What will it be like?

Today I was running errands in the city I see T and Pdoc. It use to be that being on that city and near the buildings where we meet made me feel a sense of connection to them. Today though, that did not happen. I realized that going back to in person appointments will be weird and maybe even a little unsettling.

I want to see them in person so much. T plans that it will likely be a few more months before we get back to in person sessions so there is still time.

Yesterday was 1 year since I saw her F2F.

I also wonder what it will be like to be back in person again. I think next week will be a year since I've seen my T in person. I wanted to ask him today when he thought he'd see clients in person again, as he got his second dose of the vaccine a couple weeks ago. But today he was seeing me from his house, wearing a hoodie (he commented on casual Friday). And he's become so much more relaxed about things like self-disclosure since the pandemic started. So I worry that will all change once we're in person again. I also imagine he'd require masks for both of us, and that just seems weird, like I'd rather see him virtually without a mask, I think? I wonder if he'd be OK being maskless once I get vaccinated, though I don't think that would be until May or June at the earliest.

I think whether masked or not, my first in-person session, I'll be having a big panic attack because it will just be overwhelming...

I didn't like it when I returned to f2f. Although I appreciate that I have been very lucky to be able to return to it sooner than many others. It took me a little while to adjust to it again. There are some benefits of virtual therapy that we can't replicate in f2f.

But then, on the other hand, there are definite benefits to f2f that can't be replicated in virtual therapy, too.

Now we are doing mostly f2f, but go to virtual when either of us is sick or away. I like the mix. Once we're vaccinated I hope to still do virtual sessions from time to time.

I've seen my T in person every week through the pandemic, if it hadn't been possible I would have had to end my therapy. It counted as a medical appointment, because I am not well.

I wouldn't have been able to do it virtually, my internet isn't good enough and the phone signal in my area is pretty bad.

Reading everyone's experiences of virtual therapy though, I do feel like maybe I have missed out on something. Maybe he's closer to his other clients that he's seen virtually now, maybe they have seen all inside his house and inside his life, that they know more about him than I ever will. I hope you guys get to see your T in person soon, if you want to.

We're possibly returning f2f in late June. I am anticipating it with great delight as I am so, so fed up with teletherapy. That said, I am a bit nervous...it will feel awkward at first to be in the same room together. But I'm sure that will pass quickly.

My Thas also has been more open and discloses more during all if this. Also, we have not gone deep into the really hard subjects for fear of me disassociate. We have both received the vaccines. I had my second one a month ago. She receives her second this week. She does not plan to see clients F2F until all age groups have the opportunity to get it.

Not particularly looking forward to it.

I discovered another side to T that had not been there before i.e. more closeness, T revealing more about themselves without instantly retreating inside their shell. T being much more comfortable and less guarded, really. I like this much more 'human' and relational side that online therapy brought up. For us, there is/was more intimacy online than in-person.

I don't want T to clam up and revert to their usual passive, closed-up, blank slate. That would be detrimental to my therapy in general and my emotional state in particular.

So, this is not about meeting in person specifically, but I was also thinking how the pandemic ending (or at least abating) would lead to my T starting to take vacation again. Since the pandemic started, I haven't gone more than 6 days (I think? maybe even 5) without having a session with him (he only took a few days off each for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's). He normally takes around 4 week-long vacations a year, plus some long weekends. So I've been very spoiled.

In 2019, in the summer, he was away 1 week, back for 3, away 1 week, back for 3, then away again for a week. We had multiple ruptures that summer, one of which led to me terminating for a bit. We both agreed that they were partly tied to his being away and my struggling with that (plus some other factors). I wonder if part of why things have been going so well between us the past year is that he's been consistently there, so I wasn't having, say, abandonment issues triggered frequently, then having to reconnect (there have been a few conflicts and a sort of mini-rupture at one point where I was making appointments with other T's, but we worked through it pretty quickly).

He's pretty cautious about COVID, so even though he's vaccinated, I doubt he'd travel anytime soon, at least by plane. But I could see him maybe taking a week off to drive someplace with his wife and son.

