Bah....My stupid mind has created more drama in my life - and in therapy. This time its scrached out the reason I'm in therapy and made my T the target of my depression.

For about 4-5 weeks I've been constantly inventing problems/ways for T to leave me. I first wonna mention I had 2 T's leave me for a new job and 1 because she didnt like me that is why I think these thoughts have started.

My current T of 6months is faboulous, yet I think she's going to go. It started off "Oh i'm not important enough , therefor T will leave me" , "T is gonna get sick of my e-mails, phone class and ditch me/fire me" , "T is gonna stop her practice because of me" " T is gonna stop her practice because she's "overwhelmed" from my letters".......

So me and T have been dicussing this for 3-4 weeks ( since they started ) she smiles and says "so where am I going..maybe you know " ....I tell her ....and she assures me - it was going fine - she kept reassuring me saying "I won't go anywhere" and giving me reasons......

But wednesday.....she was assuring me and brought up a old topic ......"I MIGHT leave and go to texas in the future if she has kids ...but don't worry she has no plans of that".....while T was TRYING to make me feel better she made me feel worse......F***.....first time T has ever made me sad.....what do I do? What if her daughter gets pregnant on accident....OMG......WHAT DO I DO? I've been having nightmares of T leaving....T is my ONLY.....Person other then my parents who gives 2 shits about my health....she cares for me I CAN'T live without her.....I've been crying for days about this now I'm numb.....bah plz help.....plz T don't go!!!!

[Perna]

Dustin, try to stay in the present and use key words to comfort yourself. She might go to Texas. Right now, she isn't. Work hard now. She won't be with you the rest of your life :-) In a few years you'll be working at a job, married, and have kids of your own and won't even have time for a T. But now, stay with the present and that she isn't leaving right this week. Work on thinking about her when you are with her and otherwise work on school work, chores, finding/working jobs, etc., Life. Practice with your focus and attention bringing it back to where you want it that is "real" and not scary rather than what could happen sometime in some possible future in a galaxy far far away, LOL.

[Mouse_]

Dustin, yeah those thoughts are scary.

[drummergrl]

I agree with Perna that you need to find something else in your life that you can concentrate on. I have said this before
Dustin.........STOP!, she will absolutely NOT be in your life for the long haul......she has her own life to live and won't always be there to RESCUE you. You need to RESCUE yourself from the harmful affects of your paranoia, young man. GET YOUR BUTT IN GEER AND STOP WHINING...show her that you're growing Dustin and that she is getting through to you........it will make her job easier
alot more progressive. You need to circumvent your anxiety
into your SCHOOL, COLLEGE EDUCATION, and a CAREER as you will be there before you know it!!! It goes by quicker than you think, Dustin. FOR YOUR OWN SAKE,
PLEASE HELP YOURSELF...........YOU CAN DO IT.

I feel worse now - look you dont understand I dont want to ever stop therapy - my thearpist agrees with that i think....nvm I'll stop...i wont post anymore about this %#@&#!...

[Perna]

Dustin, you have to keep posting, that's what we're here for, you have to keep working on it, keep trying to get the problem to work out, a little like a math problem.

I was in therapy 18 years with the same therapist, 9 years at a time with 9 years inbetween (so "knew" her 27 years). It is possible you will be in therapy most your life like I have been but it's also possible it will be with various therapists and/or breaks in time, etc.

There's a quote that helped me; "Your therapy should be the biggest thing in your life, but it is not the biggest thing in your therapist's life." Presumably your therapist's own therapy or life is the biggest thing in their life.

Can you concentrate on the therapy at all instead of the actual therapist? Surely you have several things that bother you in your life other than just this one problem? I use to, when I'd get stuck, drop whatever problem I had been working on and just pick up another one. Often working on a different problem for awhile would help me with the problem I couldn't make any headway with previously.

Don't I remember reading you were trying to look for a first job and finding it very scary? Have you done anymore on that? I graduated from college June 3, 1972 and it took until around October or November before I could get up the courage to go out and get a job! I didn't have many skills and even though I had a college education, I was too afraid of the whole ask-for-a-job thing. So, I finally was able to go to Sears Roebuck since they have forms to fill out and needed people in a kind of anonymous sense. It was easier asking a big "company" for a job than an individual in a smaller outfit. I got hired and all, that was okay, but I was placed in the finance department of the store and one of my jobs became to call customers who had applied for a Sears credit card and been turned down and tell them why they had been turned down!!!!! No way I could do that! So, I didn't make much headway on that pile of work and was miserable but they figured it out and transferred me to Customer Service (talk about out of frying pan and into fire!) but there I just had to call people to tell them their big ticket items they'd bought were out of stock and couldn't be delivered right away. I also got to call others and tell them they'd been restocked and set up delivery dates, much easier as you were making the customer happy :-) I've never thought about it before but I've "always" been afraid of phones and maybe it was made worse by that job. No wonder I'm scared, a bit of trauma there with people getting mad their stuff isn't in stock. :-)

But how are you doing in the rest of your life, Dustin? Yes, you're afraid your T is going to go away and maybe you can't stop thinking about that but there also isn't a whole lot you can do about it so you might as well get fatalistic about it and just keep working until? Did you graduate last May? I forget. What subjects were/are your favorite?

