Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Give me what I want.

I hope you didn’t mind me texting you this morning; I was going to text my friend but decided it was maybe not the best thing for her to read first thing. Obviously it’s nothing serious, just me spotting one of life’s ironies well after the fact. I wonder how I’d have felt if I’d realised at the time?

I sort of wish I could talk to you, T. If I get into the IOP I will have to cancel and reschedule my September 7th appointment and then who knows when I will get in. If I don't get into the IOP I guess I will talk to you on the 7th. A month really is too long. You need to work more than 2 days a week.

This part of the process is telling me that a) I'm really not good at sitting with feelings (though can you blame me, I've only started really feeling them in the last few years) and b) I have the patience of a two year old.

Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy.

Sadly Mummy is busy right now and just cannot be ther for me. I'm still trusting that you will come back in some way though (even if just to say goodbye properly), which is a good thing though I think. Please don't let me down. Please.

Well, that was one for the books!! Thank you so much. I am just in awe sometimes at this whole process. I could have kept going for hours today. Thanks for asking me to read the last dream, the one that I said I was holding because it would take a full session to discuss. Now you can be ready for next week. I will do the active imagination I already planned on doing having a more full conversation with her and her mother, and then I will write that "therapy letter" to her that you suggested and do the ritual burning of it. Then we can talk about all of the 'stuff' I have already written after the dream.

I forgot to ask for a hug today. I think maybe I don't want to, is why. Like I said 3 weeks ago or whenever I think psychologically it's been good for me not getting them in some ways.


I still love you, though.

day 1 of 17.

Hey E. Art really has been bringing up deep feelings. It sort of boggles my mind. I am glad that we are working together, even if it is costing me all the monies.

I contacted someone yesterday, a therapist, but I didn't contact her for therapy. I contacted her because she is also a writer, and I am looking for someone to be able to help me to finish off my book, when the time comes. I am only at 20,000 words, so I do still have a long way to go, but I just didn't really like the idea of writing it and then doing nothing with it. A huge part of me does want to get to the stage one day where I am free to share my story with the world, but the main reason I am writing it is because there is next to nothing around about the type of therapy that we did. I have spent a long time searching for books/articles/accounts about it but if they are there, they are very thin on the ground and the brave part of me does want to put this out there so that maybe, possibly, it will help therapists to see it from a clients perspective and maybe, possibly, it will help someone one day to make sense of the journey they are on. To know that they aren't alone.

I don't know. Maybe it is a stupid idea, but I am honouring the part of me that wants to do this and in a way I am finding the process helpful, though I am not sure that I should be writing the chapter that I am writing at the moment, without a trauma therapist in my life. It is the chapter that recounts what happened to me, and I am wondering if I should maybe just skip over this bit for now, until I have the right support in place.

I wonder if this lady will say that she will help me. I think that would be pretty cool!

I suppose the only thing I can do on Thursday is read my notes as I wrote them whilst the waves were rolling. You'd see right through me trying to put any distance between me and my feelings.


Feeling like an idiot for asking whether grief is a form of stress during that workshop this evening.

Dear Old T,

Now I am curious. I probably wont hear from you for another month, I am guessing. I am giving myself that as a timeline I think, and anything before then will be a pleasant surprise. I think I will keep seeing this new lady because a month is a long time to go without any momentum, and because I have found talking to her about everything with T quite helpful. She seemed accepting of the relationship that we had and even said that she felt she had been in a couple similar in her time, so can understand I think.

But I am very keen to meet with the lady that you said you have been in discussions with and I am curious to know what you have talked about. I trust you but I am still curious as to what has been said and I am interested to know what she is like. I hope it doesn't go like that one that you thought would be a good fit for me last time!!! That was a bit of a disaster wasn't it, and I am still glad that you never left when she asked you to - I am not sure I would have come out alive if you hadn't been there!

