Healing the mother wound

Is it even possible? I’ve been emotionally neglected by my mother. I didn’t really know but I’ve always had a feeling that something is missing inside me. Like a void. I’ve had an eating disorder, struggled with self-injury, been in bad relationships. My anxiety is never leaving me. It wasn’t until I was in therapy for perhaps the seventh time that I realised it.

I want my T to be my mum. I hate to admit it but that’s the truth. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to heal from this. My T won’t be my mum, not ever. My mum won’t change and I’m not going to try and change her. I have to live with this but I don’t know how. I’m not sure if my T knows either. It hurts so much that I can’t get what I want, I can’t change what’s happened. I’m stuck. I hate it. I hate the feelings of longing. I hate that my T won’t give me what I want (but I know that she can’t). I want to remove this from me, not accept it. How can I accept that I’m broken? I hate it. I hate that she did this to me, but the adult me knows that she probably couldn’t do better.

I just don’t know what to do. When I read about it, it’s like ”feel your pain”. Well, I don’t want to! And even when I do, it doesn’t help. For how long should I feel the pain?? I’m so angry at everything! I don’t want to be my own inner mother, I want a real mother!! But that’s impossible. So I have to live with the ache and void inside me?! And my own kids, I try so hard not to pass this on to them but I’m not sure if I’m succeeding. My biggest fear is that they will end up like me.

You are not your mother and the horrible way she treated you. I know this is true because you are on this forum, searching how to heal your mother wound and you sound like you are very passionate about it. I'm sure your real mother never thought about healing her mother wound, or whatever wounds she had.

I think being or feeling stuck is a natural part of the process, although a very frustrating part that can drag on the more we fight it. Honestly it sounds like you are already feeling your pain, the hurt and anger at how you were treated and how unfair it all is.

The ache, void and pain from this childhood trauma doesn't go away, for me anyway. I think the aim is to just grow and get 'bigger' than our grief of what we experienced. It sounds like you are on that path already, working with a therapist that you trust and going through the fire. I know it hurts, I'm there too. Let's keep going.

Firstly, I am so sorry you are going through this, I know too well the pain that it causes inside, but also the other feelings too. For me, it was this huge gaping hole in my heart that felt like it could never be filled. It was looking at complete strangers in the street wondering if they would make a good mother to me; avoiding women as best I could because of the hurt that it would bring up; subconsciously trying to manipulate the few women that were in my life into being a mother to me (read slowly destroying those relationships); never really escaping from this incredible yearning that was inside of me.

But I have healed from that. Believe it or not. My therapist (not that I think she was overly keen on the title!) became the 'good enough mother' to my inner child and over time showed me how to be that for myself. Through this reparative work I also built up a patchwork of life, or people, places, events, hobbies, experiences, that went some way to repairing this gaping hole, or maybe, as Lost said, I became bigger than the hole itself. There is still a sadness, for me, but it is no more that the sadness that one might feel at other losses in life. It is no longer this all encompassing grief that follows you wherever you go, that no time will ever heal.

I don't know if that makes any sense at all. I'm happy to explain more about how she essentially became like a mother to me, if you wish me too, but I also know that I had a very special T, and that not everyone will be able/willing to meet you with it. Personally, I kept searching until I found one who would. I knew that this is the type of work that I needed to do, and I wasn't going to see someone unless they could/would go there with me. I suffered a lot of rejection and shaming in the process of finding her, but it was worth it in the end.

I do know that the whole premis of 'be your own mother' is absolutely bloody ludicrous when you don't know what you are doing, when the hate that you feel for those parts of you is so strong. I can only imagine that those people who recommend that, have never really been there.

And about feeling the pain? Yes, I do agree with this, but not as a standalone. As part of this reparative work I felt a LOT of pain. I had to go through the grief still. I had to see what my T was giving me, in its limited form, and I had to hurt for what that meant that I lost out on and what I would never have. How long for? It has taken 5 years to get to the point where I can look back and say that I feel better. That I have the memories of being loved by a mother (my T) and that I know how to show care, compassion and love to my inner child.

I could go on, but I won't, unless you have any questions you would like to ask. I am just so sorry that you are going through this because I do know how intolerable it is. Sending you all my very best wishes.

I don’t have any answers for you but I can tell you that I too am struggling to heal the mother wound. My T tells me that I have to be my own mother, I’m still trying to figure out what that means.

I don't know that anyone can truly heal from the mother wound. I guess anything is possible in this world and some people might.

The way I see it - the mother would is such a primordial part of what defines and 'builds' us and having this loss is like being born without a limb. Sure, we may get a prosthetic but it is and can never be the same.

I think we can function in the world without feeling this agony, at least maybe not all the time but I don't think the wound ever truly heals. The scar will always be there, a constant reminder of that hole deep within.

