Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

For all the frustration and rabbit holes that the lack of information about you online has caused me, I have maybe just realised today that it could be a good thing. Having researched this new lady only a little I have found out more than I probably want to know, and I can't unknow it now. This will be interesting, to see how it works out. Will it interfere with the work we are doing or not? I think there is something HUGE to be said for therapists creating an online presence that gives clients a peek in the door but only to a well thought out, well intentioned, purposefully created waiting room. The door to their inner world should, in my opinion, remain closed, but by provided this little piece of themselves they are accepting that natural curiosity and old wounded parts mean that clients will sometimes look, and having something means they may dig no further.

Ps, I miss you like crazy and I love you. I wanted to write that in the text, but I didn't want to make it weird or make you think I wanted you to say it back. I don't. I just want you to know, because it's true.

I got the sports water bottle and the silicone straws you suggested. I braved Walmart at 3 in the afternoon to go get them. I’ll wait on the chewlery until I get more money. I’m glad you at least understand about my oral fixation even if you don’t get or understand much else about me.

I will also think about your question you asked me on our way out. To think about about why I can go from 0 to 60 so quickly sometimes. Although I can tell you that food is often involved. Or lack of it.

The dream I had last night - you are going to find very interesting indeed. I think I won't even bother sharing any of the rest of them - I dreamed every night, multiple dreams, while on vacation. But last night's, after we were back home, tops them all. We would need a 2+ hour session on Friday to be able to talk about all of them.... something about being in those old mining towns just really stirs my dream-maker to be active and it hasn't yet settled down I guess! I have lots of dream work to do before we next meet. 8 dreams since 8/13!! and that's just so far... there's still 4 more nights... my dream maker gonna need a vacay.

Two griefquakes in two days - I am approaching my limit.
Two more sleeps.

I hope I ask you the question today and we focus on that today and Thursday as you will be gone the following 2 weeks. And I hope you don't leave it to me to decide. Because I've already decided that though I want one of those phone calls, I will not ask for one - only accept one if you feel like it would be in my best interest. And if you do not offer one, I will hurt and I will believe that you do not care or at least feel that it is in my best interest. I already want to quit so badly.

And I am not so sure we've solved anything anymore.

Looking forward to our next session, hopefully I won’t have any breakdowns but I’m sure it will be emotional. Actually, I think I feel comfortable with the idea of getting upset in front of you and D, as much as I hate crying in the first place. But these are ‘big’ things we’re going to be unpacking, so who could blame me?

I drank the tea that reminds me of my transference T yesterday before my therapy session with my current T. I figured maybe drinking it before therapy with this therapist will help me get over my transference T. I think it worked a bit. I haven’t thought of my transference T since yesterday morning. And I’m not expecting an email from her anymore. Now I’m just checking my email out of boredom.

But I’m hoping that this thought pattern is permanent and I can finally get rid of transference T from my mind. It was 6 months yesterday that we ended things.

I do sometimes think of the part of the song Wrecking Ball that goes “don’t you ever say, I just walked away” because there were reasons.

I'm going to see how long I can avoid you before someone (aprn probably) forces an appointment on me.

I had a session with J today. I had kind of forgotten that I actually quite liked it there, even if the room is very small and even if I'm not sure how we would work creatively. She has the stuff, so must be able to make it work, but I can't see it, for now. She had the chairs side by side ready, which was good.

I will be seeing her for three sessions before I am due back to see B again. Just trialling. Seeing how things go.

Sat here in bed though I think I realised why I thought B was quite good. She was active in the therapy. She didn't just wait for me. She took the initiative to move her chair around. She asked me how I would like the room in future. She asked questions and she had the suggestion about using the paper to write out th boundaries. She didn't just wait for me, and I think that is why I thought she was quite good. I don't like her use of the word boundaries though, and I don't like her boundaries either, but I'm conscious that that could be old stuff talking. I never was given many boundaries as a Teenager, and I rebelled against any that were set, so it's not something I have a particularly healthy experience with. Maybe that in itself is a reason to give her a go.

She said she totally understood that I was in a process of finding someone to work with, and that it was no problem to cancel if I felt I needed to. She said that she advocates finding the right person to do this with, which is a good thing I think.

I didn't think I would, but I told J a little bit about our relationship today, how it enabled th integration of Little One, how you said you loved me on that final day, about the work we did together.

She is the third person now to mention speaking to you. I don't think you would go for it though, for some reason. I don't know why, if all these people seem to think it is something that can be done.

She talked about maybe me trying to take back some control by setting a date, by which I would close the door on you if you hadn't got in touch. I guess this is what led to me opening up about the work we did and about the relationship because I remember saying that I didn't think I would ever close the door on you. Not for your sake but for mine... It feels cruel, like shutting the door on Little One. I said I would always leave the door open, even if I didn't think you were on the other side anymore.

I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope you will come back in some way.

Well that went about as badly as it could go

I don't know what to do. I can't stand the new pdoc and it really bothers me that the 2 of you don't have a connection like you and Dr. W. did. I feel bad because you're having to hear all my complaining, but I don't know what to do.

I'm worried about how some of what I have to say might come out, but I've reached a point where I need tomorrow's session.

Speak to you in the morning.

I told my mom in the car today that everything that happened to me in the last 2 years (I was talking about good things) happened as a result of my transference T. So I don’t know. Besides that conversation I just had a brief thought of her and I had this like weird feeling that felt like it got caught in my throat.

But mainly today I’m worried about going back to virtual with my current therapist and having this history repeat itself of having to say goodbye to another therapist through telehealth.

There’s talk going on about that stuff happening. But if she’s against the vaccine then maybe she’ll just choose to stay open. Honestly I only saw 2 other therapists in that office one time. And I’ve been the only client in the waiting room the last 2 times. So I’m wondering if everyone but her has already gone back to virtual.

I’m also wondering though if I’m putting myself and my family at risk continuing to see her in person. It’s just a weird time in the world.

I am ready-freddy for Friday to get here!


I plan on spending some more time with my dreams after I get off work today. I have I suppose been avoiding doing that round-table kinda thing with that one dream, I always seem to avoid those. I dunno. It's just weird, I guess. But I'll do it.

there's a lot more of them in the past week and a half since we last met. I've worked with a couple but not all of them yet. Too much fertile ground lately, for pete's sake. I'm trying to see you less often, but my annoying dream-maker appears to want me to see you more often. Navajo rabbit. But no! I know how to work with my dreams. I just haven't been doing it again. At least there's still time before Friday for me to do so... there will be no more 'dream dumping' and I mean that.

I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you.

Why does this happen? Why do you say hurtful stuff at the end of session? Why do we have ruptures when we have breaks? I've always assumed it was my stuff but I was talking to a friend tonight who said they wondered about your attachment patterns and that was a bit of a revelation to me.

Emailing you is the last thing I want to do. But I don’t know what else to do. Hopefully I can just sleep this off.

I might have flipped **** to much yesterday. My husband doesn't want to talk about anything until I get home. He doesn't know that spikes my anxiety. I imagine them all gaining up on me when I get home.

Hey L! Well, I did that round table thing you suggested with the 4 from that one dream. I may or may not share it with you. I'm tempted to judge and call it "stupid" but it's what happened, so... anyway. Now I'm working on typing up all the stuff I've been scribbling in my journal for the past week and a half. I think I'm going to need 4 hours on Friday. Ha ha!