I am feeling optimistic, but also aware that it could be a dead end. I think that's one of the reasons I will keep seeing this lady for the time being. Whether or not I will still see the other one in the middle of the month or not is unknown yet - I guess I just see how it goes and see how I feel at the time.

Secretly hoping I will hear from you in the next two weeks, but definitely not expecting it.

Me.

Ps, if you are Old T and T is T then maybe new T (whoever they may be) will have to be New T!

I wish I had taken that Monday appointment you offered. I'm in such a bad place right now. When I talked to the crisis line yesterday,, well, it sucked. They just asked me my plans for the weekend and I just said "food shopping" and that was about it. She talked about how she likes grocery shopping. Never asked me if I felt safe or needed extra help or anything. Nope. So please don't have them call me again every experience I have with them is just unhelpful (the other time they just sent the police to my house when I wasn't even in immediate danger).
I just....wish I felt like I could be helped...

Dear T,

Writing my book. Reading through our old emails. Teenage One has been around for an awfully long time hasn't she, but she has been unable to do anything more than simply hover on the sidelines. In a way that makes me feel like we have achieved nothing of any significance in the last three years, but I also know how much life threw at me in that time. I also know how much I changed/grew/developed in that time. But still this massive 'THING' goes unresolved. It feels like very very little progress has been made here at all, and I don't really know what to make of that.

That said, I feel ready now, where I don't think I felt at all ready back then. I wanted to be, but the stars weren't aligned. Maybe they still aren't, with you gone and no stable therapeutic relationship within which to explore this 'THING'. But I feel ready.

I so dearly wished I was able to talk about these things with you. I so dearly wish you were here.

I love you and I miss you.

Me

Dear T,
Where was your magic answer for me to avoid being really anxious about my D returning to school? Right, there isn't one... It does help that you think I'm doing what we need to do for her. And that you seem worried, too, even though your son is vaccinated. I think it just helps that you're in all this with me--that you get it. That you're not downplaying my fears. In part because you're afraid, too.

I just wish you weren't going away for a week Wednesday... At least I'll see you again on Tuesday, and then the following Tuesday. That it won't be 10-12 days like some other trips. It's just difficult timing for me. And I imagine you'll say it will be fine to reach out, as usual. But I'll do my best not to. Hm, maybe it's better if I don't say that to myself. If I just tell myself: "If you reach out, it's OK." I imagine that's what you'd say, too. Then I'm not putting additional pressure on myself.

Love you,
LT

Hey L. I tried last night to write that "therapy letter" that you suggested but I couldn't even get it started!! Even knowing I won't send it (I don't have a clue of her address so I couldn't even if I wanted to) I still am like damn. I don't know what to say. This apology is 36 years too late, I guess that's why. "I'm sorry I hurt you" is so pathetically inadequate. I was going to do the Active first, but I hadn't been able to do that either, so tried the letter, but I can't do either. I will try again this evening. Maybe have a glass of wine first see if that helps. I'm really glad that my recent dream uncovered this, I'm sure the shame I feel over how I treated her way back then has been contributing to at least one of my gazillion complexes. I'm determined to get this done before I see you on Friday.

I tried to find some groups in my area - I know most groups are doing virtual thing so the geography shouldn't matter except that whenever in person life begins again I'd like to be able to go .. if I find a group that I feel comfortable around. Plus the chance if it's local people and I connect, maybe a friendship could occur.

Everyone I found so far seem to either not be for me or seem to be on days that we will be meeting once you get back. Or only meet monthly. This sucks.

I cycle frequently between feeling like I need to see/hear from you immediately, and feeling like it doesn't matter and you can f off. I wish there were a middle ground.

Dear T,
This is really minor, but I feel awkward that I texted you right after session to ask about scheduling for next week, then never heard back, and it was 6 hours ago. I texted again just now in case you were confused and thought I meant 2 days from now. But because you're going to be out of town, I don't want you filling up all your slots for next Tuesday with your clients you meet with tomorrow and not leave space for me. If you weren't going to be out of town, I'd have just waited until Tuesday (but then, if you weren't going to be out of town for most of this week, I wouldn't have been meeting with you today anyway, so...)