Perna,

I'm sorry I feel very numb right now - T is more important then you know - I'm 17 NO real life friends who are worth anything - i may not be able to control her leaving but i sure can make my life miserable because of it ...if you've been therapy that long you'll understand that regardless of how our therapists feel we feel close-- anyway i'm going to be better therapist someday....i suck at school end of story...i graduate this may actually...turn 18 in march as well...yippy right? nope more depression...but i hate highschool......blah wahts the point....

sry im numb to depressed to be myself

[sunrise]

Moonkin, sounds like you need lots of reassurance from your T and you are getting some. Even if her daughter gets pregnant, it takes 9 months to grow a baby and a bit of time to uproot oneself and move to another state, so I don't think your T would move to Texas without quite a bit of warning, and it will probably never happen as the daughter is not planning to have kids. It could be that even if this happens, you would not even be around to know of it. You are coming up on a transition in your own life--finishing high school--and may find yourself moving away to go to college, taking a new job, etc., so you may leave your T before she leaves you.

Anyway, for now, it is a very distant possibility that your T will move to Texas soon. Can you put it in the background?

Perhaps at the beginning of each session with your T, you can seek the reassurance that you need that she is not going anywhere. You can hear what you need to hear and then move on with the session and what you are there to work on. Perhaps take 5 minutes with the reassurance and devote the bulk of the session to what you want to work on. Can you talk with her about this?

It sounds like one thing you are wanting to work on is to have more in your life besides just your T. Building up outside friendships and relationships. This is so important. Maybe broach this with your T. What are her ideas? When I began therapy with my first T, one of the first things she had me work on was building up my outside network of friends and family for support. She said to me, "I can't do it all." This was such good advice. If you are very shy and have trouble making friends, this is something you can work on in therapy! Or whatever your situation is... Great thing to explore with T.

[SweetCrusader]

I can relate to what you're saying, and I don't think it's as simple as just "stopping it" or "getting over it." I have partly come to terms with it, partly not. I think as I heal, I'll be more and more able to cope with the idea of T not being in my life forever, tho I think I will *always* wish she could be. And why not? I love her.

But I have an amazing T, and she's helping me find peace in this. Some of the things that my T has said about this have really helped me, so I'm going to share her perspectives in hopes it will ring true for your relationship with T as well.

When I wanted her to promise she would stay in my life, she said that she couldn't promise that and, although she knew it would be music to my ears, she would never make a promise to me that she didn't know for sure she could keep. She said she had no plans of going anywhere, but in essence, life happens. She felt that it would do me more harm if she did promise to be around forever, then didn't keep that promise for whatever reason. I agree with that.

Another time when I was really struggling to get through the weeks between sessions (I traveled several hours to see her, and so only saw her every 3 weeks)... she told me that even when I can't see or talk to her, she is always with me, because when you love people they become a part of you. She said that, in all the time we'd spent together and all the things we'd taught each other, she had already irreversibly woven herself right into my heart. It's true! She is a very big, very much alive part of me and she always will be, no matter what. T encouraged me to keep her "with me" in my heart all the time. Then, she sent me the lyrics to the Michael Jackson song "You Are Not Alone." It really comforted me.

Another day has gone, and I'm still all alone
How could this be you're not here with me?
You never said goodbye. Someone tell me why
Did you have to go and leave my world so cold?

Everyday I sit and ask myself how did love slip away?
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
You are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
You are not alone

Just the other night I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come and hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers. Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand, then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Then something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
And you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
You are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart


T told me that it makes her sad when someone is so worried that she might go away some day, they can't even accept the love that she's offering right now, today. It would be a shame to miss out on a healing, loving, bonding experience with someone you feel really connected to and care about... because you're afraid they'll leave.

It's sad, but true, that nothing lasts forever. You can't promise T you'll be around forever either. Nobody can guarantee they'll be there for you tommorrow, because the future is uncertain. But the important thing to remember, and to hold on to if you can, is that your T is offering you some caring and tenderness right now, in the present. You can live in that present, and surround yourself with what she gives... or you can choose to live out your worst fears today and everyday, unnecessarily, by constantly obsessing about her leaving. If you take that route, she might as well already be gone, because you're missing out on her anyway.

Best of luck to you on your journey.

Hmm, Dustin that sounds really tough.
Yet, these thoughts ARE irrational because she KEEPS telling you that she wont leave and IF she does go to Texas, it wont be for a very long time. I know you want her there forever, but just because she leaves (which I doubt she will, definitely not for a LONG time) it does not mean that you cannot still speak to her by phone or email.
Secondly, yes i can see that you would be very close, BUT you are only 17 (i know it is annoying when people say you are young, but i am younger than you) and so friends WILL change. you will be graduating soon and may find yourself getting closer to other people who mean more to you.
Lastly, she keeps reassuring you, so don't let an irrational fear ruin your appointments.

Just try and keep calm, okay? Take care my dear xxxx erica

[SweetCrusader]

PS...

At your age, I really hated being reminded of how young I was... but really, there is some wisdom and some ability to cope with life and change that comes with age. That's what I'm learning. When I left home, I had a group of very close friends who were my whole entire world to me then. (And I'd never had a T at that point). I thought my heart would crack in half if I lost touch with them. And I did miss them, and wish they were around. I have had, and continue to have many lonely times... but as I've had more and more losses and deaths and separations in my life, I've learned that my life does go on. My life will have highs and lows, and richness, and love, and attachment, and loss... forever. I've lost a lot of friends, though I carry their memories in my heart and they're always a part of me.

I've noticed as I've talked with people older than me (I'm still very young, too- only 25)... that they have even more peace and perspective with this. It WILL come in time.

Maybe some of us forget how different, and how much bigger, loss seemed to us when we were younger. I know some of the responses here haven't been very understanding and sympathetic. But I think your feelings about T are a normal part of the process, and reflect your healthy ability to attach. It will serve you well through your life, especially as you learn to balance it with letting go. It's important to have both in your life.

Your feelings are ok. It's ok to be where you're at right now. I hope T can support you through this.

Sorry to ramble on...