Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

You told me in your email to try other platforms if I’m concerned. So I did this morning and I think I figured out a way I can do things without getting so spooked that I live off the grid all weekend and ignore both my phone and the TV.

I wish I could continue to see you even though you are transferring me. Whenever that will be. You have so many good suggestions on how to handle my anxiety and sensory needs.

You legit help even though I’m probably putting my physical health at risk since your not vaccinated. But since there’s no transference going on I can actually work with you instead of thinking of how hot you are.

Hey T, hope that referral works out. See you Wednesday.

thanks again for that suggestion, L. I feel like it was helpful in letting go of that particular bundle of shame. I feel like I don't need to come this week anymore, but you know me, I'm going to anyway. There's always, always something to talk about.

Stepping back into advocacy spaces entails decision making that I wasn't expecting.
I don't know what to do with this any more - the fact that I regularly consider deleting the blog makes me reluctant to agree to the organisation linking to it.

I've disabled all comments for now, but the fact is, my stomach lurches every time I go back there. How is that good?

Prep yourself for our appointment today. I am not myself.

I need Friday to be tomorrow, like yesterday! This last week has been surprisingly emotional.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I felt connected to you, even though it's not like we were talking about the therapeutic relationship (well, very briefly there, at one point). I was afraid you'd be all distracted due to leaving town tomorrow, particularly as you've seemed pretty scattered in terms of scheduling these past couple days. But you seemed engaged.

Good to know you'll be checking email--and that you also said you were glad I'd asked (because it suggests you are in fact OK with it).

I'm glad I was able to make you laugh with my "crush the competition!" I think it's better that we ended on that lighter note rather than my sobbing about your leaving (though I did cry a little bit about that).

Of course I'm worried about your safety, not just in terms of Covid, but also because I think you'll be driving tomorrow during storm. So, please, be safe. OK?

Love,
LT

I don’t need to tell you about last night. I don’t want to mess up anything I have going on right now. I didn’t stay ahead of my anxiety yesterday and I didn’t take my Valium at the correct times. So that’s why my anxiety got out of control last night. I’ll just ask my mom to hide my meds again tonight. She thought I was dizzy because I needed to eat. Not because I had taken an extra 40mil of one of my meds. But I do want to tell you the stuff you suggested I buy for anxiety and sensory relief has been helping me a lot. I hope you don’t get annoyed when I have my mask on. But I don’t want to wipe out my entire family with Covid because your not vaccinated.

remember how i told you i was going to start writing articles for our departmental newsletter, starting with one about the culture ambassador stuff? i haven't done it yet. i don't know why. I need you to kick my butt into gear about that on Friday so i can get it done. Maybe i will surprise myself and get it done before I see you.

Oh another holiday, what a delight. Here's a philosophical question for you:

Is therapy still therapy when it is more holiday than therapy?

I hate you going on holiday as much as I hate men wearing aftershave and people who sneeze on public transport. I hate it as much as I hate twisted bra straps and people who eat with their mouths open.

Why do you go on holiday? Why don't you want to speak to me every week? Why don't you do what I want?

I hate when you have to cancel last minute 😢

okay so i listened to your voice in my head telling me "Art, you know how to kick your own butt" so I did and wrote/submitted the newsletter article! I'm grateful for this version of you that I carry around in my head. I probably don't listen to it as often as I should but I'm still grateful that it's there.

I am scared and I want you but what would be the point of that because I can’t talk when i see you, it’s utterly utterly hopeless and anyway it’s 20 days isn’t it. I know it’s my own stupid fault for not being able to do remote sessions anymore but the pain of knowing that you’re ‘seeing’ all your other clients and not me this week, that you’re ‘here’ but you’re not….is severe. Of course I get it, adult me gets it, but other parts do not and I am afraid we’re on really dangerous ground. You being away and R being away feels like a perfect storm and I feel like I did in November and I don’t want that to happen again but I can’t bring myself to tell anyone outloud. Help.

