Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

WOW! Your moving 3 hrs away, and will not be doing in person visits before you move. I think I will continue to do virtual, just not sure how long. The way you said this to me makes me wonder if your going to only keep me until the 12 month authorization needs to be renewed. I guess you would be starting a new practice there in your new city per different sites I noticed you have changed your location already. You asked if I felt this was done decientfully and I dont know. Thought now as I think about it I wonder possibly. Doesnt matter. I am never seeing you in person again. The question is what will change...the obvious is that nothing for now, until everything starts to open up and I am here seeing you over my computer screen. Had told you in Dec /Jan that I was struggling with not seeing you weekly, the monthly thing was hard. The computer is making me feel less connected to you. Is it not evident in telling you I cant email and I deleted them or that I start a text only to delete too. Its not that I ret hink about what I have to say its because I feel your not going to respond. All this hurt I got over in Feb. Our first appointment starting weekly and now your moving. I feel that I cant keep doing this. And yet i am not ready to let you go. Starting to really feel truly let down, you always said things that made me believe that this was long term. I feel your willing to continue virtually not that you want to. What's going to change?? For me more than not physically seeing you in person., before there was a possible time frame on this. Now its indefinately.. Now I know I may not feel connected to you in the same way. Now I know the feeling of being in person vs virutally will have to be enough. Maybe I just have to be okay with it all. Sorry you went through getting yourself credentialed with Optum and dealing with the BS with it all. if you knew then it would not of had to happen and maybe you would of left me then. all part of life right...well like i have said before there will no longer be therapy after you. your it. i cant not attach to someone else and go through all this again its to draining.

We are both in physical therapy right now for different reason. You said PT gives you hope and I agreed. At least by attending my Pt appointments, doing my daily exercises, and controlling pain with OTC medications I was doing everything possible to help was doing all I can to heal. Today I found I was heading in the wrong direction. While in certain areas things are healing, in other areas they are getting significantly worse. How do I deal with All this??

Dear T,

Thanks for seeing us.

Sent from my SM-G770F using Tapatalk

Dear T,
I hope it's OK that I told you that. I wanted to share with someone other than H and don't feel like I want to say much to anyone. But now I realize I sent you something two Fridays or Saturdays in a row, but they were very different things, so... And this doesn't need more than a 1-sentence reply, if you reply at all, and no urgency. In retrospect, I should have added "no need to reply, we'll talk Monday." Ah well.

Love,
LT

I’m not sure if I’m surprised or not by what you told me yesterday, but I’m starting to admire you more for it and wish I could be more like you. If only I’d met you sooner, I might have had more gumption to move on with my life, but alas, I let myself be shamed out of seeking therapy after getting out of a relationship that only looked good on paper. Still, better late than never.

I’m not thinking much about old T or new T today. I’m just focused on my own stuff. It’s nice to not be focused on them the way they don’t think about me on weekends.

Still can't believe I did therapy for 4 years.

Granted we did have annual breaks in between: 2 weeks at xmas, 4 weeks in the summer. One/two weeks at easter and days off here and there.

Not bad for someone who didn't do commitment. I actually feel okay without you today.

Halfway through the seminar today I wanted to tell you about the realization i had while he was working with a participant's dream. I even typed up an email. But I didn't send it. I need to stop emailing you.


I am missing you today. Stupid, since I just saw you yesterday.

why am i starting to want more of you than i can have again? ugh!!!

Dear T,
I hope you say something back tomorrow. Because I'm feeling so many conflicted emotions about this. Even just "Fingers crossed" or something.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
I wish you'd offered again. But I understand and respect your not doing so. The last thing I'd want is for you to resent me (even if it was short-lived) for taking advantage of you. And I need to be able to deal with things on my own.

Love,
LT

I kinda want to let you know that I'm feeling better than I was on Friday. It's Sunday though so I'm not going to bother you again.

Dear T,
OK, I figured out a way I can pay it forward if this works out for me. So my guilt is diminishing a bit...Still wish I could talk to you before 12:30 tomorrow.

Love,
LT

I feel so sad. J met up for a walk in the park and I cried. It doesn't feel the same and I want to go home.

Tired of everything at the moment.

Exam nerves have also started!

I do not dare tell you that I have not been able to get you and or therapy off my mind. It lingers there. I know I should checkin and see why it lingers, and you know what, I dont care too. I am not sure what will be said Thursday, but I am so numb and at times dissociated, and again like 4 months ago my urges to drink, smoke are starting and images of self harm. I know that engagement in any is not the most adult and i guess I dont care to be the most adult at times. So many things keep playing over and over in my head, and its old conversations that we never finished. I am so unemotional and numb that i do not feel anything at the moment and not interested in writing anymore. Yet I get these urges to look at the pictures of your home. Beautiful backyard !! Would love to tour it, since your doing FSBO I will pass. Cant afford it anyway. If I could knowing me, I would buy it !

T. Not sure how I am going to face today. I am so scared!

Dear T,
I really appreciate what you said to me today. I know I judge myself way too harshly... And I appreciate your saying, even kind of encouraging, that it's OK to email you after I get the vaccine tomorrow.
Love,
LT

Yeah, sorry for existing.

I’m so confused. But I think I’ll be ok.

I honestly feel ok right now. I don’t know how Pdoc feels because I just shut down after he told me the news and it was visible.

I'm feeling a good bit better today, L. I want to email you and let you know but I don't want to be a pest, so I won't.

Dear T,
I appreciate the "wonderful!" in response to my saying I got the vaccine. I'm glad I asked about whether it was OK to email you to let you know I got it. As I didn't have the anxiety, knowing you'd basically preapproved the email.
Love,
LT

I got that eziekal bread you told me about. I really appreciate you asking me how I’m feeling and how you are worried about my social interactions. I’m glad you care.

Thank you for taking me seriously when I compliment you.

You know one thing I do like about you, Info?

I doubt you're fearless, no one is, but you seem pretty accepting of risk. You were doing in-person appointments already last fall, and you said you wouldn't wear a mask so I could hear you better.

I'm writing my thoughts down, trying to figure out how best to explain the why behind my getting so emotional last week. I understand it inside myself but I'm not sure my understanding can be translated to words.

Yes, I know that I am weird.