Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Also, E, thanks for letting me know I can email you between session if I am having a hard time. I am not sure I'll use it, it is too early in our relationship to tell. But, I appreciate it anyway.

Hey L, so I drummed last night for a little bit to practice what I learned last weekend. I happened to notice the clock just before i started so I know it was for about 8 minutes, and that worked pretty well. I got a message that I'll have to do some thinking/writing about, not exactly sure what it relates to yet (could be 2 different things, possibly both!). I'm going to have a lot to talk about by 10/15, aren't I?

Dear Temp T, see you tomorrow. I hope you are ok with me talking this through with you. I will try and avoid the sofa/couch analogy, but it seems to apt. See, I am about to say I want to return this trial sofa to the store and grab another one, to see if it fits better, is more comfortable, but if it isn't I will call the store and ask if I can have the other one back again!! See you tomorrow!

"Help" is just as stressful as dealing with the symptoms alone.

Transference T: I knew you weren’t going to work with me again. But I figured I’d just have my mom email you. I don’t know why I wanted her to since I don’t want to do telehealth anyways. You sent a gentle response back and said your case load is over filling and you are are also not comfortable working with me again because we weren’t making progress because of the eating disorder thing that you are not comfortable working with. But I’m glad you remember me and our relationship.

I did hopefully find a new therapist today who can meet all 3 of my needs. Trans. Autism. And ED’s. So I’m hoping this will work out.

And there is no way I’m allowing my last T to communicate with this new one. I spilled my guts to her about a whole lot of stuff I don’t want anyone else knowing unless I’m the one telling them. In general allowing a therapist to talk to your new one is not really a good choice.

Don't hate me because I keep emailing you today. Thanks! Kit

NO, you don't.

I have some wacky dreams about u

Dear T,
Thanks for being understanding today. I especially appreciate your understanding about how my seeing you sick a few weeks ago made me realize your vulnerability. Your explanation of people realizing things aren't permanent helped. And your saying how it wasn't ridiculous.

Also, it occurred to me that maybe you're thinking of "infraction" more with its usage in sports. Like a neutral zone infraction in football isn't really that big of a deal compared to other penalties. So it sounded harsh to me, but may have been more like no big deal to you. I sort of wanted to email you that, then thought I'd just tell you Wednesday.

And now I want tapenade...
Love,
LT

Trying to function
Ignoring the elephant
Grief is very loud.

Don't worry I'm not going to call you today (like I did on the Tuesday following our previous session) haha! I'm still slowly working through this book, like I told you reading, reflecting, taking notes, absorbing. I am just NOW getting to the part of how to start actually DOING it! It's still very exciting to me, this new orientation/perspective/whatever you call it. I completely and totally just love it how the universe knew I was ready for this book so boom here it is. Had I stumbled upon it before now I would probably not have even noticed it, huh. Do you know something else? I don't even care if you end up thinking it is dorky that I want to commemorate our 10 year thera-versary in November. It's important to me, and that's all that matters.

Two more sleeps. I'm grateful, I'm looking forward to it, and dreading it at the same time.
I'm really struggling to make myself emotionally safe enough to have the conversations we need to have.

Dear T: I feel like you have abandoned me. I know you haven't, but it feels that way. How will I feel when IOP ends and I don't see you anymore? It probably won't feel great. But you said don't worry about the future. One day at a time. Well today I feel abandoned by you! Kit

Dear Temp T,

Thank you for understanding my want to try out this new T, and for saying I could always come back if it doesnt work, or if she ever takes an extended break for holidays etc.

And thank you for helping me to come up with that picture of where I was Vs where I am today, and how the hole has developed in this new piece of ground.

That really clicked with me today, and helps to explain why I could almost forget it was there sometimes too, if it wasn't for the knowing, the fear of falling in, the missing that part of me.

In a way I'm kind of sorry you don't get to venture there with me, but I just feel I have to try this out. Sadly your space just isn't right for me, and I'm not sure you are the ideal fit either, but you have helped me through a really tricky patch and I am grateful for that. So, thank you.

