Couch 230: Decent Communications

Ugh! I have huge hives on my side. I think it's from stress and anxiety. I had an attachment anxiety attack last night, and today I have hives.

Ah jeez. My parents are in town, and because they didn't listen to me and wait to make plans until I had my fellowship schedule, they came when I am working 12h/d 6d/wk. (We have to do this difficult rotation 10 weeks out of the year, and then much easier ones the other 42 weeks.) They've been wanting me to spend time with them every evening after I get off work, which I have been doing.

They also wanted to come to my apartment to help with some things while I was at work, so I said okay. They were here for five hours. They took out my recycling by dropping it off the second story balcony and then carrying it to the bin (instead of carrying it down the elevator/stairs like sane people). They attempted to put together a piece of Ikea furniture but put something in upside down and then couldn't finish assembling it because it can't be assembled upside down and gave up halfway through. They did not attempt to put together any of the other things that needed assembling.

My dad wants to hire someone from TaskRabbit to put together the various bits of furniture because he feels bad that he couldn't do it, but that means that someone has to be at the apartment to let the TaskRabbit person in. He wanted to arrange this RIGHT NOW but I said I was very tired and just wanted to go to sleep and that I would strongly prefer to arrange it tomorrow. I said that a few times (politely but firmly) until he stopped asking. Luckily, they can see how exhausted I am so are not insisting I go out to dinner with them tonight; they left me alone in the apartment and went back to their hotel. But honestly I think the reason they did that is because tomorrow my parents and I have to drive 1-2h each way to see family in another part of the state, which literally none of us want to do; I think they suspect that if they pressured me too hard spend time with them tonight I'd just flat-out refuse to go. It's my only day off this week; I have been working in the hospital or on call or both every day since 7/16 and I am exhausted and just want to rest. Too damn bad for me, I guess.

I love my parents. I would die for my parents. I also am driven crazy by my parents.

Feeling...something...tonight. Eternity stretching out in front of me with no happiness in sight? Decided to have a drink (or more) tonight. Probably not my best idea. Therapist gone. Poof. Off into the woods (literally). Left alone feeling pathetic that I'm all alone when he's gone. He's gonna be gone forever at some point.

What can we do to help?

No clue. Acknowledging my existence is a start.

I watched this movie today, it was a romantic drama I guess. It just left me feeling "ugh". It wasn't a great movie (Nights in Rodanthe), and I watched it mainly because it was leaving Netflix today and I needed a distraction. But it just left me feeling like I've been changed somehow by my ex's actions. I can't even appreciate love or romance anymore. What's even the point of life?

Hugs NP, Chihiro, Scarlet, and anyone else who needs/wants.

Here's the sunflower I started this evening so far. H is gone on an overnight job, this afternoon they sent him with a delivery to Bullhead City, AZ about a 6 hour drive one-way. He's gonna spend the night there and drive back tomorrow, so I had the whole evening to crochet! Now it's time for sleep, since I start my work week at 6am tomorrow. Night couch!

Edit: think I double posted by accident

Good to know, thank you . I just checked her thread, friends chipped in so she has groceries and rent for this month.

She wrote she's already on Medicaid but is afraid she'd be deemed ineligible as she quit her last 2 jobs due to ill health. She mentioned having an appointment to see a vocational therapist for job help.

Hugs. It is so messed up that you're being discriminated against.

Welcome! Yeah, talk about anything you want to.

Hugs. Sounds so incredibly frustrating

I don't know if this helps... what you're feeling, like you've been changed, can't appreciate love or romance or see a point to life...is part of PTSD from what you experienced at Ex's hands. I'm sorry you're facing this, it's really difficult, and I remember how it feels like. I do believe happiness and a measure of peace is possible, but it takes time and supportive others. The prolonged interpersonal trauma you've experienced strips away the self protective "illusionary" glow people who aren't traumatised tend to have.

Sending hugs, if that helps.

Wow, so pretty!

Morning couch! Just logged on real quick as I'm waiting for my work apps to all open, to say good morning and send out hugs to though who need/want and good thoughts to the rest.

Thanks, Artie!

Hope you have a good day of work.

I am seriously contemplating pretending that I have a GI bug so that I can get out of this family command performance today. None of these people asked me if I wanted to do this, or even if I was available. I know that family is important, but so is rest and so are boundaries.

(Being honest would not go well — that is not how my dad’s side of the family works.)

I'd pretend to have that illness. Both my parents' and their sides of the family don't understand rest or boundaries. Had to be "sick enough", no such thing as saying I was tired or just didn't want to.

You need your rest.

In weather from hell, it's snowing there. AKA I wrote my chair about her outing me (basically saying, don't do that again) and while I don't think she understood the issue, she did apologize.

Also I just read the phrase "estranged widow" in a story. I know what the author was getting at, but it still made me chuckle.

Well, I sent off my apology by email. And I booked a cruise for the week before school starts. It only goes to Bermuda, but it was cheap and I will be pampered and I deserve it.

This group is at our extended campus, and the colleague whom I believe to be involved in this drama, who is always involved in drama with the students there, is also at that campus. I've taught there every year, usually 2 classes a year, for 14 years. Many faculty only teach once every 2 or 3 years, if at all. I've decided I'm not going to teach up there voluntarily any longer. If the department really wants that program to thrive, and wants to maintain high academic standards, I need to see a commitment to that, in terms of actions rather than words. They can't do it off my back anymore. I'm done.

If they think I'm too harsh and my grading standards are too high, screw 'em. We just pass everybody anyway, so I need to stop working so damn hard.

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It’s past noon. I am waiting in the drive up line for my son’s 9:45 COVID testing appointment.

He has a cold (probably, classic symptoms), so this is an “abundance of caution” test. But still. I am hungry and hot and irritated.

Hope your son is OK, WFS.

Hope everything's ok with your son, WFS. Sorry it's taking so long!

Having a late lunch of yogurt with fresh cherries cut up in it on my afternoon break. Yummers!

So much sadness in the world. What can you do except hug and pass the tissues?