Therapist has terminated me

So in my session last week my therapist said something that I found hugely hurtful and painful. He said I was attention seeking which is a huge trigger for me after previous harm caused by professionals for treatment for my mental health, which he is aware of. I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably for about 25 minutes. I was angry as he didn’t offer any support and then told me at the end of the session I just needed ‘not to dwell on it.’
I emailed him over the weekend expressing how hurt and angry I was and how painful I found the session. Although my email was blunt and pointed out where I thought he got it wrong, it was not rude. This is the first time I have ever really directly challenged him on something that has upset and definitely the first time I have told him I’m angry at him in what I thought was a productive manner. I stupidly thought in a way he would actually be a bit proud of the fact I was managing to express what I was feeling.
Today he has emailed me back terminating me. He essentially told me I was too much to cope with (but worded more professionally).
I was having my doubts about whether he was truly the right therapist for me, but I thought that me expressing what I was feeling would mean we would try to work through it. He knows about my rejection and abandonment issues which are pretty extreme and he has now proceeded to re-enact them by terminating so abruptly and suddenly.
I believe he has had a conversation with his supervisor about this decision as I didn’t get the email until the end of the day where as usually he always emails back first thing. So I think he sought her advice and then I wonder how much influence she has had on the decision.
I’m in shock right now and just utterly numb, although I can feel all of the pain, devastation, hurt and heartbreak bubbling under that numbness and don’t think I’m going to be able to cope with it when it finally hits me.
Yesterday was also the anniversary of my best friend’s death, something which I am yet to properly deal with and get over and something he absolutely knew about. But he still chose to terminate via email today.
I don’t know what to do, every time I ask for help i seems to end up getting more hurt.
I just don’t want to be alive anymore.

You can cope with it. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Take a deep breath and calm. Don’t react meditation is the key.

I'm so sorry... He should not have done that. You should be able to challenge him without his terminating you. At the very least, he should give you a termination session to talk things through. Take care of yourself.

Absolutely. I appreciate that some clients are uncommonly challenging (I believe I am one of that wretched gang) and that many therapists are not skilled enough or careful enough to help clients manage their pain. However, it should be a fundamental aspect of therapy that clients can feel safe enough to believe that their therapists would deal with a non consensual termination sensitively and safely. It's horrible that this has happened. I imagine several posters here dread this therapeutic outcome, myself included, and we can foresee the emotional terror of such an ending.

What a cowardly jerk. Therapists are often terrible human beings. I am sorry that you are upset - but you are, I believe, well shed of this worthless pos therapist

I've noticed that too many therapists are power hungry. They seem to want clients who they can control and when they can't, it's termination time. I'm with stopdog - you're better off without the jerk. I hope you find a more qualified T.

I'm sorry that you were terminated. It's really hard. You didn't deserve it in an email, and definitely not because you challenged him.

Ex-T was like that. She didn't like being challenged. But T and L are much different. They both welcome my emotions towards them: both the clingy parts and the angry parts. Even last week, I pointed out one of L's weaknesses to her, and she owned it gracefully, not defensively.

So sorry, KLL85. I've been through something very similar.

Fortunately, I had lucked into a good support group before the therapist terminated me, and I vented extensively in this forum. I was not rejected in either place.

I understand the not wanting to be alive any more.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but glad -- given that it did -- you have been able to post about it here.

Keep on posting, you are NOT rejected here.

I agree with stopdog, what a jerk! Termination thru email, again, what a jerk! Maybe it is good he showed you his true colors, so you don’t
waste anymore time with. him.
Please take good care of yourself, even if you don’t want to. In a month, six months, you will look back on this time with a different view.
Even though it hurts like hell, you will be better off in the long run without this therapist, in my opinion.

So sorry, KLL85.

Sorry to hear that! He sounds completely incompetent to do the work. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm so sorry that has happened. I agree with the others, that doesn't sound like he acted like a good therapist should. At least he showed his true colors and you can find something or someone that works better for you now, even though I know that might sound impossible right now. But you do deserve to get help for what you're struggling with.

