Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Ps, I am off for my first session with a therapy gardening group today T. Wish me luck!

I am not getting along with my mother in law at all. She has a huge victim complex and we both know how annoying that is. She also told me she quit smoking but she stinks of cigarettes, so I told her she can't hold the baby. She sits less than a metre from me when I'm breast feeding, staring at me and won't. shut. up. Eugh. Why did she come here for 2 weeks.

6 days of waiting feels more like 6 weeks. I hope something comes out of it! Glad we’re having another double session though, I know we didn’t do too much therapy stuff after our last meeting with D but I guess I needed to decompress.

I for some reason missed transference T a bit this morning. I don’t remember what the thought was or what triggered it. So I had a mug of blue fruit tea and a mint Aero bar. So now I’m ok.

Current T after you talked to my mom yesterday you told her you’d respond to my email. You told her that at 2:30 and I never got an email.

Also you told me when I have too much sugar and caffeine to eat bread. I figured out on my own awhile ago that carbs help my anxiety. But I just had 2 slices of white bread and my anxiety is actually lower.

Sorry about the caffeine but I needed cranberry juice and my mom got me cranberry energy juice drinks. Plus I’ve been up for awhile. But I just took the one Benadryl I didn’t take any melatonin or extra Geodon or Valium’s yesterday. So I think the Benadryl will work out if I take it later then I did yesterday.

Dear T,
Well, now I feel really bad about contacting you to make sure you were OK Wednesday. I wish I hadn't reached out to you then--the calming of my anxiety wasn't worth what I'm feeling now. I know you said you aren't annoyed. But I could have used some more reassurance... At least you gave me a "take care, LT" at the end? I will do my best to not email you over the weekend...
Love,
LT

So, I have now got a session booked in with this new lady, T. I must admit I am quite excited. I am just waiting for an email from her replying to my email from earlier in the week, I hope it is as positive as I feel about this move. I kind of feel bad for temp T, but I have made it quite clear that I intend on going to see this lady and that if it works out I will be leaving her. It's not like we did any deep work or that she even knows me in the slightest. All we did was talk about Ex T, but she said she would be sad to not get to work with me, or something like that. Anyway, I am hoping she will be up for being an emergency T, for if anything goes wrong again. Would certainly be good to have somewhere to go if I needed it in the future.

Can you please recognize this as an eating disorder? And help me other than telling me to eat yogurt?

I emailed you. I asked if you knew of any other therapist who’d be a good fit for me. I said I didn’t think things were working out. You cancelled all my appointments and basically said “good luck on your own” that’s not exactly what I wanted to happen. I wanted to continue to work with you until I found someone new but that I needed to find someone soon and possibly not wait until the one I’m on a waiting list has room.

I really enjoyed laughing with you when I was reading that last dream to you - that felt so good. I had no doubt at all that you would agree (for once) that this dream does not require any working-with. It was just fun, and that last bit clearly a result of the workshop last weekend like you said. I almost can't believe I made the comment I made after - then again, the block I used to have is totally gone now and I have absolutely no filter anymore when we're talking. Zero, nada, zilch.


Thanks for understanding what I meant about the difference between knowing and feeling regarding that one question. And thanks letting me take the lead on scheduling. I am starting to feel much more in charge of my work. Thanks for that.

Also! I really, really appreciated you sharing with me those things I have already done therapy-wise. It was so helpful for me to hear that! It helped me put together the 'map' that I said I wished I could see. Thank you for that. I honestly did not know that we had been working on those things! Holy crap!

L, Where are you? You told me your schedule on Fridays is until 4:30pm. I called you at 3pm. I've waited almost 6 hours for you. I know you're not a 24/7 therapist. I know you have a life. But I called during you supposed work hours. And sometimes you email me late Friday nights. Why won't you contact me tonight? I really need you. I'm not safe, and H won't let me go to the hospital. He says I have to talk to you, but you aren't there! Am I too much for you? I know we did a double session today. Did I wear you out? Are you mad at me? L, I need you! Please be there. I'm scared...of myself tonight. And of life. I'm sorry we're having financial problems. I'm sorry if I've become a burden. I don't mean to be. You're all I got.

Dear T,
I've made it 24 hours without emailing you, but it's been a struggle. I wish I didn't get so hung up on things like this. I wanted you to maybe joke about it, to reassure me it was OK. Like, "As you can see, I survived my commute to and from the office the last two days" with a grin. But you just seemed...I don't know. I'm not sure how to explain it. But I think the way you seemed--body language, what you chose to talk about, your reaction to my explanation, etc.--I feel that's it's all combined to lead me to have this reaction. Plus other stuff going on lately not related to you. I just wish I could calm down. Part of me wants to reach out because often the mere act of reaching out calms me down. But I'm worried about annoying you. And that you'll say something really distanced and clinical in return, and then I'll feel bad. When what would really help right now is something more warm or light, like with a smiley emoji at the end to make it clear you're OK with it.
Love,
LT

Yep. You officially fired me today. All because I said you were being unprofessional (which was very true) and that you weren’t helping. And there is nothing I can do about it since you have done everything possible to save your *** from me filing a complaint.