This is one of the ways therapy works: by reprogramming the inner parent.

Please stop treating me like your friend. I'm your client, in therapy for my problems, remember?

It's hard for me to take you seriously on the topic of my "irritability" and "arrogance" when you are pissy with me and are unwilling to consider that you might be wrong.

Eff off.

I hate you for being away this week. I need support, and since you are the only loopy old bat who appears to understand my incompatibility with other humans, I want to speak to you. Tonight and tomorrow are hellish, nightmares in my waking hours. I need you!! Memories of your stupid words and half-arsed sentiments are no good to me. I need you. I am furious that you have left me to deal with life and people in this way. I am a stupid baby in a woman's body. Well, whatever. I will drink myself sick and that will serve everyone right, including you when I berate you in our next session for leaving me. If there is a next session, I might rage quit again. Ha, then you'll be sorry*.

*of course you won't. You will breathe a sigh or relief and that makes this all the more infuriating.

You asked me yesterday if I do anything else. I didn’t want to ask what you meant because I thought I knew what you were talking about. But yes I do other things that may make you flip out if I tell you. Since you don’t seem to be able to handle the 2 things I already told you I do.

I need to ask you at our next session what exactly is your issue. Are you just worried about how these things are affecting my teeth? Or are you just plain not accepting of them and think they are weird things to use as a coping skill.

I don't think I can take it any/much longer. I'm trying to remember dedication and determination.

Dear T: Are you even helping me? I hardly see you so it's hard to know if you actually have any sort of impact on my life at all. And you don't talk much. So I am not getting much feedback. UGH. Kit

It's weird that it's taken me 13 hours to compute the fact that reading my own words back to me is the ultimate way of reflecting something back...and the fact that I crumbled as soon as you did that makes perfect sense.

Now - as for what I need...I can only answer part of that question. The other half, I am sure you know. I am going to need your help to avoid retreating as I often do after a vulnerable conversation.

I loathe being essentially on my own with these big feelings.

"I'm still here..."

You aren't here, though, and that's part of the problem. It's easier for me to let certain things hit the air if we're in the same place.

L, I am pretty nervous about my dr appt in the morning. So glad I'll be seeing you 3 hours after it. You don't mind if I camp out in your driveway for a couple of those hours do you? Nah just kidding. I'll be fine. I am going to continue thinking positively no matter what.


And I swear to all that is holy if when I tell you, you say "well what did you expect" like you said about h's liver thing - I may never speak to you again.

I used the other one last night. I know you don’t approve but I just really wanted it.

I see you at 10 on Thursday and then I have my ultrasound and exam at 2:30. Honestly I’m thinking of cancelling with you that day. I know if you were transference T I’d be flooding my basement thinking of how concerned she would be the whole time. But you are not transference T and I feel like you may make the situation worse and me more anxious. Especially when I tell you I’m worried about the pain that may be involved. I’m worried you are going to say that “yeah there’s going to be pain. But just control what’s in your control.” And honestly you can go **** yourself with that whole “control what you can” statement you always say. I find it completely invalidating of my feelings.

So maybe I should just cancel with you on that day.

Today was better than I expected, though once again I’m not feeling how I expected to. I have a more sober outlook on the whole situation, though thinking about what M. Senior was like is unexpectedly funny to me.

So I cancelled. I told you it would be too stressful to do therapy and the ultrasound on the same day. I made some comment about thinking therapy wouldn’t help. You replied back a couple hours later and said you couldn’t reschedule but “good luck at your appointment!” I read that last part in Squidwards voice when he’s being sarcastic. It would have been nice if you had asked why I thought therapy wouldn’t be helpful that day. But whatever I guess. At least I won’t have another $40 charge on my card. And at least you won’t make me so nervous I tense up during the exam which will cause even more pain.

I’m glad I cancelled and I’m not too upset you didn’t have any other openings next week.