Sorry to drive this off topic a bit, but I guess your post started making me think about the totality of post-pandemic therapy.

It's interesting how this seems to be a pretty common experience with T's during the pandemic. I do want to mention something related to this that my T said when I expressed concerns a couple months ago about his changing once things return more to normal.

He said that it's not like he's just going to revert back to the exact same T/person he was back then. Like flipping a switch or something. That he'll likely be more something in between maybe.

And I imagine this will be the case with most T's, that they won't completely switch back to how they were. Plus we've seen different sides to them now, so we won't view them the same (like, I can't un-know that Dr. T has a dog and cat and what they look like or how he looked petting the fluffy white dog. Or how he looks wearing a hoodie. Or what some of the art in his house looks like), so I think that could also make a difference.

I am not sure that I will go back to face-to-face even when it is possible. I have been able to be more open and vulnerable working remotely, as opposed to in person, and I don't want to lose my fledgling ability to be vulnerable with her. I miss her physical presence sometimes, but we did meet once for a walk. In the future, I imagine most of my work will be online with occasional in person sessions. She seems more keen to meet in person than I am. She talks about wanting to see me (we don't even use the video function) and I think I recoil from her want, it feels too much like her grasping at me.

You have nailed it! That is my worry (in bold) i.e. T flipping a switch and I will 'lose' the perceived closeness as T does a complete 180.

Thank you LT for mentioning what your T said. It *is* true, I/we can't un-know the things we came to know about them. Thank you. Reading your message injected a dose of reassurance here..

Seeing him interact with his dog must have been cute. I say that because I am a dog lover. I had a therapist a long, long time ago that had two huskies. It actually interfered with the therapy because they were so cute.

Sorry to derail, but I see what you mean. especially the hoodie. Did you find the hoodie distracting?

For me, there's good and bad points about going back face to face. It's bad because I have to travel so far; I have to make sure that I don't see him to late because of my bus schedule. I have to make sure I can get home too.

F2F is good because of the privacy issue at home. And many of our discussions are easier in person.

I think with masks we are going to follow the law. Where I live, we have to be wearing masks even if we are just with 1 person.

I have just realised that many of the things which people are describing here as being the benefits of remote working (seeing therapists interact with pets, wearing casual clothes, seeing their houses etc) are aspects of my therapist which I encountered during face-to-face work. During the before times, she used to work from various rooms in her house and I saw many personal/home life details. In this respect, remote working is less about her personal circumstances and I feel more relaxed because of that. I am not in her space and I can control my own space from where the work now takes place. I have a routine for preparing my room before sessions and this helps me greatly.

Oh that's interesting--so you met with her in various rooms of her house? I think I just assumed for therapists that saw clients at their house, they had a dedicated office where they met clients.

She switched between rooms. I always knew in advance where we would meet and there were some rooms into which we never went. It was very awkward sometimes. I would meet her partner on occasion and this agitated the £hit out of me, I don't think she has ever understood why that was so upsetting. It was nice meeting her kittens though and I remember the many times we interacted with them together, it was quite lovely. I wonder how those kittens are doing. They must be cats by now.

Yes, the dog thing was cute. He also apologized for her being there, saying she was "needy." And then he sat there petting her in his lap for a long time. It might seem silly, but I often think of myself as being too needy, including toward him. So hearing him call her needy yet still being affectionate toward her and not immediately sending her out of the room had some meaning to me. (Even though of course a pet dog is different from a therapy client.)

With the hoodie (which he's worn a few times now), he normally wears dress shirts (though fairly casual ones, like with prints on them) for session. So seeing him in a hoodie felt like seeing him more as he would be in his outside life, like if he was just relaxing at home on the weekend with his wife and son. Plus he plays with the strings whenever he wears it, so it's a little distracting!

That's weird she didn't realizing how running into her partner could affect you... I'd definitely be affected by that.

The kittens sound cute, and that it would be bonding to interact with them with your T.