So I saw this afghan pattern that inspired me and I would love to make it for you to celebrate all the good work we've done over the past almost-10 years. I don't know if you'd accept something that 'big' though. It wouldn't cost me anything money-wise, because my friend gave me that big tub of yarn awhile back that she had inherited from her grandma and didn't want anymore. It would take some time and skill, but... crocheting is also very calming for me and I love doing it. I think I'll start it and do like the first 10 rounds and see how that would look as a pillow - that would be a 'smaller' thing that you'd more likely be okay with.

L, thank you for your email last night even though you weren't able to call. It helped. Knowing that you were there, you weren't going to leave me, that you loved me, and the future S and future L will be a team and deal with it then. I stayed safe last night. That was really hard. Thank you for your phone call this morning too. It helps so much hearing your voice. I love you, L.

My schiz/bp symptoms are in check (for now) but I've got a lot of stress to unload (best friend (the one who kept me from cutting) is dying if not already dead, other friend in hospital but will recover, other friend continues to ignore me...I'm lonely basically and I have foot problem that needs a neurologist to dx, my eating disorder is getting worse again, I'm having difficulty applying for medicaid and that means I'm worrying a lot about getting my meds, (sorry guys I'm making a list of things I want to bring up)). Prep yourself for thursday

But what exactly is your specialty? Like, what can you help people with?

i got covid from my boss. im vaxxed , but i was sick for two weeks. im still having some symptoms but my test came back negative yesterday. hope we can talk this week. its been a scary 2 weeks and i miss u and have lots to say

I don’t really feel much about not having a therapist right now. I went from December 2018 until April 2019 without one while being on a waiting list. And it turned out to be worth it. So I’m trying to be optimistic and I know that waiting for this one that was recommended to me is the best thing.

I do think my ex t was being shady though. I’m thinking of just deleting those emails and her email from my contacts.

I am just really confused how telling someone they are being unprofessional equals to instant termination. That’s why I think she had other reasons that she would never admit for quitting on me.

Hey T. I am a little disappointed that we couldn't meet this week, and I know you will apologize and I will say nothing, because I am a coward.

Hey T,

Thank you for that picture you sent with your thanks for my email, I know I haven't replied and that is just because I don't really know what to say.
I'm not sure what I think about this new T either. The modality she works with sounds just right for me, and she had the most gentle of voice when she left a voicemail on my phone, but I clearly do have an issue with the fact that she said she would not reply to emails.
I am trying to think what you would say, and I think you would say that I should just go, and see what happens. I know, I may not feel like I need that additional contact with her after all. I guess there is a part of me wanting to recreate what we had, because it was so special, so magical and so healing for me. Who wouldn't want to feel loved, cared for, special, comforted, nurtured, taught, safe etc. Who wouldn't want to feel those things, especially when it was so recent and the memories so fresh.
But I also know that I needed that back then. I needed that so badly, and you were there for me. I am in a different place now, and maybe, maybe I need something else right now. I think you would say that to me. I'm nervous, T, worried, sceptical, fearful, but also a little curious, excited and hopeful at the same time.

She asked me if I would feel able to give her consent to talk to you, to try and find some clarity for me on what happened here, why it was so abrupt, but the thing is I don't think that would be a good thing to do. I don't know. It just feels like there is so much ground to cover with her here. It took us years to get to a place where I actually felt like you knew me, understood me. I am concerned about starting all over again with this. I know I don't necessarily need to tell her everything, but I also do think I need to, want to.

I guess there is always Temp T if things here don't work out.

Gosh, I'm really nervous I think.

I reeeeeaaally want to send you a photo of our new kitten!!!! I wonder what you’d say if I did? Would it be ok????

Ex T I am still taking the advice you have given me that I’ve found useful. I don’t even know anymore what I’m feeling regarding you. I’m not angry or hurt. I feel like this is more of an annoyance combined with some relief. I’m still my bubbly self with my mom. So I’m obviously not distraught over you. I think I’m just so caught up in other things that are going on that I can’t even focus on you.

I feel like I need to talk, but don’t want to bug you on a Sunday. It can wait.

Dear T,
So I was struggling with stuff from Friday and really wanted to email you about it, but managed not to. I told myself "OK, just get through to session 10:30 tomorrow." So then when you texted tonight to ask about changing the session time, part of me wanted to just be like, "No, you gave me 10:30, I want that." But instead, because you preferred I switch to 12:30, I acquiesced. I know 2 hours is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like a lot right now. And I'm giving you that because it's easier for you, probably about another client wanting that time. Because I don't have any real reason (like work, other obligations) to NEED 10:30. But it still bothers me a bit.

You'd better be good and understanding and empathic and caring and stuff tomorrow....In part because I didn't bother you over the weekend (despite really wanting to email) and agreeing to switching the time.

Love,
LT

Hey T. Thanks for telling me I am not a bother. It still sucks I couldn't see you this week, though.