Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I can't stop crying. I'm in such a state. I truly don't know what to do.

I really hope I haven't messed up big time here!!

Dear T,
I'm glad you finally seem to get what went wrong (at least with the email exchange that night) 2 years ago. "Too soon" basically sums it up. I mean, OK, a couple other things, too, but that was the main part that upset me, where you were expecting me to learn from something when I was in that state. Better late than never, I guess.


Hope it works out to see you outside Wednesday, too. And while I wish you had more of a sense (any sense?) of what the parameters would be for opening back up inside, at least you haven't already decided that it won't be, say, before the end of this year (though that's doubtful, I imagine) or before spring. Though maybe your response suggests you'd be open to my thoughts on the parameters, that you might take my thoughts/opinions into account?

Love,
LT

It's not about thinking that I have to. It's about feeling like I should. But, and aha, what I know is that I don't want to. So, to hell with the shoulds, I guess.

I have this strange feeling of pity and indigestion because I miss my transference T terribly today and I don’t understand why I’m still feeling this so badly almost 9 months later. Not to mention I had my entire female reproductive system removed just over 2 weeks ago so I thought that would help too with my emotions about her. Maybe I’m just nervous about my appointment tomorrow. But I feel so sick about her right now I feel like I’m going to throw up.

I hope tomorrow goes ok. It will if I want it to. This therapist is different then the last 2. I just want to get over this feeling.

I miss you so much. I really hope it can be ok between us, and I really hope I don't have to say goodbye to you forever.

Maybe I will hear back from you tomorrow.

I am mortified that I sent that email. What is wrong with me? Am I emotionally sub normal? Maladaptive in my heart? What response am I expecting? I need to get a grip. What a loser.

Dear prospective new T: Really anxious about "meeting you" over zoom later this week. But I need to do this. I thought I was doing ok, but I'm not.

Dear exT: It's only been 2 weeks since our goodbye call. I wish now I hadn't taken that break, but I wasn't to know our session 7 weeks ago was going to be our last one. I got through losing you before. We had no communication for 3 months and eventually you stopped being the first thing on my mind every day.... but then you got in touch and we restarted therapy. Please don't do that again, I don't think I could bear it; (although I have a feeling you won't because you're becoming too ill).

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

I'm so sorry....

Maybe I should have just left this where it was. In the past. Maybe I should have just ignored your message and tried to forget about you. Maybe I should have just asked you to box my things up and left them on the doorstep for me. Maybe I am just making things worse for both of us here. But I still have that tiniest bit of trust in you. I must have, or I wouldn't have bothered to get back in touch. I wouldn't have even asked you if I didn't still have some of that belief that you would do what I consider to be the right thing.

Why haven't you replied though? You are probably just very busy still, but my mind has gone to all sorts of other places. Maybe you need time to think about it? I don't think I am being unreasonable, but I find it SO hard to tell sometimes.

I'm just trying to be honest whilst still being respectful and loving. It's HARD!!! I'm just trying here, T, and I hope you can see that.

I forgot to tell you I'm doing another shamanic workshop this weekend. Well, assuming I can finagle a split shift on Sunday.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I love you.

T is this really it? Are you the actual T that I have needed all along? I’m so scared to get my hopes up as in the past it’s all gone wrong when I’ve dared to hope, but something about our relationship feels so different to all my past Ts. I already feel like I could pretty much say anything to you and you would react in the right manner. It’s my own shame that is stopping me from telling you things, rather than it being because I’m worried you will judge me.
I come out of sessions feeling warmth rather than judged and paranoid. I thought in the past that this was just the way I react to sessions, but I’m beginning to think now it was because my ex Ts were just not right for me.
I know it’s still very early days and it could still all go dreadfully wrong, but right now I guess I just want to say thank you for being you.

Oops.

(Again but for a different reason this time)

(and I kinda hope you don't respond but I kinda hope you do too)

Thank you. I'm so glad you think it all makes sense because it sure does to me. See you next month.

Dear Ex T,

I wish it didn't have to end, but it does, doesn't it. I have written you a poem and I want to draw you a picture. I will write the poem on the picture. And I will make a copy so I will have one too.

I so want to ask you about the future, but I don't dare. This is now the one thing that will go left unspoken I think, unless I can be very brave.

If I can't, I will probably just write to you regardless, and leave it up to you to decide what to do with that.

I can't let you go completely. I just can't.

Hey T. I think this is the first, maybe second time, that you haven't responded to an email. I am sure your life is crazy and that is why you haven't. Still. I will see you tomorrow though. Please don't last minute cancel on me

Dear Ex T,

And finally I feel like I can breathe. Finally I feel like I can start to move on... Properly. Finally I feel like I can let myself free.

