Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hey L I got the book a little bit ago and already started reading on my lunch break. It is already sounding fascinating and I've only read a little bit of the introduction. Can't wait to get into the actual chapters. And to start talking about all of this with you on 7/2. Am I ready for this?!

Ha. You probably mentioned it on purpose again Friday, knowing full well that I would start researching it on my own.

oh oh oh and I had a dream last night that I'm excited to do some work with. It is just begging for an Active Imagination. That one, and I know I still need to do one with the recent Grandma dream. I promise I will! Soon! Maybe this afternoon after work if I don't go to the gym. It's so blasted hot outside rn I don't want to leave my house.

Hi T, thanks for letting me see you in-person this week despite our every other week deal. I know it is important for me to talk about my reaction after last session with you, and it probably should be in person even though it will make me super anxious.

I wonder if I stay with you, Info, because I’m too depressed to find an alternative?

Is someone going to email/call me? Out of the 3 of you I need to hear from. I wonder who it will be and what’s going to happen regarding therapy.

My Pdoc said he was emailing my former T and then he said “and it’s ok if she doesn’t” meaning if she doesn’t feel it’s best to see me again. He said it in a very reassuring tone instead of his usual arrogant “I’m a doctor voice” that he always uses with me. My mom says he’s trying to help me out without setting me off.

But I wonder what’s going to happen tomorrow. I’d assume I will at least get an answer from former T.

Dear T.

They say that when someone you love dies, it changes you. I am scared that you are going to change. As my therapist I need you to not change, please. I mean I guess it could change you in your personal life, but maybe that doesn't mean you will change in the way you work.

I hope that you are ok. I hope that you are planning on returning to work. I feel like I just need to sit with you.

Please take care. And please come back. We are so nearly there, it feels.

I love you.

Me.

Sorry I awkwardly asked about your weight loss, I think you look great. I always liked the way you looked anyway. I think I'm just self conscious with the pregnancy so I'm feeling huge compared to most people. Sorry if it made you uncomfortable.

Two more sleeps. Everything is officially happening at once, and I don't know how to do this.

The other T I emailed messaged back yesterday saying she was fully booked until Sep or she could give me a referral.

I haven't replied yet.

I didn't sleep well last night. First the girl in the bathroom next door woke me up then then thunder and rain at around 3am.

Final exam in two days. When I woke up later today I cried because it was mainly because I felt so exhausted more then anything.

Has all of this really been worth it at the price of my mental health?

I would say no.

HUGS Lemoncake

Big hugs, Lemoncake.

Info, it got bad enough today that I went back on meds. The psychiatrist left me enough for almost a year.

It's having a stabilizing effect, but I'm not sure it's helping yet.

Hugs, if wanted, @@

Wow, T, what a difference a week makes. This session tonight was SO much better than the first one. Probably because we talked about my over-the-top reaction to last week's session and where it stemmed from. Led to a good conversation. I feel very lucky to have you as my T.

ETA: My mind is trying to spiral about the hug. Logically i know you wouldn’t offer one if you didn’t want to, but what if you feel obligated in some way? Well, out loud that sounds kind of stupid. I am not wording it right.

One more sleep. I have no idea where we will end up tomorrow. If I try to pretend that this hasn't happened, it will not just go away. Loss never does.

i'm thinking about cancelling our appt this week..... i don't want you to see how dark things have become with me

As I understand it, your only 'expectation' of me is that I tell my truth. At the moment, my truth is quite challenging. Yet again, I need you to tell me that you're not expecting me to hold it together.

Dear T,
Thanks for being validating about all this stuff with D today. I'm pretty sure you were crying at one point--I was trying to not keep looking at you when I noticed, but you kept wiping your eyes repeatedly. And I know you've shared something similar with me a few months ago, but I both appreciated and maybe feel a bit awkward regarding what you shared today about your conversation with your wife about your son. You certainly never would have shared that 2 years ago. It really helps to know that you get it, on a personal level (and don't judge me for it). But it also makes me feel more attached and connected to you, and I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing--or maybe it just is?

Maybe it's helping me to realize that I need to find more people to have in my life who truly "get it." And I can try to look at it from that perspective. That it's signaling a need.

Love,
LT

Dear Dr K--you know that I don't know if I am coming back right? Oh and enjoy your vacation. Kit

Holy smokes I was just reading another thread on here and got to thinking about it... I'll have been seeing you for 10 years in November. How on earth has it been that LONG?!?!?! And my 9 year anniversary at current work is in September. And how in the WORLD is my son going to be 23 in October?! Where has so much of my life GONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!

You 2 are unprofessional.

New T I hope you work out despite not taking my insurance. I’m glad your not in the same building as former T so I don’t have to pass her in the hallways and feel really awkward.

Hey want to tell you about something. but right now I am so upset, and know that it would not even do much. hate when something in 2021 happens and It brings me back to feeling old stuff from years ago. My son was falsely accused of not wearing his seabelt with me in the car. He had adjusted his seatbelt after hitting the brakes as it locked up the belt since a moving truck wanted to cut him off right infront of us and in front of the cops. We had jokingly said how dear the truck cut us off in front of a cop and the cop do nothing. As we pulled away, my son realized in the rear view mirror he was gonna be pulled. this whole thing about being faslely accused has brought up injustice feelings of my own traumas. I am angry. Pissed off and yet I can't do anything. My son left for work and I burst into tears. I want to reach out to you. and I cant. I know you wont respond back. I try hard to accept your boundaries of basically no emails or texts will get responded to even though its okay to send them to you. I just feel its damn useless now. Why bother. I am so pissed offl I wrote something on Nextdoor to the LT of the town of police where it happened and hope to get this resolved as he responded back and told me he would forward to his patrol division. I am not hopefull as police have not been fair to me, I was in a hotel room over 20 years ago, and was being raped, I got away and ran out, asking someone to call 911 and they did. The police showed only to never make it into the room or even the bathroom where I was being held captive by 5 guys bound and gaged. Again during a mental health crisis, while asking for a patient advocate the chief of police had thrown me off the bed, for no reason but to say I was non compliant and used excessive force. I sit here now, so disappointed in society, in our system, in me, in myself. Just not in a good place at the moment, and I cant tell you. I am tired of feeling alone, and even when i go to a place to say what happened its a place that does not allow for validation. So I come here and write Keep it inside. I thought ACA would be a place to help, its not. Not when you are encouraged not to validate someone's experience. I dont feel heard and just told over 60 people via a zoom meeting. I feel that lost child in me so much right now. And I realize this is a journey to have on my own. I will not bother anyone with this. I have to accept and understand your position is only one that is every Thursday at 10:30 am and for that hr I can get everything I need and once its over I am on my own. I dont have friends, family isnt all that validating and so I am realizing I am truly alone in this so called recovery. I just wait for the day you tell me your retiring. Then I truly know its over. i have had it with people. I dont trust and cant and dont think I ever will. My only other outlet is here on this forum. So thanks

Okay. So. The "official date" of returning to in person sessions is July 6th. We'll still have to wear masks and distance. I really think it's time to be normal, since we are both fully vaxxed. But I'll take the mask over teletherapy, any day.

Just please - keep that date, don't string me along.

Today's session was intense - thank you for holding space for my grief at the forthcoming changes to my workplace.

Still amused at how well you translated 'I don't want to spend too much time on this' to 'I don't want to effing cry.'