Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I wouldn’t be being honest with you or poison control center if I did what I want to do right now. You said you are worried one day I won’t wake up if this continues. Yeah people have said that to me before. But I’m nervous and meds are the only thing I can think of to calm myself. I think the soda I had today was the issue. I don’t plan on having one again because of physical med side effects. I’m already tired so maybe if I just take my usual Geodon and 3 melatonin instead of my Geodon, 4 melatonin, and an extra Valium things will be fine.

Dear K

Let me be a part of your life... Please. And please stay a part of mine. People 'adopt' people all the time, and I don't see why this should be any different. I know that it changes the relationship, I know that it will cause some level of uncertainty, even maybe some level of difficulty, but I need this. For my own good. Please.

I just cannot accept that I will never see you again. I cannot accept that you are gone forever. I cannot and will not accept that. I'm sorry. And seeing you today meant that I now know that it isn't what you want either.

I believe that we will meet again. I believe that we can have a different relationship in the future. I believe that we were meant to meet, and that we were meant to stay connected.

I will write. And I'm pretty sure you will respond. Somehow. Knowing that will give me hope... Strength... Power.

I love you K, even though I didn't say it today. I didn't need to say it today. I felt it from you and I'm sure you felt it from me.

Don’t freak out. It happened after we met on Wednesday.

Hey L. I just kinda used you if that's the right word to get me through a very rough call with a member at work. She began screaming at me almost immediately, loudly and speaking VERY fast, without taking a breath, not allowing me to speak... I mentally/emotionally grasped onto our connection as fast as I could to remain calm and not get pulled into her drama, then further pictured myself as you always look, sitting over there in your chair all serene even when I used to be freaking out a mile a minute on the couch across from you. It helped a lot. We got through the call and I was able to do everything she needed done. She'd calmed down a LOT by the time we hung up.

Looking forward to Saturday, though I hope I can get the rest of the stuff we need before I come over. I had to pick the recipe that had hard to find ingredients, didn’t I?! I’m really, really hoping D will email me again soon, and that she will try the other address I found. Do you think I’m clutching at straws? I wouldn’t be surprised, because I am getting kind of desperate…

Dear T,
I wish I could talk to you right now after my freakout during PT. I feel embarrassed, even though they were very kind about it. I think I probably need to cancel my other appointments. I've now been triggered in some way in 1/3 of my visits, through no real fault of theirs. I wonder if it's possible that there's something that happened to me preverbally or that I blocked out? I've always been very sensitive about my neck and had certain fears. I mean, that likely came from *something*, right? Think we need to spend some time on that tomorrow. Instead of necessarily discussing what I'd thought of re: D.

Love,
LT

Stop talking about us ending. I hate it. I panic and when I panic I become particularly nasty and when I become particularly nasty you become particularly defensive and when you become particularly defensive I become particularly panicked and when I become particularly panicked I become particularly nasty which ends in me being hurt because you sit there wishing the end would come sooner.

I don’t regret cancelling with you. It was the right thing to do because I am legit sick today. Plus I’m not in a crisis anyways and my credit card could use a break from you. I did have a lot to talk about. But it can wait.

E--I really appreciate the weekend emails. I hope they don't go away anytime soon. They help.

T--See you tomorrow. Can't wait to talk about my mom visiting!! *insert sarcasm*

Dear Ex T,

I feel so sick. Sick to the stomach. I regret using any of that time to talk about my dilemma, with you. I regret you talking about Teenage One so much. That wasn't what that time was for and I am gutted with how yesterday went. I want a do-over. I need more time. Please. Please just let me be with you. Please. OH MY GOD!!!!!!! I can't do this. Not in just one session. 5 years doesn't just end in one session. Seriously. Are you deluded? It's like a drug.... therapy, and you need to taper down from it, not just have it cruelly taken away from you. Please. T, Please. I am begging you. What the hell am I supposed to do with all of this craving? All of this..... needing!?!? And so I am not sure that yesterday was a good idea after all. It just reminded me of what we did have.... what we should still have. Oh T. How the hell do I do this????????????