Thank you. I guess we don’t have a choice except keep going. I can’t even feel the pain regarding my mum, I don’t want anything from her. It’s when I think about my T and how her kids can have what I can’t have that my pain becomes real. It hurts so much in that moment.

I think you’re right, the wound won’t fully heal. I just wish that the intense feeling of longing and loss would get a bit easier to handle...

Thank you! I have always searched for a mother, without realising it. When I was a kid I looked for it in teachers, when I got older it was mostly in therapists or maybe some co-workers or a boss. It’s like I can feel it when I meet someone, if they have the special thing that will make me attached. And I fight against it sometimes but it’s like an instinct, it comes from something so deep inside of me that I can’t control.

When I was a kid I always fantasized about beeing taken care of by a mother. Not my mum but someone I saw on TV or maybe someone in my real life. It was my comfort. At times I escaped there during the days, and I always did it when I was going to sleep. It made me calm and I got something I so desperately needed. Someone who cared about me. Did you so something like this too? I still do it sometimes, like imagine my T and what she would say or do in a situation... it comforts me.

My mum cares about me but she was always angry, I couldn’t say what I wanted and needed. She was completely shut down inside. I tried to reach her but I couldn’t. I knew I had to hide everything from her, all my emotions and fears.

I haven’t even told my T everything, how I feel about her. I’m too ashamed. I’m an adult! Why do I feel and act like a child? Sometimes I feel like a child inside and that child screams for comfort and help. Did your T have her own kids? How did you feel about that? Were you jealous when she took a vacation or something?

Do you think that you will search for a mother figure again or are you like ”done” with that? Do you still need it?

I certainly did do that, always, with all types of people as a kid, until I realised that there was no way in this world that anyone would ever love me, take care of me, look out for me, bother with me, teach me etc. I shut that need away in a box and threw away the key. Got on with being a functioning adult as best I could. Finding my way in the world. I trampled on and ended up hating those child parts who had been so needy.

Until my Mum died and BOOOOOOOOM. Everything exploded. Wow. I thought that need had gone but turned out it hadn't. Turned out it was now back in my face full force. I started to see a counsellor, but it was all surface level stuff, it wasn't addressing the root cause of the issues. Two things. One I can't talk about still and haven't finished (started?!?) working on really, and one was this deep seated need to feel loved by a mother figure. To be held as I learnt how to feel. To be taught about the world as I should have been when I was younger.

I knew it was now or never, if I didn't open up to my counsellor about this I was going to end up back on drugs and destroying my life again. I had to try. Luckily, she was amazing. I didn't think this was possible, I thought I was asking for something that was unthinkable, but apparently she said that this type of therapy, while uncommon, is out there, and she stayed with me until I found the right person to do this work with me.

My (now Ex) T did have children, yes. Five children, some the same age as me. It was important to me that she have experience with children, but actually I didn't know she had them at the time. I chose someone who worked with children, so I knew she would understand that age group.

How did I feel about that? Good question. I tried not to think about it too much. I felt glad that she had them, as it meant that she might relate to me in some way? I felt some jealousy, but not a crazy amount. I just tried to be happy for them that they had her in their lives. I wished I could have been the sixth child, but then I know I got to see parts of my T that were reserved just for therapy, so if I had been her child I wouldn't have had that.

The one thing I tried to do all along, is to keep my adult self in the present throughout the work, even though I did regress a LOT in therapy. I had to really go to that inner child place with her in the room, but outside, I needed my adult self to help me rationalise everything. To help me overcome the limitations of it, the jealousy etc. Sometimes this was difficult, and sometimes the lines blurred a lot, but I just tried to hold on to it as best I could.

It was HARD when she went on holidays, especially at first. We used transition objects, she would write a card and give it to me to open half way through, she always told me where she was going if I asked so that I didn't feel I had lost her, could imagine where she was, if that makes sense. She also once said that she would think of me when she looked at the moon, and that became our thing. That still is our thing. Something I have never had said to me, and something she said she has never said to anyone else.

Right now, things are difficult, because she had to abruptly stop working. And I am hurting and confused about that. I don't know what the future holds, and so am just trying to hold on to all of the amazing work that we have done together. Trying to hold on to the T that I know is in there somewhere.

Deep down, I honestly do think that part of me has been settled. That that part of me is safe and secure now, and I am able to take over that role from my therapist. I don't think I will search for a mother figure again, not in the same way, because I have learnt that every person in my life (there are people in my life now, whereas before there were not) can give me a tiny bit of themselves, that combined with what I give myself, and combined with what my T has given me, will add up to near as damn it a whole.

I don't know if that makes any sense at all???

That doesn't mean I'm not sad I didn't have that growing up, that I'm not sad about not having had that relationship with my Mum, but it's different now.

I have the memories of my therapist and that is what I look back on. She has become my inner guide, maybe in the same way that people who have healthy parental relationships learn from their parents and internalise them, I learnt from my T and internalised her.