That was unethical. If a therapist wants to terminate,he is supposed to give you a few weeks notice, AND refer you to someone else.

Thank you for the replies. I’m massively struggling right now so support here is really helpful. I just don’t know how to process this and the pain is now coming through thick and fast and is just too much to bare. I’ve held back in therapy for so long for the fear of being ‘too much’ and the one time I really express my true emotions and feelings I am punished and told that I am actually too much.

You are not too much. Your therapist was not good enough at his job, that is a reflection of his skill level not of your level of need.

One of the cruelties of this situation is that you have not been given the opportunity to process this. Without the chance to discuss what has happened, it will be really hard for you to sort out your feelings from his inadequacies and it is not surprising that you are internalizing his failings and assuming them as your own. He is at fault, you are not faulty and I can't emphasise that enough.

I'm sorry you're going through this. He"s an *** for saying that to you, doubly an *** for telling you to not dwell on it, and triply an *** for not acknowledging what seems like a significant growth for you. Also a coward for abandoning you instead of facing his screw-up and for doing so in email. Also, is this actually ethical? I mean, clearly he wasn't a good therapist for you, but terminating like this, making it look like you are somehow the problem, when it's his competence and empathy that are lacking, without making sure you have a way forward, or at least a chance to get closure?

Yeah, I totally get that. I guess a deep attachment torn like this does that, even without being done in an actively harmful way like this was. I guess, in terms of parts work, the little ones don't understand the concept of an incompetent coward of a therapist, only the devastating abandonment by what they came to see as a parent. BUT, I do think you were brave to stand up for yourself, and your expectation of trying to work through this was entirely reasonable, and you did right by your child parts, even though the therapist's actual reaction understandably feels like the end of the world for them. I only wish I knew how to comfort them, but I hope you'll find the support you need!

I've been in a very similar situation. It is horrifying. I would recommend finding a new therapist ASAP. Even if they don't end up being the perfect long-term fit...you need to find someone that can help you process this. And you need to find someone soon. Of course, that is just my opinion and it's what helped me...but it might not feel right for you. Maybe a support group is another option.

The bottom line is that you have been deeply re-traumatized and you will need help to get through it. Please know you are not alone and that this is absolutely NOT your fault! Your therapist was negligent.

Be kind and patient with yourself. This won't be easy, but you can do it.

I'm really sorry... For me, it was over expressing love feelings rather than anger, but I had a similar reaction when my ex-marriage counselor told me that I needed to reduce contact after I said I loved him. He'd accepted any feelings I'd expressed before (even using those words), but suddenly it was too much. It felt like my love was poison, that he had to get away from it. (We couldn't repair the rupture and terminated a few months later.)

My current therapist has had some issues when I've challenged him/told him he'd upset me as well. Where he's basically fought back, and it got kind of ugly and painful. I terminated, then returned. At one point after my return, I was thinking about how smoothly things were going. Then I realized it was because I was holding everything in, like if he said/did something that bothered me, I was just pushing it away. Which isn't good either (and is similar to my general pattern in relationships of any kind). We did eventually talk about it.

Therapists need to be able to handle their clients' strong feelings and reactions (short of threatening violence, for example). If they have trouble handling them, they need to seek supervision or consultation. They certainly should not just abruptly terminate.

I hope you can find a new therapist who is able to handle such things and can help you process what happened here.

I’ll be honest I really don’t think I can go through the process of working with another therapist and it ending like this against. I’ve worked with three therapists now over the past three years and two have ended extremely badly and retraumatised me due to the feelings and rejection and abandonment. How do I take that risk again? How do I ever believe that they are a ‘good’ therapist? The process of trying different ones out is exhausting and expensive and I just don’t know how I ever trust again.
I feel devastated and broken. I wish I had the courage to end it all, it’s all I can think about.