Thanks for replying back to my email and saying you hope we all feel better soon. But why did you sign it “best”? I’ve never had an email signed off that way. I found it not exactly corny but kinda amusing.

But yes, today is not a good day physically for me to do therapy.

No reply from D yet, I’m hoping I’ll get something this week though. Ugh, not knowing what’s going on or will happen is horrible. I had an imaginary, but still tough conversation in my head with “that” sibling while cleaning the toilets at work, lol. I’m wondering what you’d say about that!
Sending virtual pets to your dog, she’s a sweetie.

I’m glad you stopped with all that laughing stuff after our first session. I think you realized that I am not the laughing type person and I prefer sessions to be more serious instead of goofing off. But I still like that you are not a robot and still show emotion at times.

As for my transference T I can’t remember the last time I legit dug myself into a deep depression over missing her. But it’s been since before my surgery. I don’t drink the blue fruit tea. I don’t eat the Aero mint bars despite having one left. I probably will eat and drink them again just because I like them. But I don’t know. I just don’t feel much anymore towards her. I told my Pdoc I had a new therapist Who I really liked. I have only seen that man change his tone of voice one time but when I said I really liked my new therapist I swear he looked sad. I think he wanted it to continue to work out between me and transference T. But he didn’t understand everything that was going on with her.

But yeah that was a really rough 9 or however many months and I truly didn’t think it would ever come to an the end but it finally did. I just had to have major surgery and remove my entire female reproductive system. But to be able to get rid of these feelings was worth it.

Hey you. I am thinking this afternoon about how lately I really am feeling the most physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy that I've ever felt in the entire 10 years we've been doing this therapy thing/whatever it is now. I'm handling family "stuff" better than I would have ever imagined. Thank you SO much for sticking with me through all my BS. I appreciate you more than you know.


See you a week from Friday!!

Good session tonight, T. Though, this self-forgiveness thing is practically laughable.

Ex T, I really should have waited until after my birthday to have seen you. How can I go see family tomorrow pretending everything is ok. I can't stomach my food at all right now, and yet we are going out for dinner. All I can hope and pray for is that you reply favourably to my email, and that some of this nausea and real umsettledness can be calmed. I don't know if that is possible of not, but it feels essential. Trying to think how else I can get these emotions out... God, I'm really not used to feeling like this. Take me back to the good old days of not feeling, please! But yeah, I wish I had waited. I wish I had waited forever, in a way, because then there always would be that meeting to 'look forward to'. Now there is just uncertainty and grief and more confusion I guess. I am sure it will pass, in time. It always passes in time.

I'm just not sure I NEED to be feeling this level of grief, K. Not unless what we had wasn't real. Not unless you really don't have those feelings for me. If it was real, and if it was there then why cant we keep it alive. That's what is in my best interests. And that's the whole point of this, isn't it. I know you don't have to. You have no obligation to. You have technically done your duty now, but.... But.... I STILL NEED YOU!!

Not to do this work with (that's why I am annoyed you brought up Teenage One so much). But just to still BE in my life, in some tiny, limited, distant, supportive way. I guess. Like Old T was throughout our time together.

Oh my dear K, what would happen if I still wasn't over this in a year's time and I reached out to you? You said you are tired... Now. You said that life was taking its toll... Now. But we know things change.

Won't you come back then and give me the proper tapering that this work should have had??

Am I regretting entering into this process? God... Now there's a question!! Wow. My first, instant reaction would be yes. Then they would change to no. And then it would probably change back to yes again. It really has been a rollercoaster. It still is a rollercoaster. Sadly I think it has made life more of a rollercoaster, for me. Hmmmm, actually, I'm not so sure that is true. Before all of this with you.... Life was actually quite settled. Think back to the beginning of the year.....

Why did we have to have a pandemic? Why did this have to happen now? We have had the most unsettled 18 months, and on the back of that you have had all this going on which made you unable to continue. I wish we had had more settled time. I wish we had had a more gentle end to this. Those months that you said we could have.