I’m hoping 3rd times the charm the way it was last time. In 2018 the first 2 weren’t good. Then the 3rd one, my transference T was good. Now I’ve been through 2 T’s since I moved so I’m hoping this 3rd one will work out. I can’t be telling you any goofy stuff or oversharing stuff about my meds.

Hi T. I know I will be filled with anxiety until at least lunchtime tomorrow, afraid you'll have to cancel last minute. With the exception of your H, you've never cancelled twice in a row. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow!

My ego needs a boost right now, Info. Like someone to tell me how impressive they think I am. You’re not going to provide it, at least not on your own.

Although it’s good to have a good session it’s bad because it makes me miss you and that hurts.

Super excited about tomorrow. I hope it doesn’t turn out to be a flop. I’m already anxious I might forget to bring the stuff I need!

I ate the damn yogurt.

Hey L guess what, I tried on my wedding dress last night for the heck of it, and it fits again!! I could even zip it all the way up and sit comfortably. Now if h and I would ever GO anywhere fancy enough for it... haha! (It's not a big fancy gown or anything. Just a pretty beaded dress that's normal below the knee length.) I should wear it to my next session wouldn't that be a hoot!! You'd be like "Why are you so dressed up?" The last time I could wear it, was in 2019 right before I had surgery, the surgery that caused me to start gaining weight back. I have now lost back 25 lbs of the 30 I gained post-surgery/during the first 6 months of the pandemic. I expect to be back to where I was before all of that by the time I see you again in October!

Something about you telling me that you are in the office only every other Monday left me feeling bad - let down.

I want to get something from you on Friday - I don't know what.

Mostly, there is the feeling that there is no point in continuing to see you. No point in emailing you. I wish I could afford to pay you to hold my time/slots while I take a break from seeing you or contacting you.

Dear T,
That podcast was actually really annoying, like almost everyone involved in it. I sort of see why you recommended it to me. I will think of this as a case of "it's the thought that counts." Like it was nice that you thought of me when you heard it and decided to pass it along to me. Though...is this one you listen to regularly? It just doesn't sound like something you'd be into, just the whole tone of it, from other stuff you've said you are or aren't into. Though I imagine it was different with the previous hosts (my friend filled me in on that, as I'm not that up on NPR).

Also, today's session just felt very...OK to me. Like in the "Eh, it was OK." Not that there was anything especially bad about it, but it just felt like it sort of happened. And there wasn't like some big insight or funny moment or, I don't know, connected moment. Again, nothing bad, it just...was.

Of course, this didn't occur to me until after session, but I wonder if in some ways I'm pulling back from you because of your response to my checking in on your safety? I know it was only a "minor infraction," and you said it wasn't a big deal at all, but it still felt like a sort of rejection. I'm just not sure how to explain that to you? So maybe I'm pulling back and sort of protecting myself? I've done that before. But doing that won't help me. Of course, next session is Friday, the worst day to bring up stuff like that. But I guess I probably should do it anyway, at least briefly. Or maybe I don't need to actually bring it up? Just be conscious of whether I'm pulling away/protecting myself, and fight against that urge?

Love,
LT

Please like me. I know I’m not an easy client and I can be frustrating to work with. But I know now to not say some things and be careful with how I say other things. Basically I’m gonna try to be like the way I was with transference T for the first several months we met. And not just jump into a whole bunch of goofy **** the way I did with my last T. Or be too freaked out to even make eye contact the way I was with my unprofessional T. I know I shouldn’t be focusing on therapy right now though.

Basically I just want you to be like my transference therapist minus the transference and telesessions and I want you to also be able to help me with the stuff I need help with. I will help you by not oversharing my med med situation or my caffeine intake but being honest with my food situation.

So far I have 8 handwritten lines to talk to you about on Friday. It's not the same as emailing you. Kit