Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I suppose you'll be out the rest of this week. That'll be 3 weeks. I know, I know...you're sick. Again. Not knowing when you'll be back, especially on such short notice, causes me extreme anxiety. I'm only half joking when I say I need therapy because I'm in therapy...

I hope everything is ok, I haven’t heard from you even though I emailed yesterday to let you know when I was free this week. I hope I can remember to ask about the thing you mentioned we could discuss in another session, it sounds like something that could be helpful for me.

I’m still trying to decide what to tell you tomorrow. I’m a bit confused right now if therapy is even what I need or if it’s not worth it anymore. If my issues aren’t severe enough for therapy. I’m just really stressed right now and I can’t think straight.

I think you also notice your skirt is too short because you also have your notepad right in that particular spot of your skirt.

My lasts T’s breasts were practically falling out of her shirt during one session. I couldn’t tell if she noticed or not. It was awkward but the skirt thing is weirder.

Ugh, T. Seeing you in person for the first time was SO nerve wracking. I was so awkward and weird, and then wrote you an e-mail after, even though I suspect you would prefer I just talk to you in person. I'm sorry, for everything.

I am feeling worse and worse about tonight. You DEFINITELY want to not work with me anymore. you are probably so exasperated by me. Maybe i should just quit.

Dear T

I have been looking forward to it, but now I am very nervous about our session today.

You have an uncanny way of knowing just when to check in on me. You always did. Thanks for having that instinct about me. Your check-ins these last few months have been perfectly timed and just exactly what I've needed to stay grounded and relatively okay since my husband died. I look forward to meeting up with you to chat and pass on that item of his to you. He'd approve of it being in your hands, knowing you will appreciate it and actually use it. He liked that about you. Thank you for honoring him.

oh man oh man oh man. i’ve effed it all up, haven’t i? i can’t believed i e-mailed you THREE times last night, and then asked today to talk for a few minutes? Who am I? I hate myself. ugh ugh ugh.

I wonder if today is the day. If it is, I hope you have your family around you and that together you can support each other. Physically and emotionally. Please take care x

I wonder how you’ll react when you see how much I’ve changed physically from last week. I don’t have the giant bandage on and I’ve lost several pounds. You’ll probably be concerned but in a creepy way.

I didn’t expect to see your name in my inbox this evening. It’s really thrown me. Seeing your break dates caused immediate panic to shoot through my body, even though I’m not seeing you at the moment anyway. WTF. 5 weeks tomorrow since last contact. Honestly I have no idea what to do, I know I ought to reply but I don’t know if I can. I know you said it’s fine not to…but…I imagine you’re concerned and also I should let you know what I’m thinking, if I’m coming back….but the truth is I really really don’t know.

I'm feeling nervous about our conversation tomorrow. It would be hard if it were face to face, but over Zoom it's probably going to be harder.

I'm intrigued to hear about your thought process with your response to my email.
If you understood and were trying to help me be OK, I can understand that.

If you didn't understand, I need to explain...

Ugh, the waiting is so painful. I keep telling myself you are not ignoring me/don’t hate me, but it’s difficult.

After yesterday’s experience, I am feeling disabled, like I am my disability. I hate that, and it’s depressing me.

I haven't heard from you, so obviously you weren't able to talk today. Its fine. Its fine. Its fine. You totally don't hate me...right?

I'm too tired. I know you don't really love me. I wish you were as interested in me as I am in you. It really hurts.

Dear T,
I didn't feel good about your first email reply. It felt maybe a bit defensive, and you didn't acknowledge my feelings of rejection that I mentioned. I worried that my response was a bit blunt, that you'd either amp up the defensiveness (likely what would have happened, say, 2 years ago) or not reply at all.

But instead, you clarified to let me know that you had been offering me something that you wouldn't usually offer (I misunderstood) and then said a kind word on the abandonment feelings. So I'm glad I sent that email reply to you. Because now I am experiencing your caring and even feel a bit special. Thank you. (And my intention is still to not take you up on that offer--assuming it still stands anyway.)

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Where are you? I need to hear from you. I don't know if I can do this. I feel awful for feeling like this but I feel like I am going out of my mind. I can't slow down or stop these thoughts. I can't stop searching for information. Hours and hours looking for a tiny snippet that might give me some indication of what is going on, but yet I find nothing. All my attempts to distract myself are failing. I am taking care of myself in as such as I am showering, eating and going to work, but honestly that's about the extent of it. Oh, and I am writing my book too, but to be truthful this just means that you are still at the forefront of my mind. Maybe I need to revisit the whole idea of self care. I might have a bath tonight and watch the rest of the sewing bee. That might be a nice thing to do. Leave my phone out of the bathroom too. I just don't know what else to do to get away from it all.

I wonder whether I text you, just a quick check in text on the weekend. Would that be appropriate I wonder? I am debating asking Old T if she thinks it might be appropriate, but I'm a big girl now, I need to make that decision for myself I think.

I really didn't expect to find it this difficult!!

Hoping you are ok. Hoping you are still there. At least I have WhatsApp to check you are still logging in...

Me x

I think today was the most assertive you've been in session with me.

Frankly, I think I need lots of medication and psychoanalysis


But seriously, could we not do a bit more on the psychodynamic side? Only mindfulness, etc. - it's helpful, but until I unconver, have insight into, the deepest issue I don't know how I can get unstuck. I need an Aha! moment.

Thank you so much for getting back to me. I really hope we can talk for a few minutes this afternoon. I am already feeling calmer just getting your text that you are not kicking me out.

Dear T,
OK, I feel less good about the second email now. I really hope we can work through...whatever this is. That it's just some sort of blip. I mean, I know we've worked through much bigger things before. I just feel...I don't know. If I can't fully understand or explain how I feel, how am I supposed to expect you to magically get it? And say whatever words I need to hear? It's not fair of me.


I wish the timing of all of this had been different, like if you'd had to miss Wednesday, and then we could have just talked on Friday. Monday seems far away. I don't want to ask you for any of the times you semi-offered (particularly not Friday evening, if you'd been at a funeral that day) unless it feels like I truly need them, like for outside reasons. Not due to something with our relationship. And I feel that more email is a bad idea. Maybe I'll just journal on it.


Love,
LT

I've got this T. I've got this.

I wish you’d never got in touch, how dare you just pop up in my life like that?! I ****ing hate you, you’re ruining my life and I never want to see you again.

But at the same time

I’m so happy you got in touch, so relieved to know you haven’t forgotten me. I love that you are so thoughtful and careful with me. I miss you.

And also

I’m genuinely not sure whether I want to resume therapy at all, ever. It just plays such havoc with my system and I think the relationship is just too triggering and I’m not sure trust can be rebuilt with the little ones.

Be good if I could talk to you about all this, but then that was the problem wasn’t it? Too dissociative too switchy too MUCH.
And yet also not enough. I just want some peace.

Didn't feel like we liked each other much today.