Ok. Deal time. I will keep going with Potential New T until the 23rd. I will take my time (I'm really not very good at that at all) and I will just see how this pans out in time. Maybe that's all I can do. Maybe that's all I need to do right now.

I love you T, and I hope that we can find a way. You said the door never closes. You said we will always find a way. You said that you are just over there.

Gardening is so good for me. Your message today was right, we do sometimes forget that we have the resources within us. At the the though it seems like no resources in the world will help.

But my early morning gardening did help this morning. Digging out the compost heap, laying mulch on the beds. I feel close to you when I am gardening, and that feels amazing. And then there are all the analogies to life.

Putting the garden to bed for the winter. Weeding out the small weeds that have grown (the negative thoughts and the self doubt) and putting a giant blanket over them, wrapping the tender plants up and tucking them in.

Planting the bulbs, burying them underground, invisible, you can't see them growing, but they are there, doing their thing. And then we wait, we find other ways to occupy our time, other activities, until spring, when the bulbs shoots start to look above the ground and hope returns with renewed vigour.

And now I am at the beach, about to collect pebbles. Pebbles which I will paint and on them I will write all of the beautiful things that you have ever said or written to me. I wish I had a better memory. I guess that's why I wish you had said more of that yesterday, because I may have been able to rember better. But I know it, in my heart, and that's what matters I guess.

Take care, my wonderful K,

Me

We might be getting closer, got that email from D today and it’s made me feel more hopeful, but also kind of freaking out because things are getting more ‘real’. And knowing how things go in my life, it could all end up being a disaster or huge anticlimax. It’s difficult not to build things up in my head, I need to remember to keep the fantasies and hopes low key, at least for now.
I wonder what your dog will make of us cooking? It will be funny if she sits there hoping for one of us to drop something!

You know how you said you "cured" my eating disorder by telling me to eat yogurt? Well, the nurse weighed me. I'm not cured, and she's quite worried. I still want the number to go down. I didn't eat anything yesterday or today so far. Before that I spent practically two whole days binging and purging. The nurse wants me to call the crisis line or go to the ER mostly because of the command hallucinations. I did set up an appointment with you. I'm not doing well, so I fully expect you to tell me to go to group to talk about things or go IP so you don't have to do your job.

I'm also probably in a mixed episode. Hopefully I won't be by the time of our appointment, but prep yourself just in case.

But please help me? I don't want to wind up IP again. I just need to figure out how to get over this block that keeps me from eating and figure out how to actually implement my coping skills instead of "I want to get high" or screaming and throwing ****.

E-OMG, you take my insurance now!!!! *does happy dance*

Thank you for understanding the emotional hit of the last week. I wasn't sure what I was expecting when I went to see her, but it wasn't what I got.

There is a world of difference between 'Hello, darling' and 'I know you.'

I wish today was tomorrow so we could talk, but then we would only have one session left before your medical leave.

Are you going to be pissed at my “rapid” weight loss when we meet next Wednesday? I don’t think I can really control how fast I’m losing at this point. It’s not like I’m starving myself. I’m still eating the amount I was the last time we met. I’m also barely moving around let alone doing any excessive type of exercise It’s just the surgery itself can cause weight loss and it’s also my new med and the intermittent fasting I started that my Pdoc both prescribed and recommended.

Also do you not like me anymore after the poison control center incident? I was happy with the way that session went and how you handled it and the way the session after that went but now that I think of it I feel like at the last session you were kinda acting kind of wary and kind of like I was more of a complicated case then you had first realized and maybe the whole humor stuff that went on at our first session wasn’t for us and we are going to have serious sessions.

Is this the start of transference T part 2?

I hope the injection nurse emailed you and let you know my eating is fked and I'm having command hallucinations. I was really hoping not to see you ever again, but alas I am desperate and the injection nurse wanted me to check in with you. Hopefully this will be our last session.