This may sound silly, but I miss seeing my T's betta fish in his office--he even let me feed her once. She used to seem excited when I sat down (he said she didn't even react that way to him), and I'd wiggle my finger back and forth, and she'd follow it. I asked about "Fish" (yes, that's what her name was, despite my suggestions of a better one--sigh...) earlier in the pandemic, and she was doing well at his house. I'm not sure how long they live and wonder if maybe she's passed on, so I don't want to ask again.

Therapy creatures

Your description of the fish and your finger makes me think of connection and interaction. Maybe the fish represented something bigger than being Fish. Something about being mirrored by your therapist and looking for intuitive interactions in that office space. No wonder you don't want to take the risk of asking where she is now!

I haven't seen my T in person in a year. I asked her this week if she still had a lease on her office and she said yes and it sounds like she signed the lease agreement right before the pandemic and it's a 2 year agreement.....so I am hopeful I'll see her in the office in a few months. She's fully vaccinated but I still need to get mine. I've seen pdoc all along (with masks) in his office so that's been consistent.

Hm, that makes a lot of sense. Like Fish seeming happy to see me, maybe it reflects how I want Dr. T to feel in my presence, too. And the mirroring.

Also the story of how he got her was rather endearing. Where he was at the pet store buying other items, and she was in a container, where they'd written "I've been here a long time, someone please take me home" (or something like that). And he was touched by it so bought her.

Oh, so this is sort of relevant, too, I guess. He'd had a betta in the office before, when I first started seeing him. He let a suite mate watch him while he was away a couple times. I came in one time after his vacation, and the fish was gone. I asked if he had died, and he said that no, his suite mate got attached to him, so he let her have him. So it seemed like the fish was disposable, like if he could just hand off a pet like that, might he also do that with a client?

It also has been a year since I've seen my T. She is fully vaccinated, and I am as well, but she wants to make sure her H is vaccinated first before she goes back to the office. Our relationship over the past year has just been over the phone, and while on one hand I think I might talk more on the phone, the other hand, I miss seeing T in person. So, hopefully within a few months?

Oh I am sorry that you had to see him interacting with his dog. That must have not only made you feel uncomfortable. It must have made you feel sad.

Do you think that you could let him know how that made you feel? It might be good to mention it.

Last week T and I discussed this. Normally she would go on vacation this week. This week is usually spring break where her husband teaches so thr travel out of state for skiing. This year the school started the semester late and canceled spring break. Plus she had a skiingaccident a couple of weeks ago. She is also very much following all the COVID recommendations.

She did take her normal break T Christmas and in August. She does not think she will have another one until July (instead of August).

Ironically, I, who almost never takes a vacation at all, am on vacation this week. T and I realized I was burning out from all the added works stress of working in a hospital right now.

I’ve been fortunate to resume face to face sessions at the start of the year. It came as a surprise to me, because I really didn’t expect to be in T’s office until spring (at least!). It almost felt like a switch....in the last year I kept asking when he thought he’d be able to resume f2f sessions and he always said he wasn’t sure, that it depended on the numbers etc etc. And then, just like that, he changed his mind and we’ve now been doing f2f sessions for almost two months.

It’s been a bit strange getting used to being in the same room as him. For starters, he’s a lot further away from me than he was on Zoom. When the internet connection was good, I could almost see the pores in his skin. Now, I just see his features. So although I’m thankful to see him properly at last, I do miss the virtual physical closeness. I also miss the excitement of seeing inside his house.

For the first couple of sessions since we resumed f2f, I was too giddy and self conscious to do any actual work. It was a very childish mindset, where I kept repeating “I can’t believe this is happening” over and over again (in my mind). But now we’ve fallen back into our pre-pandemic routine and it almost feels like I forgot how much more intimate I find in person sessions.

I don’t think he sees most of his clients in person...maybe even just me and one other patient. I think a lot of...less attached patients are still doing virtual sessions. And thankfully we don’t wear masks. It feels like we’ve just gone back in time to pre-pandemic times. I’m thankful for the normalcy of it. I’m also thankful that there has been no change in the intimacy we seem to have gained since the pandemic started. It’s still there, whether he’s on screen or in the same room as me. I worried at first, thinking that the sessions will be colder, more distant somehow, but this has not been the case.

I hope you all get to see your Ts in person soon!