Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear Potential New T,

I feel like I am emailing just for the sake of emailing, so I am not going to do that and I imagine that will be ok with you. I will bring what needs to be brought to session, to session. I am ok right now, so I don't want or need to reach out. Let's just see how things go for the next few weeks, and I will save emailing for when I really feel the need to explain something or work something through.

Dear T,
I had an insight about why something may be affecting me the way it is. Two years ago, I'd have maybe emailed to tell you that. But I can just tell you tomorrow. (Progress!) Probably good if I think on it a little more first, too.

Love,
LT

Are you excited about seeing me? You must have been missing me terribly.

I don't know if I'll log on for tomorrow's appointment. Not like we have much to discuss anyways since the answers to all my problems are meds and yogurt.

Dear Individual IOP T: Please be amazing today and please let me continue seeing you after IOP is over. Can you just tell me if you will let me continue seeing you? Just put me out of my misery and let me know. If you aren't I'm going to stop trying so hard in therapy. If you are going to let me I will work as hard as I can. Please be amazing today. Please really be there for me and with me and for me and all that. Like really be on my side. Sometimes I feel like we are on opposite sides, but today I really want reassurance that you are on my side. Please. Thank you. Love Kit.

Well this is new, don't think you've ever ignored a message I sent you before? It's not even anything bad? Ah well. Maybe I annoyed you yesterday.

I trust that when you spoke about my openness making it possible for you...'or whoever else' to help, you were giving me permission to seek further support if needed.

Monday felt difficult, so it was needed. That doesn't explain why I'm feeling guilty about it, but we have enough to talk about on Thursday, without having that conversation.

I haven’t thought much about transference T since meeting with the new one yesterday. But I’ve thought about the new one a bit. But I haven’t dwelled much on any therapist today.

I just found out I haven’t deleted any of my voice messages since 2017. I found all the ones that my transference T had left for me. I forgot that she used to do this thing where she’d talk really fast and then talk a in slightly higher breathy like tone. I don’t know. Maybe that’s what turned me on. I still think it was her eyes. That message wasn’t as weird as the one from my old old Pdoc that I found in 2017.

I know I should delete the ones from my transference T for my own sake. But I kind of want to keep them. I don’t have any of our many emails and I really regret getting rid of them all.

Hey T. I am still thinking about last session, and everything you told me that reassured me that you still like me, and want me in therapy with you. I do still feel a bit guilty about taking up your Wednesday evenings from your kids, but your argument against it also made sense. See you tomorrow!

Hey E--See you Friday

Ok, it’s really beginning to annoy me now that you always start the session 3/4 minutes late but we always finish either bang in time or a minute or so early. I get that those few minutes probably aren’t significant to you, but they really are to me. You know it takes me a while to settle in to a session and begin talking so every second counts, especially when we only have 50 minutes as it is.
I’m getting more and more irritated by it each week. But I don’t know how to tell you that it really bugs me.
Maybe it’s because you are doing whatever you can to spend as little time as possible with me??
Really need to work out how to bring this up with you as it’s going to get in the way of some of the work we have been doing.

T you missed my appointment. It's not that I needed you today but I'm maybe going through a mood swing.

Sorry if bringing my baby to therapy was awkward. Not just the breastfeeding I mean the whole thing. You said I could do that so I thought it would be fine, but now I feel like an idiot.

t,

you’ve been disclosing more about yourself lately. what’s up with that?

me

Thank you for calling me, though I’m kind of disappointed. The contents of that certificate I ordered weren’t really anything I didn’t know already, so it was indeed a waste of money. Not your fault at all, and I’m glad you considered my needs even though you were so busy getting ready to go away. I hope you have a good time, anyway.

Hi R,

All I can do is tell the truth. I think we need to have that conversation tomorrow, as nervous as I am about it. I would be very grateful if you could acknowledge my email.

Just 'Got you - we'll talk about this in the morning' would be sufficient.

Thanks,

Lost

Dear T,
I'm glad we talked about what we did instead of what we'd intended to talk about (though we should discuss that Friday). Today's discussion felt connected (unlike Monday) and addressed some important stuff regarding D. It meant a lot, too, that you'd thought of me while reading that portion of the Gladwell book. (You got the name wrong on that, btw, but I found it.)

It seemed intentional that you took your glasses off when we were saying goodbye as well. And it felt nice that you said "take care," which you hadn't in a while.

Love,
LT

Dear IOP Individual T: I'm still gutted that you won't continue seeing me outside of IOP because I am too high risk. Geez. Way to make it all about me. But I used the impetus to look for a new therapist. I am looking for a telehealth one just because it is too dang hard to get somewhere in person and do all that stuff. I'm hoping this place I contacted will be helpful. I mean if not I still have the list from my Insurance case manager. I am really tenacious when it comes to my care so just because you won't see me, doesn't mean I won't find someone who will. I both love and hate you. I hope you pass your test though. HUG if we could, Kit

It feels like I've been stagnating for a long time now, and after Monday it feels like maybe we could start making forward progress. It has left me feeling like I need more than one session a week though. How are we going to do this in just an hour and a half a week? How are we going to ever get anywhere?

Oops.

(8 char)

Dear T,
Also, I had this sort of revelation a bit after session. I was saying how I felt like I should be able to help D with OCD things because I have OCD (and I've thought the same about her anxiety). But after session, it struck me: I have frequent headaches--yet I don't feel like I should be able to help anyone else who has headaches.

Why do I feel differently about mental health issues? Just because I have similar issues doesn't make me an expert. I mean, isn't that why I see you? Instead of random person who just happens to have the same mental health issues as me? Why do I expect to essentially be a Licensed Psychologist for my D?

Something to discuss next time.

Love,
LT

You suck. I'm done. I only showed today because I was bored, but next week I'm deleting the email so I can't show up because you are fking dangerous to me.

So I listened to all the voice messages from my transference T last night. And I haven’t been bothered by it today. I do hope I can tell my current T something that my transference T knew about and was really accepting of. I had planned on just saying it on Monday but I choked up and couldn’t even think of telling her. But it’s kind of a big part of my life and I have a self help podcast that is helping a lot and I listened to one today that talked about how to tell someone. It was actually very helpful. She said in the podcast to casually ease into it and say something like “so do you know anything about this thing?” Instead of just blurting it out or hesitating. I do want to discuss it. But it’s a very hard topic for me to talk about outside of message boards and other anonymous online platforms. My transference T was the only one that knew and we mostly discussed it in emails. One time after I had just told her in email she randomly said “do you want to talk about….” And I literally freaked out and said no and she said “ok” and backed off instead of pushing me because I was clearly very distressed and then I had to run to my moms closet so my mom couldn’t hear our conversation.

Hi T. Good session tonight; it went deeper than I expected, and sadder. I'm sorry about your past week, though! See ya next week.

Hi E...looking forward to seeing you Friday. I hope I don't spend the entire session trying not to bawl my eyes out. Ugh.

I keep having many recurring dreams. And one of them is with you in it. And I'm at the treatment facility I was in for 5 yrs. I guess you're there because I met you there. But these dreams aren't happy. Lately the recurring theme is that I'm getting kicked out and you just go along with it. I guess if I'd have to make some sense out of it I would say that this relates to your changing the rules in our therapy regarding outside contact. You told me it was hard for you as well and that you understand that it was painful. We've been over it 100 times. But this theme shows up often in my dreams and I wonder if it is because I kinda just moved on and ignored /avoided it rather than really sitting with it and working thru the immense pain that I felt