Love,
LT

I don't think I'll be showing up to Tuesday's appointment. "Hospital or dead" as my old pdoc used to say.

Here I go, L. Back into the dream where I was trying to explain myself to V but hadn't yet gotten around to apologizing in the actual dream and I think apologizing to her is where i need to go with this... using her middle initial because her first name starts with T and calling her T would just be too damn confusing. Wish me luck?

eta: well, I got a little bit written and then changed to just writing the therapy letter that I will now go outside and burn. You told me not to read it. But I did. I wanted to make sure I said everything that I needed to say, so as the letter burns I can at last release the shame with the smoke and embers.


btw, I know now that I was right the other day when I said I thought that my shame is not because of her being a woman, but is because of how I hurt her. I pushed that shame so far down into my Shadow (you know how strongly I don't want to feel that I'm "bad"!) that it took this long for a dream to finally coax it out into the light so I could talk about it with you and write this letter.

Thank you SO much for sticking with me all these years. I'm sorry I'm the epitome of a "slow cooker". Your patience knows no bounds and I appreciate you SO much.

Dear T,

Glad you finally replied, but then... your reply was also confusing? And sounded like you only left one slot open for me, so glad I'm flexible. I'm glad you acknowledged the confusion of your response. I think you're just distracted by your upcoming trip or...something. Because this isn't like you. You tend to be very good and clear about scheduling.
Love,
LT

I drafted this to you, I probably won't send it, not yet anyway. I will continue to be as patient as I can be....

Dear T,

I am thinking of you so much. Hoping that you are doing ok. Hoping that you are finding time in amongst everything to rest and recuperate. Wondering what is going on for you. Wishing I could know. Wishing I could make things better for you.

Also wishing I could make things better for me, too.

I'm lost. Lost and hurting and trying to find my way as best I can. Trying to understand what has happened here. Trying to make sense of something that is simply incomprehensible. Maybe we are both in a similar place.

I miss you so much, T. Both as a therapist and as a human being.

I am trying my best to keep going, one small foot in front of another. Eating, sleeping, working, exercising. Trying to make you proud of me by continuing on with all the things that I know are good for me. Reaching out where I can to friends and to R. Journaling instead of emailing you. Trying to find someone else to continue this journey with, largely unsuccessfully I hasten to add.

Writing this I realise that there isn't much play going on. There isn't much of the 'doing nice things just for me' that you hoped for. It will come, in time, I am sure, but the hurt and confusion are still too strong right now.

I love you and I miss you,

Me

T, it hurts so much when you let me down. Even if you have good reason. There's always a reason. But the disappointment is still heart breaking.

I feel awful now because I didn't trust you. Why can't I trust you? Why do I assume you won't keep your word when you always do or at least try to. You deserve so much better from me.

today will be the first day of the longest number of days of no contact in what feels like forever. I know when I first started seeing you, it was 1x week and no between session contact but a journal that I wrote to you every day and shared with you, then it was 2 x week, the journal, and contact when stressed/distressed, then it was 3 x a week and the journal fell to the side - email was more frequent, until it was daily on days I didn't see you. We moved to 4x a week M-Th and emails F-Sun. Now ... now changes in your life circumstances - 2 weeks no contact and when you return sessions M,T,F. You say I can reach out and we could maybe do a phone call over these 2 weeks and you say email is still allowed, but replies on W, Th won't be until evening.

I get that life happens. It's hard to hold onto that part that gets it. I feel betrayed - even though you never promised you would always be there. You always acknowledged that we don't know what the future holds.

And yeah, I was looking for you to say - yes you thought it would be helpful to schedule a phone call -- yes you thought it would be helpful in us keeping a connection. But you didn't. I don't recall exactly what you said. You left it for me to request, for me to reach out. So, when I am distressed I will. I just wish I'd stop looking at the email notifications in the hopes that it is from you.