It took me being incredibly vulnerable to reach those inner child places with her because like you say, we are adults now, and our inner critics may well be dismissing of it all, but in a way, I was lucky. I had nothing left to lose at that point, or so it seemed. I had just lost my Mum, my marriage was falling apart, I had no friends, no hobbies, no family I would let near me. The only good thing in my life at that point was my job, and I knew I would lose that if I ended up back on the drugs, so it was a leap I had to take, and I was lucky that my therapist was there to catch me.

It's hard work though, not for the faint hearted, but then, I don't think counselling ever is!!

I too struggle with this. I have actually forgiven my mom, but still struggle with the effects of neglect. I've actually split her into two people: the bad mom growing up, and the "friend"(?) in my adulthood. For me, she has the title of mom only because she gave birth to me, but her role is not my mother.

I've also always searched for a mother-figure pretty much my entire life. I can remember at 5 years old being more attached to my kindergarten teacher than my mom. Instead of crying being dropped off, I cried when it was time to go home.

I've been very lucky having several mother-figures in my life. They have helped in the healing process. They've taught me a lot about life and helped me find myself. Even L is a mother-figure for me. Sure she can't be my actual mother (though I have wished she could), but she does provide me with a lot that a mother would give: love, touch as in hugs and handholding, transitional objects, support, my cheerleader, advice when asked for, wisdom, knowledge, talking about self and life, etc.

What is it that you're most yearning for? Any of the things I listed? Something else? Maybe you can find that in your T. No, she can never be your mother, but she might be able to be a mother-figure. Have you talked to your T about this?

One thing that has helped me is this analogy: the absence or neglect of your mother left a huge black hole. You cannot fill that hole because you will never have a real mother. But what you can do is build around that hole. After awhile, the hole seems smaller and smaller. Imagine a hole in the middle of a town. You start building the town up with homes, business, skyscrapers. After awhile, it becomes a huge city, and the hole is small by comparison. You're already doing that! And that's the only way I know how to cope with the mother wound.

I’m so sorry that you had to stop working with your T now, that must be so hard. I hope that you’re coping OK. Despite this, you don’t regret letting her in? I mean, showing your vunerability? I’m so afraid that my T will leave me. I’m not sure if she is experienced enough to deal with this kind of stuff.

Do you feel guilty towards your mum? I do, all the time. I question myself, like, I know that she probably did the best she could... but that wasn’t enough. Can you blame someone who did their best? It’s like my mum is divided in two, one good and one bad.

I know that my mother loves me but I don’t feel it.

Thank you for replying! I too divide my mum in two, the bad growing up and the good now. I can turn to her for advice on practical stuff, like how to remove a stain of wine on a carpet. But not the emotional stuff. I shut her out. I shut a lot of people out because I’m afraid that they won’t understand me or will judge me.

I want someone to look at me with a mothers loving gaze, if that makes sense? My mum looked at me with despise, or that’s how I remember it. Sometimes I can see compassion in my T:s eyes and it hurts so much that I can’t have that all the time. I want someone to listen to me, to hold me when I cry and to take care of me. My T never touches me. I haven’t asked her for it and because of covid I don’t think she ever would. I think she’s afraid that I’m too dependent on her, but I’m not sure. I should ask her... I just imagine her worrying about her own kids and I want her to feel that for me too. I know that she cares about me but that’s not enough. I don’t know why.

It interesting that you say this. I also thought worry equals love. It was hard when people said they don't worry about me. It felt like they didn't care. My mom never worried about me; nor my dad.

What I'm learning is that worry does not equal love. Someone can love you and not be worried. And the opposite is true: someone who doesn't love you can worry about you. It's hard still. It still feels good when L does worry. L and I are now focusing on connecting with each other over positive activities to teach me that love comes from positive things too.

When I was younger I fantasized so much about being vunerable and having a mother who took care of me... My mum rarely showed me that she worried about me. I remember being left alone at home with a high temperature when I was maybe 9 years old. I almost got sick due to the fever and I felt so alone. But normally she showed a little bit more care for me when I was really ill.

My T has told me once or twice that she worries about me, it was when I was really dissociated with a lot of anxiety and had trouble talking to her. But she once told me that I would remain in her heart even when I was feeling better. That made me feel warm inside.

I have this wound too. I relate to so much of what you say. I attached easily to women growing up - first teachers, then therapists, even my female boss! I got obsessed with certain women on TV who I admired. I did do a lot of healing work with my first therapists but I've come much further with my current therapist. She's incredibly nurturing and empathetic and I'm having a real corrective experience with her. I'm also able to work through the pain of the past bit by bit and accept what is lost. It's been a long process but I do feel this wound doesn't affect me as much as it once did. It'll probably always be sad though and I struggle so much with wanting to be part of T's family. As well as psychotherapy, having an interest in spirituality has also helped me on my healing journey. I hope you find a way that works for you.