Dear Potential New T,

Let's see how you are at replying to emails then shall we? A test? Well I wouldn't be me if I didn't test you!

Dear Temp T,

Honestly, I meant everything I said. In a way I am gutted that you don't feel like the right person to carry on with here, but I am so glad that I found you, because you really really seemed to get it, and I needed that. You really seemed to understand the relationship that I had with Ex T. I think you understood it because I think you have experienced it before, with another client. And I think you would have provided that for me again. Oh how I am tempted! But I just don't think I am in a place where I need that anymore. I want it... God I want it so bad, but I really do wonder whether what I need is something different. Time will tell, I guess, and I am grateful that you said I can come back. If it doesn't work here. If she is too 'hard', too 'strict'. Thank you for that, too.

You have been the transition that I should have had with Ex T. You have been the transition that her plan should have facilitated and I honestly can't thank you enough for that. But I also thank me, because I'm the one that kept looking. I'm the one who didn't settle for anything less than what was right for me. I've come a long long way in that respect!!

Dear IOP Individual T: I wonder if you would have fought for me to stay in program like my case manager did. I wonder if you were for kicking me out of IOP. I wonder how you are going to feel about me still being in program when you get back from vacation. You may have thought you would never have to see me again. Now we are going to have this awkward session and I wonder how you are going to deal with that? I know you want me to be vulnerable with you but I think you've lost some of my trust. I freely gave it to you in the beginning but slowly things have eroded that trust between us. The darndest thing is that I really do like you. And I really want you to like me. Pathetic. I am pathetic. Well you are on vacation now so hopefully you aren't thinking of me. Hopefully you are enjoying your time off and not thinking about work. Oh and I got an appointment with my psychiatrist since the ER doctor only gave me 10 days of medication and didn't give me any refills. I've read your email to me several times and it just makes me sad. I do think you tried your best. I do think you are right, I need a more experienced T. I wish I had found you five years from now when you had some experience under your belt because you are a good T. I still think we could have done some good work together. I'm awfully forgiving. I'm thinking of you even if I am the farthest thing from your mind. Kit

Dear T,
Thanks for the reply (including the smiley). And nice to see you in person today, despite the awkwardness of seeing ex-MC for a moment. It is hitting me more a bit now, but I think that can hold until Friday.
Love,
LT

Hey T. Weird, it is like you totally forgot I wrote you an email. I was expecting you to apologize for not writing back, except you never mentioned it, and I certainly wasn't about to bring it up. Oh well. You do have a lot going on, and that is just the tiny sliver I know. Are you really going to make me talk to an empty chair next week? I have a feeling it won't go well.

Is there some kind of unwritten rule that session cancellations should coincide with a client's period of greatest need? The cancellation can't be helped, I understand that.
'Hope your week has been OK' is a dead giveaway that you haven't read my email.

Dear T,
I actually ended up really struggling for a stretch last night, but my friend helped me through it. I'm not sure if it was a reaction to ex-MC leading to symptoms, or if it was that I had a bit of a bug or something, then I attributed the symptoms to that. I'd almost rather think it was a bug (not Covid--I did a home test to be safe) because part of me feels like I shouldn't be reacting that strongly to him after all this time. But I suppose seeing someone in the flesh is different than just knowing they exist in the abstract.

I actually wonder if my symptoms were at least in part due to my trying to suppress my reaction. Telling you (in session and in the brief email--thanks for your quick reply, btw) that I'm fine, telling a couple friends that, saying that on here, saying that to H. Was I trying to convince other people or convince myself?

I was tempted during the panic/feeling sick last night to ask if you had anything today, but I'm glad I just waited it out until this morning. In part because I think it's better to know I can get through it, but also because it gives me time to figure out what this may actually be about.

Love,
LT

I like how your not like “weight loss is unhealthy and you shouldn’t be doing it.” I like how you are encouraging it but in a healthy way and you are giving out healthy suggestions. My transference T and my bigot T got upset about my weight loss talk. You acknowledged that I am considered overweight but just barely and that my goal weight is fine. But to be honest I’m about to lose my mind from not eating much today. I hope you can help me make legit weight loss progress in a healthy way.

Also Pdoc: I’m trying to lose weight but it hasn’t been in a very healthy way. And on Monday my therapist and I had to call poison control. But she didn’t say I needed to go IP immediately the way most therapists would. She assessed the situation and then we made the call in her office to make sure I was ok. Which I was. But she and poison control want me to talk to you about this. Also my surgery was successful and I have not been S since and I didn’t have PMS for the first time since I was a teenager.