say parents love their children so they "tried their best with what they know"... but that genuinely isn't my reality. Some parents enjoy harming their children for fun and relish the hurt caused.

Dear T,
I think I figured out what's really bothering me about the rate thing (unfortunately, I figured it out at like 4 am while lying wide awake). It feels arbitrary.

Had you said something like, "I know I have more a bunch more clients now, so it seems like I'm making more money. But I need to start making payments on my PPP loan now, so your rate will need to go back up." Or "Your D is back in school now, so you're able to take on more work, so that's why it's going back up." Or any number of explanations. I'm a very understanding person. Now, if it was like, "I've decided to buy a BMW" or "I'm saving for a big vacation," I'd likely be less understanding.

Yes, I know you don't *owe* me an explanation, but *something* would be helpful.

I think the reason it matters is that in my head, I think I've come to equate the reduced rate as a sign of you caring. So it feels like if you can arbitrarily stop a reduced rate, then you could arbitrarily change the level of caring. And I suppose I also feel like the money matters to you more than my support right now. Which I know is not fair. You have to make a living. You deserve to be compensated fairly for your time.

And I also worry you're getting tired of me and hoping this will push me to twice a week more quickly. I know it's up to me, but you still seemed a bit like, "Oh...OK" when I said I wanted to wait till after May to start the reducing. But like we talked about, everything is starting to change right now, and if I also have to deal with a reduction in sessions in the midst of all that, it feels like too much. I'll want your support as I ease back into the world. I think only once I'm back in it to some extent will I then be able to say "OK, I'm ready to start reducing now." But right now, it all just seems like this overwhelming process. And I want to know you'll be there with me to help me through it.

Love,
LT

Oh boy, T. I just sent you a big ***** long email with thoughts resulting from yesterday's session. So, so embarrassing. It's gonna be so very uncomfortable discussing it next week but I want to anyway. I'm not asking for therapy via email but please please at least acknowledge that you read it and you get it and we'll talk about it next week. Something. Pretty please with sugar on top?

Love,

me

I am at a loss of words. I feel myself resorting to old behaviors, drinking, smoking weed. 3 of my favorites weed, CBD and Alcohol. nice mix. I know that there is not responses from my emails, and there is never. Not sure why I set myself up thinking that maybe you would respond this time vs before. I know the cycle and I cant break it. after sending email you dont respond and I tend to regret and then it starts the disconnection. that is where I am. disconnecting, i dont remember much from session in fact i dont remember anything. My email talked of being honest with you, but here I am drinking and smoking and dont plan on telling you what the **** do you care anyways.

Dear T,
Survived lunch with my parents, even somehow outlasted D? When I first walked up to the table, I almost started crying and wanted to run away, but I pushed on. Even managed to eat at one point. I did have your stone in my pocket, and I touched it a couple times to give me strength. It helped.


This doesn't mean I'm ready to be back in the world yet, OK? I still need your support...quite a bit. Actually, I'm not sure it's a back in the world vs. support. I will need your support whilst venturing back into the world and to help keep me on that path.


Love,
LT

I’m sorry. I tried.

sitting outside in the wind yesterday:

wind blow through my soul
chasing out what I don’t need
room for good to grow

i want to start telling you lies. want to make it sound like nothing bothers me. it would be so much better than suffering in silence. I try to tell you in emails but no reponse. I wish I could blame it on the move. but you were like this before hand. Funny thing is when we started 7 years ago, you were responsive to emails and texts. and then one day you seemed to of had it. No more responding but here and there and lately nothing. so ... what I wish I could tell you is that I have no idea what good this is doing because I can get this from my own mom, I text and call and she doesnt respond, sound familiar!!! I think your not responding hurts more. I have no one in my life and it makes me really thing that it is better alone. I have about 8 years until my youngest moves out, and then it will truly just be me. Will you still be here? Probably not, its my prediction. and neither will my mom because she never is. Maybe living out of my car in 8 years sounds like a great idea. I can go and do anything i want and have no contact with anyone. live out of my car and go hiking with a small dog that I will adopt I think.Looking forward to that.

Pdoc,
Your meds work, so I don't want to take them but I have to.

T,

The grief is heavy and I don't feel I can talk about it with anyone except you. Friends mean well but they can get triggered or think they need to cheer me up or give "tough love". Some things can only be carried and what I need is a compassionate witness, not solutions or platitudes.

Kinda wish we could meet twice this week.

I've been reading some other James Hollis stuff after that quote you read me the other day. How about this one: “This is an example of what Jung called “the regressive restoration of the persona,” namely, the re-identification with a former position, role, ideology because it offers a predictable content, security, and script. In the face of the new and uncertain, we often return to the old place, which is why we so often stop growing. (It has become clear to me, for example, that aging itself does not bring wisdom. It often brings regression to childishness, dependency, and bitterness over lost opportunities.”

Is that what I'm doing? Re-identifying with childhood roles and such?!

Another day where I’m left wondering how much of what I’m thinking about right now I can realistically fit into an hour’s conversation, especially since it’s related to the email I sent you which we didn’t get to discuss this week, but it’s a different topic altogether.
I also feel like I’ve hit a brain block and the recovery I ultimately want seems impossible. I concede I could just be being fatalistic, though. As the saying goes, it always seems impossible until it’s done. I hope that’s the case with me.
Just for fun: if I was allowed to live with you, would you indulge me if I wanted to watch stuff like Ghost Hunters and true crime documentaries? Not that I’ve even noticed a TV in your house, come to think of it. You’re probably too busy to justify having one.

Difficult night last night - tried to see whether I could just put my head down and go to sleep.

That wasn't going to happen. The anger is like relentless background noise, exacerbated by my current writing project. I know nobody has my feet to the fire over this, but parts of it are getting slippery.

They knew. They told me that they knew, and I still let them do it.


I have by William The Conqueror on repeat.

Dear R,

I honestly can't remember from the top of my head, whether this is week 11 or 12. I don't think it matters anymore. I'm actually doing okay.

Only thing is with G the other T you can see his full schedule online all the way until june and book whenever. His first opening now would be the 4th of may- but I feel okay and don't want/ need a session. The issue would be if I want a session but he's already fully booked .

Dear T,
I feel like there's such a ridiculous amount to fill you in on regarding this past weekend, there's no way I could fit it all in one session. And I had a realization about why the rate going up may really be bothering me, too, but I suppose I'll save that for Wednesday. Or, I guess I'll see how it goes today. But having so much to talk about also makes it difficult to think of dropping a session a week.

Love,
LT

Does it even really matter to you? Is every week just a waste of close to two hours of both our time? I don't get this therapy thing.

Dr. K. Please be nice. Thanks Kit.

Dear T,
Pretty sure you were wiping tears away a few times when I talked about the one topic today. You seem personally affected by it, and this isn't the first time. I wonder if something happened with a client or possibly a friend, from the one example you gave. It feels like you're letting me see a more tender, vulnerable side of you. But I feel like I can't acknowledge it in words, as you looked almost embarrassed when I happened to look up as you were wiping your eyes the one time. I paused for a second, but then did my best to just carry on talking as I had been.

Besides, I suppose it could have been just the pollen or something.

Love,
LT

Never mind...