Thank you. Honestly, I am not sure that I am coping ok. It is so hard. The only way I can try to explain it is as if someone's Mum just closed the door on them one day. They came to their Mum's house only to be told to leave, with no explanation of why. With no time to process what was going on. With no time to gather belongings. Just a door closed in their face. It doesn't make any sense and this waiting in limbo is unbearable.

HOWEVER, I do not regret letting her in, no. What is that saying? It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I didn't know what love was until I met my T. I didn't know what a real relationship looked like until I met my T. I do not regret letting her in and I do not regret a single second of the work that we did together, no. Honestly, if you get a chance, take it and run with it. The last five years have been very special indeed and have facilitated some incredible changes in my life. I am just seriously sad that we didn't get to finish the work, and seriously hoping that once the dust settles for her we can find a way together to properly end this. The waiting for that though is very difficult. It's like I am hanging onto the tiniest thread of hope, praying it not to snap.

I think it is important to have some very open and very frank discussions with your T about this. Like others have said, talking about it is the only way to know if she is able to meet you where you are at. I found it hard at first with my T because she seemed to really shy away from being labelled as the 'good enough mother'. I don't think she liked the idea of being that for me, even though she WAS being that for me. I think it is just a modality of work that she wasn't used to? Hadn't done before? I don't know, but like you I always felt that she wasn't very experienced, but in a way that made it more real for me. It made her a human, and together we found a way. That was our mantra.

Do I/Did I feel guilt towards my Mum? Yes. Absolutely. This all came to the surface after my Mum died, actually, which made those feelings seem worse for me, because I was talking ill of the dead, if that makes sense? I so wanted to love my Mum, and I wanted her to love me, and like you, I am sure she did her best, but her best wasn't good enough for me, and that made me feel needy and awkward. Like it might have been good enough for someone else, but not for difficult old me.

But my T, again, helped me to see that while it wasn't necessarily my Mum's fault, that didn't mean it was mine either. That she couldn't be there for me like that, like I deserved, possibly because she had never been shown how, possibly because she had issues that no-one had helped her with.

I started to tell my Mum I loved her, in the last couple of years before she died, and not once did she say it back. I have no idea whether my Mum loved me or not. I think she felt something for me, I have to believe that, but I'm not sure she would have known what love is either, to be honest.

I don't know if this is going to be helpful or not. I don't know if it is my place to say it or not, but you asked about regret earlier. The one thing I do regret is not having these conversations with my Mum while I still could. I regret not being able to tell her how I felt. I regret not being able to tell her what happened to me as a child. I regret turning my back on her all those years earlier and I regret not being emotionally open with her. That's what I regret. I can NEVER get that back again, and it is why I am trying so hard to try and resolve these things with my remaining family (largely unsuccessfully so far but I felt that we were SO close, making the ending of my therapy with K so very very hard indeed).

Sorry for the long post, I am feeling a lot tonight.

It has really really helped me reading this thread and your different experiences. Sometimes I feel alone with this kind of pain, because the people I am around day to day don’t have the same kind of situation and although I’m glad for them and it’s nobody’s fault, it can make me feel alone. I’m sorry for all of you, also it’s so encouraging to read about you getting beyond it. I totally agree with what you said Waterbear and Scarlet that we can build around the hole, and even though it never goes away we can be in a stronger place and kind of move on beyond it. That’s my experience too. I find your stories inspiring and courageous. Thank you for sharing!

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It must be so hard... I hope you will find a T who is able to help you along on your journey. ❤️

Actually, I decided to try to be honest with my T. I figured that... what’s the point of hiding? I don’t want to hide anymore. So in my session this week, I was feeling very anxious and had been crying earlier the same day. She was pushing me a little bit, trying to get me to come out of my shell. So after a while I just started to cry (something I almost never do in session or with anyone..) and managed to tell her how much it hurts that my mother won’t ever look at me the way my T looks at me. That I’m not ever going to get that. That I get to know what it feels like and then it’s like it’s taken away from me when sessions ends and sometimes it hurts so badly. And that when she (my T) went on vacation for a month, I felt like she needed a break from ME. Of course I knew that wasn’t the case but I just couldn’t hold it inside anymore. I cried and she told me that she understood that it hurts and that this had left a giant wound inside me.

After the session I was exhausted. But at the same time I felt relieved. And for once I did not wake up at 4 in the morning after with anxiety, I woke up feeling almost calm. She won’t leave me. She wasn’t angry. She still looked at me with compassion. She understood that it wasn’t so much about her or her vacation...

It took me a long time to trust her and to be this vunerable and I think she has been frustrated at times when I just shut down and tried to avoid the topic. But she didn’t push me at all until this session, like she knew I was ready for it.