Trying to draw from my own experience, one helpful thing to do is to nurture yourself as much as you can, body and soul. Like, for the first part, eating well, but also sometimes indulging in (chocolate, ice cream, or chocolate ice cream, or whatever works for you that's still relatively harmless). Resting as much as you need. I think this might have worked better for me if I'd been more successful in doing it consistently. It still helped some. Actually, speaking of resting, physical activity also helped when I could convince myself to. For the second, what works for me when I'm in that "forsaken child" state was 1. nice warm and soft blanket and fluffy things 2. colors - visual (coloring books/app, walking in the nature, arts, whatever works), but also in music. 3. music - I have a list of go-to pieces for various purposes 4. listening to tales / stories I used to like or looks like I might.

Also, having found a new therapist is working for me so far, but I might be very lucky to have found one that 1. Didn't trigger the same sort of transference (though I'm not sure how well it'll work if I stop holding back) 2. was able to find a good balance between supportive/validating and neutral when talking about xT, 3. is fine with my still not being over xT lol. 4. has been good at handling the small not-even-ruptures that we had and is willing to talk about the relationship. Still scared of testing it too hard, but she already handled a number of things that xT would have interpreted as resistance or personal attack or in some other way a sign of me being unsatisfactory.

As for being 'too much' ... well yes, some clients that are more 'difficult' than others, and therefore fewer therapists are equipped to work with them. Like, trauma processing tends to be hard on the therapist as well, intense anger/negative transferences also, but that's no excuse to just boot them when things start to get difficult. It's the therapists' responsibility to know their limitations, have a sense of what sort of problems they can safely treat, notice when they!re close to reaching their limit and try to handle it without the least possible harm to the client. Or should be. But many of them, like this one, refuse to admit they're (or can be at all) out of their depth, try to carry on as long as they can, then blame the client when they fail.

I am really sorry he did that to you. No therapist should ever tell there client they are attention seeking, to me that is so very hurtful. My first therapist told me that too, still today those words still hurt me. Your therapist did not handle things well and it's not your fault. I am really sorry he terminated you by e-mail that is not right and so unprofessional. He could of told you that he could not help you and refer you to someone else, not to tell you where too much. Sadly there are therapist out there who do more harm then good.

I hope you can find another therapist because there are good ones out there. Hugs

Yeah, makes sense that you!d want to have a break from therapy, but I also think that it could help a lot if you manage to find someone competent. Again, I don't know how much of this is luck and how much was my selection process being effective, but I went for someone who had a detailed description of her experience and it covered some areas that were highly relevant for me 2. the design of her site reminded me of some of the people who were positive influences in my life / could get along with well 3. Out of the 4 therapists I contacted (3 I had an full session with) she was the one who, out of the BPD diagnosis+previous therapist issue chose to focus on the latter. She has helped a great deal with the xT stuff. I won't lie, it's no miracle, I!m still struggling, the pain is still there, some unmet needs are still unmet, but she can counteract the self-blame and the invalidation and passive-aggressive stuff from xT far better than I could on my own or even using the forums. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to believe that in this case the lack of deeper results indeed might be because of my reluctance to trust her more (like I thought w xT, except it wasn't true then). (Still, better safe than sorry, I also don't think I could bear another failure like with xT)

ETA: not trying to convince you, just sharing my experience just in case it's helpful

You don't need to go back if you don't feel it's right. Therapy is not mandatory and it's not always the right solution.

Three years ago, I had a therapist who refused to see me again after I got upset that he wouldn't hug me. Like you, I felt like I was, after a year, handing over really big feelings, feelings I had no clue what to do with, and then I was rejected and abandoned for being 'too much'.

It hurt like hell. It took me two years to fully process it. I decided not to see anyone else in that time -- I asked myself if I could honestly deal with the same thing happening again, and the answer was no. You know what you can handle, and it's OK to listen to your body. Listen to those instincts. I think our instincts can be off or maladaptive, but they do exist to protect us. If they're not currently in a safe place where they can be examined, reassessed, and rebuilt, then I honestly think it's better to wait.

Three years later, I think I could probably see another therapist, but I really have no interest. I think it has the potential for exceptional personal growth, but I would need to be exceptionally vulnerable, and the risks that come with that don't appeal. I can work on myself in other ways.
You can too, if you want.

And your old therapist is a jerk.